A Limerick for Duck

A writer named Duck has a blog
That helps me see out of the fog
Because she is kind
Some peace I can find
Some days are then less of a slog


Thanks to Duck and Beck for comments on my earlier post of a video about "some of my experiences growing up, dating, coming out, dealing with depression, averting suicide and trying to put it all in perspective." 


Both Duck and Beck's comments had the feeling of a big hug. Then I got this feedback on Facebook that also took the form of an embrace:

 (((((((((((Ned)))))))))) THAT WAS INCREDIBLE. I was so moved. I can't even tell you. 

It's true that sometimes we can't put into words what we're feeling. Which is kind of what I feel now. Happy July 4th.

Night of Promise

When I asked her to the dance, I did not know how long the night would be. I promised her father that I would return her safely to her home. The night is not over. We've danced together several times, but not like some couples who seem to be having the time of their lives. So we've tried to make the best of this evening. She's danced with all of our children and grandchildren. So have I. She has danced with extended family, school, career and church. So have I. She has not danced with any other men or women and I have not danced with any other women or men. But I have stood alone and watched so many others enjoying the dance. I have talked with a few other men off the dance floor. We have had some wonderful conversations. Mostly my wife has stood alone. Or helped others. The dance is not over. My wife and I, although both distracted, are still on our date. My promise to return her safely to her father still echoes in my mind. Sometimes overshadowing even the best music I've ever heard.


(This is yet another blog entry inspired by Beck. Here's what he wrote that got me thinking.)

a moho haiku and a question about friendships

I love my buddy
His smile brings me joy
A blessing of male

Throughout much of my life, I've been frustrated by the lack of reciprocity in many of my male relationships. I expected more than most straight men could authentically give and because of my own homophobia I was unwilling to explore opportunities for friendship with gay or bisexual men. Given this background I'm so grateful when there is reciprocity with a male friend.

Just before Thanksgiving, I felt inspired to make a simple thank you card and give it to one of my friends. Yesterday he reciprocated. Not with a card but with an early Christmas present. Maybe that's not reciprocal  but it was a wonderful surprise. Now I'm smiling as I think about some modest but meaning present I can give to him.

I'm curious about the friendships you have with straight males. Do you seek out these friendships? And do you exchange gifts at Christmastime?

Tiger in the Tank

This happened a few weeks ago. I was nearly out of gas, so on my way to do some Saturday errands, I pulled into one of my local gas stations. Immediately this young man caught my eye. Not this photo is not of him. He was maybe about the same age, but much easier on the eyes. Much more relaxed. I fellow who seemed to be calm and happy enough that he might even have been humming to himself.

I swiped my credit card, and took a glance. I started filling up my tank and caught a glance. I began washing my windows and caught so more glances. He was in his early twenties. Had a ring on his ring finger, just like I do. Looked like maybe he was filling up his wife's car. It looked a little too soft for him. Strangely, he seemed to be in no more of a hurry that I was. I kept glancing and he kept washing his windows.

Finally after I'd washed all my windows, I just walked over and started a conversation with him. That's when I saw his eye up close. Big blue eyes. Nice smile. Three or four days of beard. Started talking about the weather, then asked if he was a student. Score! Not only a student, but a student at my alma mater. So we talked about his major, his graduate school plans, his wife. Nice five minute talk about a variety of topics. When it felt like we'd reached an end, I said, "Well, nice to talk with you. Have a good one."

To which he replied, "Thanks" and as I walked away he said, "Can I get you name?" I will repeat that for emphasis. He says to me, "Can I get your name?" I'm sure I had a big smile on my face as I turned around and told him my name and asked his. Oh my gosh, I not only met him, talked with him, enjoyed the easy conversation, but he asked me for my name. I gave it to him. I asked for his. Yes, now have found him on Facebook. More pictures. Same handsome man with the big smile, the blue eyes and the few days of whiskers.

Later that day my wife asked me how the morning had good. Great, I told her. "Got a tank full of gas in the car. I was running on empty. That made me feel a lot better about things." What I didn't tell her was, "Yeah and while I was at the gas station there was this handsome young married fellow and I just couldn't take my eyes off him. So I walked over and stuck up a conversation with him. He's a student of blah blab and he's maybe going to go for a masters in blah blah. I know his name, so maybe I'll find him on Facebook and we'll go to lunch sometime.

OK, Moho friends, tell me what you think of my actions, thoughts, and limited disclosure to my wife.

Blessings of Brotherhood

A couple of weeks ago I had a wonderful experience that I wanted to share with you. I was buying some stuff at a store and noticed that the cashier who was about to ring up my purchases looked like a friend of mine, which gave me warm feelings toward him even though we'd never met. But I decided to treat him as a friend and not a stranger. Our eyes locked as I walked up to the counter and said "How are you?" as if we were old friends.

We both smiled. His facial expression matched my hopes. He looked back into my eyes as if we did know each other.  Debit or credit, he asked. I said debit and, as if I had seen him in a variety of different shirts and ties over the years, I said, "You know that shirt and tie really look great on you. You ought to wear that combination more often." Our eyes again locked and he said, "Well thanks, bud, I will." He handed me my stuff and I said "Have a good one" and he said "You, too." It was probably over in less than a minute, but it was one of those sweet moments I hope I'll always remember.

Today when I saw the real friend that this guy reminded me of, I wanted to give him a big hug and say, "I love you so much." But he doesn't like hugs and I don't usually tell straight guys I love them, so we just talked about our weekends.

Later today I saw another friend. This time he was the one who kept making eye contact. As we talked I noticed his white teeth, his full lips, his neatly trimmed beard, the way his shirt hung on his shoulders, and then right in the middle of the conversation a kind of miracle happened. He put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a little squeeze.  I've always felt affection toward this man--another happily married fellow--but today he was the one who physically touched me. What a blessing.

I'm curious about the experiences you, my moho friends, have with your straight friends. Do you also restrain yourself? Do you also find that sometimes a friend's touch is like a gift from God himself?

Lead with Love - on radio at 11:00 a.m.

This sounds promising...

maybe some of us should call in ;)

1/17/11: Lead With Love

Doug Fabrizio (2011-01-17)

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH (KUER) - Monday, Doug sits down with University of Utah psychologist David Huebner and filmmaker Jenny Mackenzie to talk about a new documentary they've created for parents of gay and lesbian children. Huebner's research has found that when parents reject their children, those kids are more likely to be depressed and to take drugs. They are also eight times more likely to attempt suicide. The film gives practical advice to parents about what they can do to make a difference. It's called "Lead With Love."

11:00 a.m. MST on KUER and XM public radio. You can also listen live from anywhere via their website which will also offer the show as a podcast later at kuer.org.

Alone but not Lonely

(Gay) Mormon Guy's post about Fitting In prompted me to write the following. I figured I might as well share it here and ask for your thoughts and insights.


Hey MG, 

First of all since I don't know your name, I hope you're OK with MG as nick name. If not let me know and I'll abide by your wishes.

Second, I relate to your post. Even when I am among friends and family, I sometimes feel the same as you, like I don't fit it. So here's the little talk I sometimes have with myself. "You are unique. You are one of a kind. Even if you had an exact twin, your spirits would be different. Enjoy the difference, but also be aware of how much we share. All of us on this planet are brothers and sisters. We are all subject to hunger, thirst, fatigue and loneliness. None of us is exempt, but no matter what our situation at any given moment, we have opportunities to respond, not just to react, but to draw upon our God-given talents and abilities and feel the connection we share with the other mere mortals in our proximity." 

Third, do I always do this? Of course not. It is an ideal. But it is worth striving for. Some people may characterize this approach as "fake it until you make it" but that's not what I'm advocating. I'm saying that sharing our authentic and sometimes vulnerable feelings can sometimes help another person and ourselves feel more at ease, more accepted.

Fourth, at this moment I am sitting in a darkened room. A small amount of light is glowing from my laptop screen. The other light is from the Christmas lights hanging outside my windows. I've opened all the blinds so I can see the snowstorm. I am alone, but I don't feel lonely because I know you'll be reading this message later, and although we've never met I consider you a friend. 

Fifth, I know that conditions outside are cold and dangerous, but I choose to see the beauty. The room would be warmer if I closed the blinds, but then I'd miss the beauty of the storm. I hope this finds you warm and happy. I hope it will brighten your outlook in someway and I hope you will know and feel that you are not alone.


(End of Message to MG)


So what do you think? How do you deal with fitting in or not fitting in? How do you feel when you're inside and you know that snow is softly falling outside?

Make the Yuletide Affectionate

Merry Christmas Eve! This is my first moho video. Hope you enjoy!

.

p.s. I also posted on FaceBook but I think this YouTube version is the better upload. Let me know what you think.

My thanks to my toes, and you, and you, and you, and you

As I awakened on this Thanksgiving morning of 2010, I thought of my toes and other things I'm thankful for on this cold wintry day in Salt Lake City.

Toes - They're the farthest or is it furthest from my heart, yet they still live. Their nails grow much more slowly than my fingernails. I keep them in the dark almost year round, only letting them out a few days in the summer or a few minutes a day when I shower. They must love it when I swim when they're not only free from sox and shoes, but when the gravity and the weight of body they usually endure are all topsy turvey and wonderfully different. Thank you toes for supporting me. For helping me balance. For giving me perspective about those I care about even when you're far from my heart physically, I still love you. I rely on you. I'm grateful for you. Thank you, toes.

Pipes - I'm grateful for you, too. You pipes in my walls, and in my yard and under my street and your cousins the wires in the air and underground, copper and fiber, all of you. Without you, taking a drink or taking a dump would be so much more difficult. I couldn't write these words as easily and effortlessly save them in the cloud, the cloud wouldn't even exist, nor would the orange "publish post" button, if not for you, dear pipes of all sizes and functions. Like my toes, you are hidden, but like my toes I rely on you so much. Thank you. Thanks for water, heat, electricity, television, telephone, and all that is online. Thanks for quietly and almost flawlessly carrying away gray water and worse. And thanks to all the people behind all the pipes. I sometimes think of myself alone in my home with my loved ones, but we are not alone, we are connected to so many necessities and much more thanks to you, our dear pipes, and those who maintain you and make possible the contents you carry.

ABCs and QWERTY - In the beginning, we're told, was the word. If so, then in the pre-existence there was the alphabet. I'm grateful today for alphabets and words and the expression, and creation and communication they make possible. I learned the QWERTY keyboard in junior high. It has served me so well though the decades. I'm using it at the very moment I write this, and you could not so easily read my words without it. I did not have to form the letters with a pen or pencil. I did not have to find the bin and then find the letter made of lead in reverse and then place it in a tray and then find the next letter and the space and the ink and the paper, the press and the labor, the drying time and distribution. No, all I had to do was press a key and my fingers knew exactly where it would be thanks to QWERTY. For letters, words, keyboards and sentences, paragraphs, typewriters, computers and broadband, I am grateful this day. 

Fingers - Just because I wrote of toes first, did you really think I would fail to mention you, my ten good friends? Thank you for your beautiful functionality. Thank you for your length ratios which, like my counter clockwise hair sworl, are a physical indication of my great challenges and gifts as a bisexual man. Thanks for all you do. Ringman for working with that extra weight of gold more than three decades now. Thank you all for helping with so much everyday. Thank you for letting me touch and feel. For helping so much with buttons, zippers, keys, driving, holding and so much more. For being an integral part of so many handshakes and hugs, caresses and the holding of hands, pets and more. Thank you for working as a team. Please accept my apology for sometimes forgetting you. I try to clip your nails weekly, but as you know, I sometimes procrastinate. In this weather I should make sure that you get lotion and wear my gloves out in the cold. Thank you for all you've done, all you do, all you will do. Thanks, my fingers and thanks for the fingers of others who have touched and served me in countless ways.

FAM - Thanks to mom and dad, grandpas and grandmas, a dear wife, caring offspring, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, nephews and nieces. And those of you who read these words, you, in my book are also family. We are all brothers and sisters, are we not? Like the family members I have listed above, you have helped and loved me, each in your own way, and I appreciate and love you, too. How can that be possible when so many of us have not met face-to-face and we hardly know each other, if at all? Well I've never met two of my grandparents face-to-face either. They were dead long before my birth, but I still appreciate them. I appreciate you, too. Not in the same way, of course, but in an important way nonetheless. I can write without readers, but what a difference it makes to write knowing that someone will read and a few will comment. Thank you for that and much more my moho fam. 

Well it is time for me to rise and shout, even though I'm much more red than blue in my Salt Lake County/Utah County affiliations. No matter where you live, north south, east west, East coast, or Alaska, overseas, or Texas, rural Utah or Hawaii or New York City, I am thankful for you. Thanks for writing and reading, being my Moho bros and sisters. I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving today, that you give thanks and find that the thanks you give are thanking you back. If you're here in frigid Utah may find joy in the warms that protects you. If you are warm Texas, Hawaii or San Diego, may you be especially grateful for the warmth of climate.

Again and again, thanks to my toes, and you, and you, and you, and you.

Rules: The Bad, the OK, and the Wished For

April Theme: The Rules

Old rules that should continue to die - "the bad"

• If you're gay, do all you can to hide it.
• If you can't be heterosexual, fake it until you make it.
• If you marry a woman, the gay will go a way.
• If you marry a woman and the gay doesn't go a way, then it's somebody's fault.
• You would be better off dead than gay.
• All touch is sexual, so don't touch anyone but your spouse.

Existing rules that do apply - "the OK"

• If you are suicidally depressed, get professional help.
• If you marry someone and have children, make them a high priority.
• Care for yourself so you'll be able to care for your loved ones.

New rules? - "the wished-for"

• Not all touch is sexual. It is OK to touch others in appropriate ways.
• Married men, whether straight or gay, can benefit from a variety of male/male friendships.
• Marriage between a man and a woman is the heterosexual ideal, however marriage between persons of the same sex is appropriate for gay people.
• Same sex marriage is legal throughout the United States. This law is not only good for gays, it is good for society in general.

Early in April, Part 3

Kade: Hey…Can you chat? I guess you're not on line...

Arie: Yes I’m here!

Kade: Just wanted to drop you a note that I'm thrilled for your family vacation plans. What fun times ahead for you! Congratulations.

Arie: thanks!

Kade: Is now a bad time?

Arie: no, I’ve got a few minutes. thanks for the congrats. I know you do the family vacation thing too…but I see you in my minds eye as too young to have teenagers. Maybe age is more of an illusion than we think.

Kade: Most definitely. I'm not aging at all - just everyone around me.

Arie: :D Meaning that when we connect, it doesn't matter.

Kade: It doesn't matter - isn't that great!

Arie: Can you still meet for lunch on Thursday? I can bring apples and cheese. Do you like sharp cheddar?

Kade: We can go together from your office if that works.

Arie: Just call me when you arrive and I’ll meet you outside. I think both of our dads would approve.

Kade: I just want a brother that understands. Did your father understand?

Arie: I don’t know if he did or not. It’s not something we got a chance to discuss, but we can talk more about it if you like. It will be so good to see you again.

Kade: We are hiding this from our wives. Does that make it right or wrong? Another question to ponder. Anyway, I've got to run... I hope you're okay - sometimes I ask too many questions...

Arie: You're fine, my man. I'm good. It's been a good chat. Talk to you soon.

Kade: Huge hugs!

Arie: The same for you.

When Kade and Arie met on Thursday, they didn’t realize they’d have some unwanted company. To be continued…

Early in April, Part 2

(continued from here)

Their first face-to-face meeting brought a new intensity to their online chats. Both men sought to actively define a friendship that would lead to growth rather than something that would end in disappointment or worse.

Arie: Why can't it be a win-win-win? That's what I want. For you, for me, for our loved-ones.

Kade: I'd love that. Something that can be looked upon as an example that everything doesn't have to end in disaster.

Arie: I'm going to re-read some of Carol Lynn Pearson's Circling the Wagons. I want to affirm to myself that this is a positive kind of pioneering.

Kade: But do you really believe that can happen?

Arie: I would not do this if I didn't think there was a good chance of success. Nonetheless, there are risks. It's a work in progess. How do you see it in terms of risk vs. reward?

Kade: If there were no risk, there would be no alarms going off. But, if there were no risk, it wouldn't be worth it. Sometimes it takes risk to learn and grow. I'm not here to do anything that will destroy eternity. But, I do feel there is something to learn by being open to one another.

Arie: That makes sense to me and yet there is the possibility that despite our resolve boundaries will shift. We both seen it happen here in the stories of others.

Kade: I will not betray those I love. And I know you won't. And talking about it keeps it in the open. Or are we playing with fire and fooling ourselves?

Dear Stuart,

Your name is getting mentioned more frequently here in the Mohosphere as we approach the 10th anniversary of your death. My own suicide would have followed your's a little over a year later. You took your life on February 25, 2000. My death would probably been sometime between March and August of 2001.

That's when I felt the lowest, but strangely back then you weren't at all on my mind. I'd heard your story, but somehow I didn't relate to it then. I didn't want to commit suicide to send a message, I simply wanted to end the pain. I wonder how many gay Mormon suicides are more like mine almost was, than the more public way you chose to change the scenery.

If I had gone through with it, I probably wouldn't have left a note. I might have even tried to make it look like an accident. But when I felt my most discouraged, rather than plan my exit, I tried to find a way to hang on. Maybe you did that, too. Maybe if I'd been in your shoes, I'd have done what you did, but I was in my shoes.

So what happened? Well your story is still being told and so is mine. Your story is told by others. Your parents tell it. Those who knew you tell it, but mostly I think, your story gets told by those who didn't know you at all. Your story continues to evolve without you. Perhaps it will always do so.

My story I continues to evolve, too, but at least I'm here still adding to it. Some of it is here in my blog. My journals have some of it. My friends and family have bits and pieces. I guess both of our stories are going to go on and on, you're just not in a place where you can still actively contribute to the process.

Or are you? Maybe you and presidents Kimball and Hinckley are talking. Maybe Elders Faust, Maxwell and Brown are in the discussion, too. Maybe you have had some meetings with Evan Stephens, and I sometimes wonder if he's still writing hymns. Maybe all of you are trying to send some messages to all of us and we're just not paying attention.

I want to believe that it's not just your mortal life and death that have made a difference to so many of us. I want to believe that it is also the life you continue to lead. That's what I want to believe.

What I do know is that I'm glad to be alive. I'm glad there are such things as suicide helplines, counselors, medications, prayer, scriptures, loving family, amazing friends and a compassionate Bishop, or two or three. I'm glad I've kept going to church. I'm glad I'm still here in this life, in this neighbohod, in this ward and stake, in this workplace and in my own home. I'm grateful for old friends and some new ones, too. In all of these venues and relationships there is room to learn and grow. I thank you for the role you've played (and are playing?) in helping all of us gain a greater understanding of each other and some of the challenges we face.

I'm looking forward to meeting you someday Stuart, but I hope it isn't anytime soon. I guess that's because I've found out that I pretty much like life. It was awful in 2001 for me, but in 2002 it got a little better, and it 2003 and 2004 it got a ton better and now here we are in the year 2010 and you know what? For a decade that started pretty poorly for me, it's been pretty good. What's amazing is that I don't think these good years would have been possible without that dark time in my life in 2001. It was terrible, but it was also instructional.

I hope you get a chance to read this. I just wish you were still here with us.

See you on the other side,
Ned

When Your Crush Responds

How long can a crush last? And what happens when you're back in touch with a person you crushed on years ago? I've wondered about these questions because one of my earliest crushes, a friend from high school, and I are back in touch at least via social networking and phone. He now lives several states away. Another friend who I worked with years ago also recently friended me on Facebook. He's relatively nearby, only about four hours by car. After more than a decade in both cases, I'm surprised how strong the connection feels. Anyone else have similar experiences?

Climbing to Gain Perspective

I've enjoyed one-on-one time with straight and gay friends hundreds of times over the years--business lunches, runs, hikes, rides. On various Utah mountains I've gained more than altitude. I've seen the world around and below me in greater perspective, and sometimes, particularly with lyrics like these in my earbuds, I've wished that I could tell a few of those close friends how much they mean to me, without confessing that, "Yeah, I've got Judy Garland and Rufus Wainwright concerts on the iPod."

Alone together, beyond the crowd
Above the world
We're not too proud to cling together
We're strong as long as we're together

But then I end up using straight-guy language. The unambiguous language of actions not words. Saying "I like you" with invitations accepted or invitations offered. Saying "I choose to be with you," by showing up and making our way to higher ground together.

Short, Powerful Film

the CLOSET
Uploaded by ailat. - Full seasons and entire episodes online.

I don't remember how I got to this. It may have been through links from someone in this community. If so, I thank you.

I don't send him flowers

My wife enjoyed her Valentine's flowers and I enjoyed giving them to her. Several family gatherings brought much warmth to this cold three day weekend. Church was uplifting. Not a single anti-gay remark. One of my dear neighbors came over and put his arm around me as we headed home. His touch is always welcome. Such blessings of family, faith and friends. I'm a lucky man.

Of course I thought a few times about the man I love. I’ll see him today or tomorrow in the ordinary course of our work. This long-time straight friend will tell me about his weekend and I’ll tell him about mine. I’ll look for the sparkle in his eyes, I’ll hear his voice and laughter once again, I’ll see his smile and that will be enough.