Handshakes, Hugs and Other Connections

Today at church I sought to reach out to people. I smiled more, said more hi-how-are-ya's, spoke up during a silence in our quorum discussion, and I physically touched more people, mostly men, than I usually would.

This wasn't so much a conscious decision at the time, but now I think I understand my motives. I wanted to feel a greater sense of connection. I wanted to treat others as I want to be treated. I'd read an old blog of Beck's this week about a young blond fellow who caught his eye while vacationing with his wife. Today as I sat in church with my wife, a 20-something similar to the guy in Beck's blog (below) walked in and sat about six rows in front of us. Later he introduced himself as a newly-wed member of our ward during Priesthood opening exercises. As he left to attend Elder's Quorum I made eye contact, said hello, reached out to shake his hand, welcomed him and introduced myself. In HP group I sat by a man we home teach and in back of two older fellows who have always been kind to me. After the lesson, I just lingered. I put my hand on the shoulder of the man in front of me and he turned around, we shook hands, smiled and warmly talked. I'd put my left hand on the top of the bench and he placed his right hand on mine just a few seconds.

After church there were more handshakes and back slapping, some I originated, some that sought me out. No hugs today, but it was a good warmup. If I want to the world and myself to be less homophobic about male-to-male touch, maybe I can make a small difference even if it is just one Sunday at a time.

Sunday Night Thoughts

A beautiful weekend ends with peace of the Sabbath and the hope of a warm week ahead. I can handle winter. Snow photos and Christmas warmth are among the positives, but it's the promise of spring that helps me through the darkest days. It's knowing that the days will grow longer once again. The snow will melt. We've now had three days of great mid-March weather here along the Wasatch Front and it's left me feeling much more positive about myself and the planet. I'm not unaware of problems and challenge close to home and throughout the world, but I'm grateful for many blessings:

health, home, healing
St. Patrick's day, St. George and St. Paul
meals, memories, music, Mohos
infants, information, initiative
family, friends, foundations
change, courage, commitment
light, love and learning

There's also this. One of the guys I always look forward to seeing at Church wasn't just friendly today, he actually clapped me on the back and put his hand on my shoulder. Not once but several times. Just remembering that fills me with an inner warmth to match today's sunny weather.

I'm also encouraged by the words of Joseph Smith that Sarah highlighed in her blog entry a few hours ago:

"If I esteem mankind to be in error, shall I bear them down? No. I will lift them up, and in their own way too, if I cannot persuade them my way is better; and I will not seek to compel any man to believe as I do...We will ... cultivate peace and friendship with all, mind our own business, and come off with flying colors, respected, because, in respecting others, we respect ourselves."

Thoughts can kill, but can words heal?

I found myself writing a reply to Beck tonight and thought I'd share it here as well:

I have also felt dead ended at times. Once it was so bad I didn't think I had any option but taking my own life. Fortunately I got help and was eventually able to envision more constructive ways to cope and move forward.

Ezra says you can be in the right spot but not have the results you seek. So true in my experience. I didn't take this photo, but I've shot ones like it. Usually the light is right only for a few moments. You can be in the right spot, but if you're not aware of the moments, you might miss it. However if you capture it vividly in your memory, it's yours forever and nothing can take it away from you. Maybe, Beck, you're in the right spot right now, or you soon will be. I love Sinatra's "love is either in your heart or on its way..." from Young at Heart.

Jay remembers not feeling a sense of belonging for a long time, me too on that one. MoHoHawaii endorses therapy. I can tell you I wouldn't be alive today without it. So on top of these ideas I'll throw in one more: bibliotherapy. It's inexpensive and sometimes quite effective.

Beck I will pray for you. I will ask our Father in Heaven to bless you now and in the hours and days ahead that you might feel His divine love, and our love, your wife's love, your children's love, the love of those you have mentored, and the love you have cast upon the waters these many years. I want to believe that we are also in your prayers, and I do believe our collective and individual prayers are more powerful than we sometimes think.

A Love That Will Never Grow Old?

I saw TMIL (the man I love) today. We spent a few minutes walking and talking just hours ago. I sometimes let myself forget just how good it is to be with him. I had work and worries on my mind when lunch time arrived early on this first Monday of daylight jumbled time. I was thinking so much about other stuff that it surprised me how grateful I was to see him, to look in his eyes, to hear his voice. I've felt this affinity for him hundreds of times during the short decade of our friendship, but it never grows old. It's wonderful and it still surprises me sometimes.

Maybe this is how his wife feels when she sees him after he's been gone. Maybe this is how he feels when they're together. What a blessing will be ours if my wife and I ever again feel even a portion of this magic. Meanwhile, TMIL is here in my life, a one-sided bromance, a good friend, a great blessing, a love I doubt will ever grow old.

Worth a listen:
The Man I Love
A Love That Will Never Grow Old

Evan Stephens tithing slip protest

This past Sunday's tithing slip fell out of my wallet today and I noticed that there's a blank on the very bottom for "other". What if all the tithe paying Moho's decided that on a certain Sunday we'd all donate to "other" and specify something like the "Evan Stephens fund"? (Stephens may have been a Moho. Quinn says yes. The Brethren say no.)

Just what would this accomplish, you ask? It's a good question that deserves a good answer. One I don't have at the moment. Besides, maybe there's a better way to show our solidarity. Maybe we're already doing it by blogging. I guess we could create our own Moho Temple day or night sometime. Or perhaps something more inclusive, like the uniform thing again or the Matis and Scott & Sarah gatherings in Utah, but something anyone anywhere could participate in. Yes, blogging and Facebooking work well for that. Just some random thoughts.

Brother Stephens wrote more than 80 hymns, 18 of which are in the current English hymbook. Here's an excerpt from one of my favorites:

Purify our hearts, Our Savior
Let us go not far astray
That we may be counted worthy
Of thy Spirit day by day
When temptations are before us
Give us strength to overcome
Always guard us in our wanderings
Till we leave our earthly home

(#183, In Remembrance of Thy Suffering)

I don't send him flowers

My wife enjoyed her Valentine's flowers and I enjoyed giving them to her. Several family gatherings brought much warmth to this cold three day weekend. Church was uplifting. Not a single anti-gay remark. One of my dear neighbors came over and put his arm around me as we headed home. His touch is always welcome. Such blessings of family, faith and friends. I'm a lucky man.

Of course I thought a few times about the man I love. I’ll see him today or tomorrow in the ordinary course of our work. This long-time straight friend will tell me about his weekend and I’ll tell him about mine. I’ll look for the sparkle in his eyes, I’ll hear his voice and laughter once again, I’ll see his smile and that will be enough.

Video Satirizes Bureaucracy

The following video is about NASA, but it's easy to see how this dynamic may apply to discussions about proposed changes at 47 East South Temple or within the church office building. Or perhaps not. Let me know what you think.

I heard about this video in this report on NPR.

My Entire Life a Fraud?

I wrote the following to one of our fellow Moho Bloggers. One of his friends let me know he wasn't comfortable with my linking to his post, so I've removed that link from this post and from the list of blogs I'm publicly following. 

"Thanks for sharing such an intense post. I related to some of your statements because they recalled the black and white, either/or thinking I did quite a bit of when I was suicidally depressed.

In your post I saw words like: all, gone, anymore, lost all my faith, didn't try, I guess I lied to myself, too late, I don't think that I'll ever be happy.

I remember thinking my entire life had been a fraud and that anything good I'd done was an illusion. Now of course, I realize my black and white thinking was the cause of most of my pain.

To me one of the greatest things in your post was this admission: I even thought that I had a light feeling, one time. I thought that I felt His arms, a love, a peace, a release.

In my opinion you did feel these things and you can feel them again, even right now. Our Savior's love is unconditional, right now, for you and me and everyone else on the planet. One of my favorite hymns is Our Savior's Love and how it breaks through clouds of stife.

So much for my soap box."

What Would Lincoln Do?

What would Lincoln do if he were here to help us? I don't know, but I love this quotation:

"The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew, and act anew." --A.Lincoln

Is Mormon scripture silent on same sex love?

"And Moroni went to the city of Mulek with Lehi, and took command of the city and gave it unto Lehi. Now behold, this Lehi was a man who had been with Moroni in the more part of all his battles; and he was a man like unto Moroni, and they rejoiced in each other’s safety; yea, they were beloved by each other, and also beloved by all the people of Nephi." (Alma 53:2)

We are not told exactly how they rejoiced in their love, but Moroni gave Lehi a city, not a small gift. Nonetheless it is clear that these two men cared a great deal for each other, had been together a great deal in battle, were grateful for their mutual safety and joyful to be reunited with their respective "beloved."

That they we also beloved by all the people of Nephi may suggest that their affection for each other was not anything out of the ordinary, not something that was hidden from others. The scripture also contains the reference that "this Lehi...was a man like unto Moroni..." Yes, they may have been Kinsey Ones who were just dear friends (as are many straight men bonding as brothers together in war, church callings, or servitude) but they could also have been Kinsey Sixes or Threes and the narrative holds together at least as well or much, much better depending on your view. What do you think?

One GBLT, white or wheat?

I'm standing in line for a sandwich and talking on my cell. As the call ends, the guy in front of me says, "You're into the GBLT community? Wow I like guacamole BLTs too, but I didn't know there was a community."

"Actually it's not GBLT as but GLBT as in gay, lesbian, bisexual and transexual," I tell him.

"Those gays in California, they already have rights. I just don't want them to call it marriage," says the stranger.

I flash on the MLK's quotation that 'Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere," but I say nothing. We have a few seconds of welcome silence and then he says, "So you got a gay kid?"

"No, my kids are straight. I'm the one who's gay."

Again a few moments of silence as I open my wallet. "But that's your wife's photo, isn't it? And your wearing our underwear."

"Excuse me?"

"The garments, the white shirt, the Mr. Mac suit. Does your Bishop know about this?"

"He sure does. I'm his first counselor."

This conversation didn't really take place, but it would make a good urban legend.

Put Your Wheel Back on the Stool, Push Along

In this post, Beck shows a what Scott calls a titillating scene, plus a three-leg and a four-leg stool. Since I wrote such a long response, I'm cross posting it here so I don't feel like I'm neglecting my blog--such are my rationalizations. ; )

Hey Beck, great discussion!

My age will show again here, but I'm remembering an old BJ Thomas song:

A little bit of love is
better than no love
Even the bad love is
better than no love
And even the sad love is
better than no love at all

I used to hear that and think, that's just wrong. Some kinds of love are destructive and just the opposite is true: Sometimes no love at all is better than than a bad love, sometimes a little love is too little too late and just isn't worth it.

And that's where I've mellowed and changed over the years. The physical affection my wife and I share is not as intense as it once was. But I'm grateful for all we do share. For me this "little bit of love" goes a long way and has helped keep us together for three decades.

But I'm also much more open to loving men and accepting their affection. Years ago if a high priest had put his arm around me during Priesthood, I'd have have thought it was creepy.

Now I just enjoy it. It happened last week. It was a blessing. I don't worry it. I just feel the warmth and acceptance. So what I once would have defined as inappropriate has become welcome. I "keep changing" as L might say.

Regarding your metaphor, I think our marriage stool is one with five or six wheels, and sometimes one of them falls off or needs replacement. It's a problem and it needs attention, but we can deal with it and otherwise it's a great stool.

p.s. Scott: The word "titillating" makes me laugh. Thanks for the chuckle!

Reaffirming Our Spirit, Choosing Hope

Here are a few the quotes that stood out to me from President Obama's inaugural address today:

"The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness."

"On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord."

"Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America."

If Gay is the New Black, then...

Here's an edit of Dr. King, to liken an excerpt of "I Have a Dream" to current events...

"The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the gay community must not lead us to a distrust of all straight people, for many of our straight brothers and sisters, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom."

And the original:

"The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom."

And another great line out of the speech: "You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive."

Read, listen or watch the speech here. I've seen excerpts many times, but only a few days ago did I read and view the entire speech. I highly recommend the experience, and welcome your thoughts on what it means to you.

Must it be an Either/Or World?

Sometimes I feel that I'm living in an either/or world. Either you're gay or straight. Republican or Democrat. A Ute or a Cougar. Active LDS or apostate.

I'm glad to have seen some recent discussion on the MoHo blogs about the Kinsey scale. I identify with those who say they are fours, but for me it has changed over time.

When I was first married and a young father, I would say I got down to a three, maybe even sometimes a two. As I've grown older maybe I'm just more honest with myself. For a decade or so, I'd say I'm at least a four, and many times a five.

In my bisexual way of thinking, I don't see my life as a married man and father who appears to be heterosexual as a fraud. It's the truth, just not the whole truth and nothing but the truth. To misquote Al Gore, it's a convenient truth.

There's just more to the story. As much as I love women in general and my wife as my friend, confidant, companion, partner and mother of our children, her touch is different than occasional male hug I am blessed with. (The difference is particularly notable when the hug comes from someone I am strongly attracted to.)  

So here I am a bi-guy, a man who can (in theory anyway) love a greater variety of God's children than either a Kinsey 1 or 6. I'm also a Ute who doesn't hate the Cougars, an Obama supporter who likes Huntsman, an active LDS high priest who believes that the church will eventually revise the Proclamation on the Family.

How could that happen? Because I'm not always an either/or thinker, I can imagine a doctrine that upholds marriage between a man and a woman as ordained by God, and a modern-day revelation that marriages between same-sex couples are also fully acceptable.

One of the ideas that offers me the most hope actually comes from the Proclamation on the Family. It is this sentence: "Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation."

So yes, heterosexual marriage is of God, but for some of us "other circumstances may NECESSITATE individual adaptation." I can see the church eventually embracing this view, but then again I'm also old enough to remember the pre-1978 church which would have looked upon the marriage of Barack Obama's parents as something evil.

Alfred Edward Housman

A.E. Housman (1859-1936) wrote the following about his unrequited love for Moses Jackson. Not being a particularly literary guy, I just discovered this tonight thanks to Wikipedia.

Because I liked you better

Than suits a man to say

It irked you, and I promised

To throw the thought away.

To put the world between us

We parted, stiff and dry;

Goodbye, said you, forget me.

I will, no fear, said I

If here, where clover whitens

The dead man's knoll, you pass,

And no tall flower to meet you

Starts in the trefoiled grass,

Halt by the headstone naming

The heart no longer stirred,

And say the lad that loved you

Was one that kept his word.

One of My Guys

I'm grateful for a few good friends including an outdoors man who once intimidated me with talk of his weekend adventures. We are alike and different. Both of us are married fathers, active LDS priesthood holders, good friends who have sought each other's company for years.

We both appear to be straight, but he actually is. We both appear to be at home in the world of men, but he actually is. He is comfortable in his own skin and somehow when I'm with him I'm more comfortable in my own skin.

I notice and appreciate his hands, wrists, forearms and shoulders; his intense but warm eyes, his smile, his voice, his laughter. He is kind and relaxed, quiet but articulate. A huge part of his appeal to me is that he isn't tuned into to any of these kinds of things.

Sunday Limerance

Ten Things I Love about Sundays

1. Time with family
2. Sleeping in (two of every three years, that is)
3. Sunday dinner with the fam
4. Our discussions before, during and after dinner
5. Singing congregational hymns
6. Partaking of the Sacrament
*7. Sitting, singing, talking with my Priesthood bros
*8. Handshakes, howdy do's, and occassional hugs
9. The Sunday newspapers
10. Rarely going to work or shopping

*Depending on who I'm interacting with, or just sitting behind or next to, there may be none, a small amount or a fairly large of amount of limerance.

50 Years in Five Sentences

1. For more than half of our three decades together, I've been out to my wife.

2. In other words I entered this, my first and only marriage, without being honest with myself or her, but that was typical of MOMs (mixed orientation marriages) in 1979.

3. We love, respect, admire, serve, worship, fight, confide, travel and laugh together, but she is no longer in love with me and my sexual passion for her continues to fade.

4. I'm out to my Bishop and he knows one of the huge reasons I go to church is to be with my buddies and brothers, the High Priests and Elders.

5. My man crushes, bromances and unrequited loves equal a dozen, so if I live five more decades, it may reach two dozen at this rate.