new video: invisible but not alone

my nearly 60 year journey in about six minutes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrPDwyU5ZbI&feature=plcp

Monson lovingly jokes about male-on-male kiss

How delightful that in his first conference talk this morning, President Monson went off script to talk about his first meeting with his parents-in-law who joined the church thanks to his grand uncle's missionary efforts. He told how his prospective father-in-law showed him an old photograph of the missionaries, then wept and then kissed him on the cheek. He then ad-libbed something like, "Even before our first date," which was met with laughter from the audience. What a delightful and unintentionally Moho-friendly thing to have said.

The Men in My Life

I don't really know when I started to notice them, the men in my life. It was probably before I could talk. The first men I noticed were my dad, my grandpas, uncles and neighbors. Sometimes they'd whisker me. That made me love my mom's soft face, but later I would hunger for their whiskers again. I would long for their whiskers so badly that any whiskers would do. Maybe that's why I loved that old song Razor Face so much as a teenager. Maybe that's why I'm still fascinated by beards and sideburns, even as my own fade from brown with a little red, to grey with a lot of white.

What I felt as a small child, as best I can remember it anyway, was safe and protected. As I grew a little older, I found that boys, especially older boys, could sometimes be mean, but they weren't men. They were just boys.

When I started to become a man myself, I sometimes doubted myself. I might look like a man. I might have a man's voice and his strength. I might even be manly to some, but am I just pretending. It took a long time for me to understand that a man can still sometimes feel like a child. That that's OK sometimes.

I've been blessed with so many good men in my life. Men who have helped me learn and grow and be myself. Even mean men who have helped me learn what I wanted to be, because they were jerks. That also took a while to figure out.

I've never had a lover man. But I sure have had some good friends. I've had a lot of crushes on men over the years. I still do. But I don't crush on everyone. Some men and just there and I'm pretty chill about it. They might be friends or acquaintences, neighbors or quorum brothers, even some bloggers I've never met. I'm comfortable around them, for the most part, because they're just part of the environment, with only a little bit more presence than furniture. I'm glad there are many of them. They make life stable and comfortable.

But then there are the men who mean something more. We may or may not know each other, but these are the men I notice. Sometimes I feel that here in the blogosphere, too. There's sometimes just something about the way a fellow writes that intrigues me. I work with some of these kinds of intriguing men, too. I go to church with some of these men. I have some friendships with some of these men. I notice when they're around, and sometimes when they're not. I notice what they wear, and whether they've shaved, and if they seem happy or not, and how they smell and what they say and don't say.

I notice their eyes and their voices. Sometimes when they talk my mind wanders. I sometimes hear the sound of their voices more than I listen to their words. This can be dangerous in the workplace. I might miss something I really do need to know.

There was a time when I thought I don't want to feel this feeling, I don't want this buzz, this attraction. I can't handle it. I don't want it. I want it to go away. I guess that could happen to me again someday, but I'm glad I've gotten used to this something, this quality that is as life affirming as water, food, breath, shelter, warmth or beauty.

And so my thoughts circle back around to shelter, safety, protection. Is that what I feel when I'm sitting alone like the guy in the Steve Walker painting, alone but not all alone, feeling the spirit of those I love and those who love me?

Sunday Night Thoughts

A beautiful weekend ends with peace of the Sabbath and the hope of a warm week ahead. I can handle winter. Snow photos and Christmas warmth are among the positives, but it's the promise of spring that helps me through the darkest days. It's knowing that the days will grow longer once again. The snow will melt. We've now had three days of great mid-March weather here along the Wasatch Front and it's left me feeling much more positive about myself and the planet. I'm not unaware of problems and challenge close to home and throughout the world, but I'm grateful for many blessings:

health, home, healing
St. Patrick's day, St. George and St. Paul
meals, memories, music, Mohos
infants, information, initiative
family, friends, foundations
change, courage, commitment
light, love and learning

There's also this. One of the guys I always look forward to seeing at Church wasn't just friendly today, he actually clapped me on the back and put his hand on my shoulder. Not once but several times. Just remembering that fills me with an inner warmth to match today's sunny weather.

I'm also encouraged by the words of Joseph Smith that Sarah highlighed in her blog entry a few hours ago:

"If I esteem mankind to be in error, shall I bear them down? No. I will lift them up, and in their own way too, if I cannot persuade them my way is better; and I will not seek to compel any man to believe as I do...We will ... cultivate peace and friendship with all, mind our own business, and come off with flying colors, respected, because, in respecting others, we respect ourselves."

I don't send him flowers

My wife enjoyed her Valentine's flowers and I enjoyed giving them to her. Several family gatherings brought much warmth to this cold three day weekend. Church was uplifting. Not a single anti-gay remark. One of my dear neighbors came over and put his arm around me as we headed home. His touch is always welcome. Such blessings of family, faith and friends. I'm a lucky man.

Of course I thought a few times about the man I love. I’ll see him today or tomorrow in the ordinary course of our work. This long-time straight friend will tell me about his weekend and I’ll tell him about mine. I’ll look for the sparkle in his eyes, I’ll hear his voice and laughter once again, I’ll see his smile and that will be enough.