Breakfast in the Castro

Met an old friend this morning. We've seen each other in passing lately. Sometimes our eyes have met and we’ve smiled or even said hello. Early this morning we sat down together and did our best to carry on a conversation.

It started with hugs and apologies. It’s so good to see you again and then a hug. It’s been forever but also it just seems like yesterday. Another hug. I’m sorry I’ve ignored you. I’m sorry too, but its OK, I’ve ignored you, too, but here we are. Laughter and other hug.

If you could see us, you might think we’re brothers. We have similar physical features, but he’s more gregarious and looks happier. So many good qualities.

Me: I want to hear how you’ve been doing. You look great. You’ve been working out haven’t you?

Mibes: Happy to chat any time. I know how busy you are. But to answer your question, I’ve wanted to exercise more. I’ve done some, but my exercise buddy is sometimes distracted or busy. Best of intentions but a little unfocused.

Me: He’s missing out. I’d like to tell him that. I’d say, “Don’t you know who this man is? Spend all the time you can with him. He can help you like no one else.”

Mibes: You’re crazy. You know that.

Me: You’ve told me that before. Sometimes I’ve doubted you. Did I mention how good it is to see you again?

Mibes: I’m always here. Easier to reach than anyone on your phone.

Me: I know that, but then I forget.

Mibes: It’s OK. You’ll do better.

Me: Yes I will.

Mibes: I see that you’re writing some notes. Are you going to put this on your blog?

Me: You know me, pretty well, don’t you?

Mibes: You make me laugh. Sure, go ahead and post it.

Me: I’ve only made a few notes. I didn’t think about writing at first.

Mibes: Go with what you’ve got. We’ll have more conversations. I would like to see you more.

Me: Same here. We’ll stay in touch. I’ll be a better friend.

Mibes: You want to meet again tomorrow?

Me: (smiling) Yes. Let’s do it.

The Anatomy of Gratitude

I’m grateful for my toes and feet, my ankles and shins, my calves and quads, my knees and hips. And all the other parts and pieces, the nerves and commands that make it possible for me to move about, that enable me to stand, walk and run.

I’m grateful for my fingers and hands, my wrists and forearms, my elbows and shoulders, biceps and triceps. And all the other parts and pieces that make it possible for me to hold and be held, to hug and be hugged, to lug, and to write these very words by moving fingers over a keyboard or to hold and control a pen or pencil, a marker or a crayon, a stylus or the charred end of a stick.

I’m thankful for my heart and lungs and guts, my pits, pecs, package and butt. What a remarkable invention that I can function, that I can eat and breathe, that mouth and throat both lead to stomach and lungs for air, laughter, singing, water and food. What a sense of humor for our creator and/or the processes that created us to so closely align the sublime world of human bonding and sexual reproduction and pleasure with the mundane daily urgencies of pissing and pooping.

I'm grateful for the way all these parts and functions combine to sustain me and make possible the consumption of my daily bread, the drinking of water, the inhaling and exhaling of breath without which I would not be alive for more than a few minutes.

I'm glad to have my neck and jaw, my scalp and forehead, my hair and eyebrows, my whiskers and the unruly hair in my nose and ears, the sometimes thick and sometimes thin hair that covers most of my body from earlobes to toes. I'm grateful for those ears both external and internal which are to me the world’s most sensitive stereo microphones and my eyes which are to me the world’s most precise high definition 3D video cameras. 

I'm thankful for my nose and nasal cavities and sense of smell and taste, my mouth and tongue and teeth; my lips which have kissed loved ones and kittens and puppies; my mouth and face and the musculature and meaning that empower me to and to smile and speak, to laugh and yawn, to cry and curse. I'm grateful for the well-shielded, multi-core, dual-lobe microprocessor: my brain and the great mystery of the mind and memory and the learning and yearning it makes possible. I'm grateful for so many hundreds, if not thousands of functions, so creatively combined.

All this, of course, ain't just a blog entry. This is also a written prayer. I'm grateful to my Heavenly Parents for all the gifts I've been able to list above and for millions, if not billions of others, including the billions of cells that make up my body and yours, and the 7-billion souls now alive on the planet. Thanks also for my proximity to and love for the tiny slice of that huge, global family that includes my own family, friends, and strangers all about me. I'm thankful for these blessings which can be counted and the others that seem numberless and pray that you might continue to pour out these blessings upon this tiny planet as you have done well before and throughout my life. In Jesus name, amen.

Holiday Hug

He was headed off to spend time with his family. So was I. We wished each other "Merry Christmas" and as we were about to shake hands I asked, "How about how about a Christmas hug for the holidays?"

"Sure," he said.

Looking back it reminds me of the process I go through each Christmas with our outdoor lights. I unpack the strings I used the previous year and plug in each set to verify that they're still working. Most of them light up. But there's always at least one string that fails to light. It's nothing personal. It doesn't mean the string doesn't like me.

That's how it was with this hug. No electricity. No magic. Nothing there. Not cold but not warm.

"Enjoy the holidays," I said.

"You, too," he replied.

And that's when I realized I'd looked beyond the mark. I already had what he had freely given: his friendship. And he had mine.

So what's better than a holiday hug between two good friends? In this case it's knowing that some things can't be forced. That sometimes, maybe almost always, I'm better off to be happy with what is, instead of disappointed with what is not. The next year we shook hands. It was warm, spontaneous, reciprocal. And good enough.

Wrestling in the Dark

I was too lonely to know I was cold. I was too cold to know I was lonely. The world seemed dark and gray that Friday afternoon in October, but I would soon know something so deep and warm and good that it could never be taken away.

As I walked home from high school, one of the tough kids in the neighborhood said come to my house. I was a bit afraid but also glad for the invitation. I thought he was a poor kid--he lived in a small house--but apparently not. He showed me his electric train, his darkroom for photos, his ham radio gear, and that was not all. His single-car garage that looked small from the outside had skis, snowshoes, camping gear, waterskis and a blue and white boat motor boat. 

He smiled and said "This stuff is just toys, it’s not really important, what matters is friendship." It sounded like something he'd heard his mom say, but still these were such gentle words from a tough kid. 

He was an only child and we were alone in his house. His mom was at work and his dad was out of town on business. He told me there’d be no one around until later that night. I said I’ve got to go, my mom will wonder where I am. But he said there’s something else I want to show you downstairs in the dark.

As we walked down the stairway, I felt a sense of gloom. We entered a hallway and he lit a long match. "Don’t you have lights down here?" I asked. 

"Of course we do but it’s more fun this way." He walked to fireplace and lit a gas log. "Isn’t that fine? I’m not supposed to light it but no one’s around." He was proud of himself. 

Then he did something strange. He grabbed me by the neck and pulled me down on the carpet. "You’re not a afraid to fight are you?" 

I answered with a punch to his gut. I was afraid. I'd wrestled with my dad and my cousin, but that was years ago. I tried to defend myself and eventually realized he wasn't going to hurt me.

We wrestled for what seemed a very long time. It was probably only a few minutes, but I was breaking a sweat. So was he. His sweat smelled both rancid and familiar. I finally pinned him which he seemed happy about. Maybe he'd let me win. I didn't care. The fight was over. We went upstairs and ate vanilla ice cream from the big chest-type freezer in his garage. And that's when I realized I was warm for the first time that day. 

We never wrestled like that again, but we became and remained friends though high school and into college. We've sent a few Christmas cards back and forth over the years. I don't think he'd remember our wrestling match. I don't think he'd guess that it's one things I'll remember when I've forgotten almost everything else.

The Shadows Flee

I'm feeling better this morning. Hope you are, too. "The morning breaks, the shadows flee." Wonderful song. I was so tired yesterday. Last night I slept well enough to awaken with some fresh courage. My wish for you, RIDK, (reader I don't know), is that you too may find this kind of renewal.

Fall is so beautiful but it is a warning of colder weather to come. Still I'm learning that I can remember the optimism of spring. It's there all within a few inches, a few billion cells in my brain, just waiting to be recalled. And since we share the traits of having brains and minds and memories, you have also have had your encouraging, refreshing experiences. Here's to hoping that you will also recall what gave and gives you hope. I hope you'll remember that you are greatly loved by family and friends, and consider that maybe, just perhaps, you are loved even now by friends you haven't met yet.

Longing and Loving

Both words start with lo. Synonyms for longing are yearning, pining, craving, ache, burning, hunger, thirst, hankering; while synonyms for loving include affectionate, fond, devoted, adoring, doting, solicitous, demonstrative. We're wired to do both. 

But could it be that one of the ways to increase a sense of well-being is to emphasize loving? Not that any of us can ignore longing, not that it will disappear. After all hunger and pain are life-sustaining feedback mechanisms. Just that longing won’t always get first billing like it did on this post.


If it’s true that one of the keys to happiness is loving the here and now rather than pining for the past or thirsting for the future, maybe I’ll try putting a little more emphasis on loving. Or at least seek to fully sense and appreciate the nuances of today’s Fall weather rather than craving the heat of summer or the brisk adventure of winter slopes.

If Thanksgiving were like Halloween

Would it enchant children and adults to stretch beyond their day-to-day identities to imagine how they could be impressively thankful one night a year? Would we find a huge variety and color of thank you notes and thank you treats that go on sale 30-to-45 days before the holiday? Would there be a competitive atmosphere about what I learned last year and how I'm going to change my approach to being thankful this year? Would there be striking visual elements to our giving thanks? Would the focus on elaborate fantasies that show gratitude help us actually become more grateful or would all the theatricality of the holiday make us long for the simple thanksgivings of days gone by. Would fear and discouragement come from perceptions that some people just don't know the proper way to celebrate the true spirit of thanksgiving? I'm thankful that I don't see any of these ideas headed for a test drive in reality.

Perfect Love? Period

Our parents in heaven love each one of us, their 7-billion children now living on this planet, perfectly? Unconditionally? And each of us can connect with them through prayer anytime, anywhere, any language, or no language at all? No matter what we can find peace, not just any old peace, but their peace which is different? And speaking of different, each of us is different and unique (just like snowflakes but billions of cells more complicated) yet we are all a part of the human family? Gratitude is incredibly powerful? And so is prayer? And writing? And question marks? Who needs question marks anyway? Sometimes I do. And yet sometimes I'm in for a better day if I just do a search and replace, and replace the question marks with periods. And maybe an exclamation point or two.

A Summer of Firsts

So much happened when I turned sixteen. Driver's license, contact lenses, a summer job, making new friends, first kiss. And then starting high school that fall. And in another state a newly wed couple gave birth to a health baby boy. I did not meet him until he was almost 30. But it was worth the wait. 

Love and Warmth

As the Fall weather turns increasingly colder my warm bed becomes more difficult to leave. Yet I wanted to get out of bed this morning. To get my fingers moving on the keyboard and to thank you for being there. 

It is true that I don’t know who is reading this, but I do know you are one of my 7-billion brothers and sisters on this planet. And I suspect that you, like me, and all humans feel varying levels of love. Sometimes there is no doubt. And sometimes our doubts grow.

Of course there are tricks. There are ways to get a better glimpse of how fickle perception can sometimes be. It’s easy to make a swimming pool feel warmer, you just take a cold shower before you swim. 

Is it just as easy to feel love? Can I feel greater love by just imagining how much colder I’d feel without the love I now enjoy? In a way that's what I do when I think about the love I have enjoyed throughout my life. But it doesn't seem like a trick. It seems more like cleaning off the my glasses rather than putting on a rose-colored pair.

There’s always been that warmth of the love of my parents. Even though they are both dead now, I think of all the love they gave me even before I was born, the love that resulted in my conception, then how I was loved in utero, then as baby, as their son, as I learned and grew up. Can I still feel that love? What of other loves? The love of family. The love of friends.

Perhaps there is much, much more love throughout my life and in my life this very moment than I have been able to feel. Gratitude and perception are always at play, aren't they? I don’t feel the warmth of my bed until the weather turns cooler in the Fall. And I don’t fully perceive all the love in my life until on a quiet morning I realize it has always been there. Even when I’ve doubted. 

Take courage and continue

Sometimes I wish I could write as fast as I think. But I'm kidding myself that it would make any sense. The truth is that one of the beauties of the written word for me is that it may slow me down enough to make sense to myself. A couple of years ago when I was depressed I made a journal entry that looked a lot like this: kjflk439n ndfn lkjauurin flkjai ufjld uej vdjnfkdmdn jdjk thelklms ehwle

Then my writing turned into more legible scribbles and here's what showed up on the page: Dear Heavenly Parents. Thank you so much for my life and my dear family. Please bless me to be happy this day and to be able to lift up others and to feel connected to this little dot in space we call Earth.

Months later I imagined these words: "You are learning so much as you strive to move forward. You’re looking for blessings and you’re seeing more of them. Continue to seek and you’ll continue to find. Continue to love and to feel the love of others. Continue to express gratitude and to strive to improve your ability to serve others. Don't give into discouragement. Instead take courage, move, write and if you can't write just fill that page with scribbles of ink. Sometimes you just need to get the ink out of the pen. Don't think of it as writing. It's just something to fill the page, something to calm the soul. Continue."

Longing and Belonging

I'm glad I belong in this universe, solar system, planet, nation, region, state, county, city, neighborhood, home, family. I'm grateful that I've got a place on this couch, typing on this laptop, adding yet another entry to this blog.

And I'm thankful for you. Yes, you! You're reading this and that's amazing because I most likely don't know you, but I know that you read. You think.

You have your own ways of longing and belonging. You may be nearby or far away. But as your eyes scan, your brain decodes, your personality reacts, we have somehow connected. Thoughts that started in my mind and became fingers moving on a keyboard, have somehow become ones and zeros and then transformed into light and dark, shapes forming letters, letters giving way to words, words becoming thoughts. We are, if only for a few dozen words, a few fleeting thoughts, connected.

We both belong. Yet we both long. It's both belonging and longing. I long for a whole alphabet of acceptance, brotherhood, cheer, dusk, fun, growth, health, inspiration, justice, kindness, love, music, nature, openness, purpose, questions, responses, stability, truth, unity, vitality, examination, worth, youth, zeal. And you? What would you add or subtract from a list of longing?

I'm glad you stopped by. It's true, I wrote this for me. But I also wrote it for you. Perhaps someday we'll meet. Maybe we already have. Isn't it amazing when you meet someone you know you don't know, yet you know there is some longstanding connection nonetheless? 

My Wishes for You

May you yearn and strive to engage with the people, places and things that will strengthen you. As you seek and find support and encouragement, may you be able to give it freely and authentically to others. May you feel loved and able to express that love to others by what you say and what you do. May you grow in your ability to integrate your knowledge and experience, creativity and intuition, serving and being served, loving and being loved, seeking answers and questions.

May you discover again as if for the first time that you paint, you create, from a large pallet of many colors and many shades of gray. May you find beauty in the pallet and the world around you and the works you have in progress.

If it sometimes seems that there is more longing than belonging, more giving than getting, more sadness than joy, may you accept these realities as seasons that change. May you be grateful for all the seasons of your life, knowing that spring will follow the sometimes frozen moments of winter, knowing that fall will follow the sometimes oppressive heat of summer. And may you find seasons of relief and restoration in each day, if only imagined and if only for a few minutes or moments.

These wishes may not fit for you today or ever. They don't always fit for me. But to me they offer hope for what may be. I hope they may also bring vision and solace to you.

Goodbye for a few days

Someone I care about is leaving town for a few days. I told him "Have a safe trip." What I didn't say is that I'll miss him and I'll pray for him and I'll be glad when he returns.

Such are the dynamics between me--the fellow who is out as a bisexual man to his family and very few others--and my good friend who is unashamedly out and proud as a straight man, a husband and father.

We are both married to remarkable, intelligent, creative, beautiful, talented, strong women. We would both assure you that we are the fathers of truly remarkable children who are now and will continue to be engaged in making the world a better place.

My buddy and I have much in common and many differences as well. Trusting in our common ground and the ways that diversity and transparency can strengthen a friendship, perhaps someday I will confess that I care more about him than I say, that I miss him, that I pray for him, that I'm glad when he returns. And perhaps he'll look me right in the eye and say, "I know. How could I not have known. So how have you been and what else is new?"

"...Moroni went to the city of Mulek with Lehi, and took command of the city and gave it unto Lehi. Now behold, this Lehi was a man who had been with Moroni in the more part of all his battles; and he was a man like unto Moroni, and they rejoiced in each other’s safety; yea, they were beloved by each other, and also beloved by all the people of Nephi." (Alma 53:2)

It Ain't Either/Or

I sometimes feel like I just blend into the crowd, not that I'm totally invisible but just not easy to be seen. I sometimes feel that while I am liked, I'm not quite loved. But if it is either/or world, it's much better to love than to be loved.

But then I rebel against these thoughts. I tell myself there's only one of me, just like there's only one of you. We are both to celebrate and be celebrated. 

I tell myself that if I feel invisible, maybe I ought to question those feelings rather than my ability to be seen.  I tell myself that it's not an either/or world and that I am both loved and one who loves. Throughout my life. Since birth. Right now. Today and tomorrow. Just like the sun comes up. It's there. You just gotta see it.

And sometimes this kind of thinking leads me to write stuff like this: You can improve. You can move forward. You are improving. You are moving forward. You can seek and find. You can be sought and found. Who you are, what you do, what you say, who you love--it all matters. Don't worry about keeping score. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy the journey. 

"Sometimes in my tears I drown but I never let it get me down."

-Matisyahu

Some Saturday Wishes for You

May you seek and find accomplishment, beauty and creativity this day. May that quest yield delight and enthusiasm. May you move and think freely and gratefully and with health and healing in your mind and heart. May your intuition and sense of fair play and justice kindle increased love of yourself and others. May movement and music nurture your moments and your opportunities. May you find renewed purpose in your quest and your questions. May you savor the creation that is a part of recreation. May you feel blessed as you see your talents unfold. May all of this revitalize your sense of wonder and excitement and may your yearnings fill your soul with zip and zeal.

A Fresh Letter to "The One"

Hi RIDK (Reader I Don't Know),

I haven't written for more than a year, but I do care. After all I still imagine, I still want to believe that you're the one I'm going to run into some day and we're both going to be astonished that after years of a few fine friendships and yearning, we've both finally found someone, perhaps the one and only one, who is willing to reciprocate, to give and take, to find and be found, to be loved and to love.

Where and when do you think this meeting will occur? Tomorrow at the grocery store? Next week when we both get on the bus? Next month on one of those perfect April days? Later in Spring when it's even warmer?

Perhaps in the dog days of summer when we're both hot and tired and hungry, but then rather miraculously there will be a sense of calm and relaxation and a hunger that's been there for years will morph into a giddy sense of expectation.

Maybe it will be even later in the year when we're hiking and enjoying the blazing colors of fall. Perhaps then we'll both be cold only to discover a welcome warmth. That might also happen in winter. We'll be in the snow, but there will also be an undeniable glow.

More likely it won't happen this year or next year or even the year after. But then, when we've both given up all hope, our meeting will be that much more unexpected and unforgettable.

And what if there is no meeting at all? What if you and I never meet? What if I reach the end of my life and the myth that is you never materializes? Will that still be OK? I hope so, because that my friend may be the most likely scenario.

Or maybe we'll be in the last moments of our mortal lives and like Steve Jobs saying "Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow" or Brigham Young saying "Joseph" the last word on your lips will be "Ned" and the last word on my lips will be "Ridk"?  No, no, no that's just your placeholder name.

You'll be Abe or Adam, Ben or Bart, Christian or Caleb, Dan or David, Elli or Ethan, Frank or Fred, Gabe or Glen, Harry or Henry, Ike or Ian, John or Jake, Keith or Kyle, Marlon or Mike, Nate or what if we were both named Ned?, Otis or Ozzie, Peter or Patrick, Quinn or Quentin, Robert or Richard, Seth or Stephen, Tim or Trevor, Urban or Uri, Vincent or Vlad, Wes or Woody, Xan or Xorn, Yogi or York, Zach or Zeke.

The truth is your name won't matter. Neither will the color of your eyes or hair, your height or weight. Or the sound of your voice or how much hair you have. I won't care if it's curly or straight or non-existent.

Because in that moment, whether it is real or imagined, you'll be the one for me and I'll be the one for you. That's when the ancient and the infinite will somehow join the dawn and the dusk, the heat and the cold, the sweat and the tears, the savory and the sweet and we'll both take a deep breath and awake to the aroma of freshly baked cinnamon rolls.

If Abe Lincoln stood beside us

When our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty what, if any, were their concerns about the variety of people that citizens of such a nation might choose to love?

We are now engaged in an epic debate testing whether this nation will strive and succeed in providing equal protection under the law to all of its citizens.

What can we learn from the brave men and women, living and dead, who have struggled toward this ideal? How can we now dedicate ourselves to the unfinished work which they thus far have so nobly advanced?

The Beauty of October

Cold but not too cold. Colorful. A time of transition. Fewer thoughts about lawn mowing. More thoughts about snow shoveling. And of course the nearly constant desire to hold and be held, to love and be loved.

He Will Yet Reveal

Is the main purpose of The Family: A Proclamation to the World to define marriage as between a man and a woman? Why would the church knowingly exclude tens of thousands of good men and women who fall outside that ideal? If only 1% of LDS church members are gay, that's still 144,413 gay Mormons based on the church's 2011 stats.  That would fill to overflowing two facilities the size of LaVell Edwards Stadium.

Yes, the proclamation supports strong families, but not just one kind of strong family. Yes, it says "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God..." but it does not say that other unions are invalid. 

For example we've been taught that some marriages between one man and multiple women are also viable on the other side of the veil. The proclamation does not appear to invalidate polygamous marriages made prior to 1890 or the present-day serial polygamist who is sealed to one wife, and then upon her death is sealed to a second, resulting an eternal polygamist marriage.

The Proclamation on the Family speaks of many ideals. Yes, it certainly is ideal for straight men and women to marry and rear children. No argument there. But it clearly and directly acknowledges that this ideal is not always attained because of a variety of reasons:

"Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation."

This sentence, which is 510 words into the 605 word document, doesn't say that other circumstances may cause problems but there's nothing that can be done. It says other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. That powerful, inclusive sentence can be seen as a loving acknowlegement that the ideals set forth in the proclamation are sometimes unavoidably unavailable to real people in real life.

In 1922 when my grandmother was widowed as a young mother, her parents forbid her to date after the death of my grandfather. They may have believed that dating would violate her Temple covenants with her eternal companion. Today she would not be so tightly constrained. Today she would be encouraged to marry a second worthy husband in the Temple, but for time and not eternity. The doctrine hasn't changed, but the intrepretation of it has. It didn't even require a revelation, just a change in attitude and, perhaps, church policy.

After the 1978 revelation opening the priesthood to worthy black members of the church, Bruce R. McConkie was questioned about his many strident statements against "the Negro." In a speech entitled All Are Alike unto God he said, "Forget everything that I have said, or what President Brigham Young or President George Q. Cannon or whomsoever has said in days past that is contrary to the present revelation. We spoke with a limited understanding and without the light and knowledge that now has come into the world. We get our truth and our light line upon line and precept upon precept. We have now had added a new flood of intelligence and light on this particular subject, and it erases all the darkness and all the views and all the thoughts of the past. They don’t matter any more."

Elder McConkie thus affirmed the Ninth Article of Faith: "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God."

Fortunately we won't have to forget or set aside anything in the Proclamation on the Family if and when it is revealed that in addition to traditional marriage being ordained of God, "other circumstances" require individual and church-wide adaptation, and should be handled with as much love, accomodation and support as death or disability.

Could it be that one day future church leaders will also acknowledge that some of the disintegration of gay Mormon families was based on limited understanding and that those who abused their fellow saints are also accountable for their action or inaction? 

I hope that one day we will all sing with great fervor and thanksgiving Carol Lynn Pearson and Reid N. Nibley's prophetic Primary song I'll Walk with You:

If you don't walk as most people do, 

Some people walk away from you,

But I won't! I won't!

If you don't talk as most people do

Some people talk and laugh at you,

But I won't! I won't!

I'll walk with you,

I'll talk with you.

That's how I'll show my love for you.

Jesus walked away from none.

He gave his love to ev'ryone.

So I will! I will!

Jesus blessed all he could see,

Then turned and said,

"Come, follow me."

And I will! I will! I will! I will!

I'll walk with you,

I'll talk with you.

That's how I'll show my love for you.

(This is an updated version on an earlier blog I published in 2010.

The first edition is here.)