Not hungry? Just wait a while.

Beck jolted me out of my silence with his entry the Hunger that never goes away, and his question "Will it ever?" All of which prompted this reply:


Beck, my dear friend, do other hungers really ever go away?

You eat a Thanksgiving Feast and a few hours later, what do you want? More food. Another piece of pie. Maybe a cold turkey sandwich. (pun intended)

You attend the symphony or an engaging play or a great ball game. And what happens a few days or weeks or months later? You want more music, more drama, more sports.

You buy a fast new computer, or a new car, or a new suit. It's wonderful at first. Then in a while the computer doesn't seem all that fast any more. The car loses the new car smell. The new suit becomes just a suit. And eventually you hunger again for new technology or attire.

At least I do. So...

Just when I think I've accepted my MOM relationship, I find there's some new wrinkle, or some old one that returns.

Just when I think, I've got it pretty good, something comes along to show me that while I am blessed, I am also greatly challenged.

Just when I think I can swim fluently, I don't breathe right on a flip turn and a little water goes up my nose.

So yes, I relate to your hunger that never goes away. I feel it too. I do an innocent online chat with an old buddy, and pretty soon all I can think about is being in his arms.

But I also realize that most everything in life ebbs and flows. The rain--I hope, I pray, I imagine--will eventually give way to sunshine. Hey I live in Salt Lake not Seattle. And then after a while it will be too hot and I'll long for cool rainy days like today.

I have no answers. But I'm grateful for the way you pose questions. And I'm grateful for your friendship. Maybe our satisfaction in life relates more to the challenge of asking unanswerable questions rather than ease of finding questionable answers.

What do you think, Beck?

Blessings of Brotherhood

A couple of weeks ago I had a wonderful experience that I wanted to share with you. I was buying some stuff at a store and noticed that the cashier who was about to ring up my purchases looked like a friend of mine, which gave me warm feelings toward him even though we'd never met. But I decided to treat him as a friend and not a stranger. Our eyes locked as I walked up to the counter and said "How are you?" as if we were old friends.

We both smiled. His facial expression matched my hopes. He looked back into my eyes as if we did know each other.  Debit or credit, he asked. I said debit and, as if I had seen him in a variety of different shirts and ties over the years, I said, "You know that shirt and tie really look great on you. You ought to wear that combination more often." Our eyes again locked and he said, "Well thanks, bud, I will." He handed me my stuff and I said "Have a good one" and he said "You, too." It was probably over in less than a minute, but it was one of those sweet moments I hope I'll always remember.

Today when I saw the real friend that this guy reminded me of, I wanted to give him a big hug and say, "I love you so much." But he doesn't like hugs and I don't usually tell straight guys I love them, so we just talked about our weekends.

Later today I saw another friend. This time he was the one who kept making eye contact. As we talked I noticed his white teeth, his full lips, his neatly trimmed beard, the way his shirt hung on his shoulders, and then right in the middle of the conversation a kind of miracle happened. He put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a little squeeze.  I've always felt affection toward this man--another happily married fellow--but today he was the one who physically touched me. What a blessing.

I'm curious about the experiences you, my moho friends, have with your straight friends. Do you also restrain yourself? Do you also find that sometimes a friend's touch is like a gift from God himself?

Early in April, Part 3

Kade: Hey…Can you chat? I guess you're not on line...

Arie: Yes I’m here!

Kade: Just wanted to drop you a note that I'm thrilled for your family vacation plans. What fun times ahead for you! Congratulations.

Arie: thanks!

Kade: Is now a bad time?

Arie: no, I’ve got a few minutes. thanks for the congrats. I know you do the family vacation thing too…but I see you in my minds eye as too young to have teenagers. Maybe age is more of an illusion than we think.

Kade: Most definitely. I'm not aging at all - just everyone around me.

Arie: :D Meaning that when we connect, it doesn't matter.

Kade: It doesn't matter - isn't that great!

Arie: Can you still meet for lunch on Thursday? I can bring apples and cheese. Do you like sharp cheddar?

Kade: We can go together from your office if that works.

Arie: Just call me when you arrive and I’ll meet you outside. I think both of our dads would approve.

Kade: I just want a brother that understands. Did your father understand?

Arie: I don’t know if he did or not. It’s not something we got a chance to discuss, but we can talk more about it if you like. It will be so good to see you again.

Kade: We are hiding this from our wives. Does that make it right or wrong? Another question to ponder. Anyway, I've got to run... I hope you're okay - sometimes I ask too many questions...

Arie: You're fine, my man. I'm good. It's been a good chat. Talk to you soon.

Kade: Huge hugs!

Arie: The same for you.

When Kade and Arie met on Thursday, they didn’t realize they’d have some unwanted company. To be continued…

Early in April, Part 2

(continued from here)

Their first face-to-face meeting brought a new intensity to their online chats. Both men sought to actively define a friendship that would lead to growth rather than something that would end in disappointment or worse.

Arie: Why can't it be a win-win-win? That's what I want. For you, for me, for our loved-ones.

Kade: I'd love that. Something that can be looked upon as an example that everything doesn't have to end in disaster.

Arie: I'm going to re-read some of Carol Lynn Pearson's Circling the Wagons. I want to affirm to myself that this is a positive kind of pioneering.

Kade: But do you really believe that can happen?

Arie: I would not do this if I didn't think there was a good chance of success. Nonetheless, there are risks. It's a work in progess. How do you see it in terms of risk vs. reward?

Kade: If there were no risk, there would be no alarms going off. But, if there were no risk, it wouldn't be worth it. Sometimes it takes risk to learn and grow. I'm not here to do anything that will destroy eternity. But, I do feel there is something to learn by being open to one another.

Arie: That makes sense to me and yet there is the possibility that despite our resolve boundaries will shift. We both seen it happen here in the stories of others.

Kade: I will not betray those I love. And I know you won't. And talking about it keeps it in the open. Or are we playing with fire and fooling ourselves?

One Hand One Heart

(photo from Beck's blog)

Make of our hands one hand,
Make of our hearts one heart,
Make of our vows one last vow:
Only death will part us now.

Make of our lives one life,
Day after day, one life.
Now it begins, now we start
One hand, one heart;
Even death won't part us now.

Interesting, isn't it how Stephen Sondheim and Leonard Bernstein captured the essence of both mortal and eternal marriages in this classic from West Side Story. It's a beautiful, emotional song and yet I wonder, based on my own experience, how many MOMs (Mixed Orientation Marriages) achieve this ideal.

My dear wife and I are of one heart on many issues, particularly concerning our children and our pride in the way they treat others and their varied accomplishments. However our lives are not one, but multiple lives. We have different views so many things, different approaches, varying tastes, divergent opinions. Most of the hours of our days are not spent together but apart. Even much of our leisure time is spent in proximity to one another, but not in close physical or emotional contact.

Much of this is healthy. I agree with Kahlil Gibran: "...let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls." Nonetheless I am bound. I have chosen to be. I am bound by commitments and covenants, days which have stretched into years, months which have morphed into decades.

The spaces in our togetherness allow for friendships. Married women usually have their intimate girl friends. They may greet with hugs and kisses. Their supportive touching may include handholding. Some married men have their trusted business associates, their fishing buddies*, their racketball partners, those whose company they enjoy as they train together for a marathon or serve together in the neighborhood, church and community. While these relationships vary in the level of their intimacy, they tend to be platonic--even so the men may testify of the love for each other and kid each other about their bromance.

The dynamics are more complicated when one of the two buddies is gay or bisexual, but there remains a safety net. In a MOM male friendship, the straight man's orientation provides a natural barrier to convenant-breaking. The friends may be physically and emotionally close in many ways. They may share doubts, concerns and joys. They make greet and depart with the embrace of whiskered bear hugs. They may inhale each other's unique scent of sweat not entirely overpowered by deodorant. Hundreds even thousands of times over a long term freindship they may dress and undress together. They may stand naked, talking, laughing, shaving in the all-male bastion of the locker room and its showers. Sexual contact does not occur. It is not desired by one or even both of the men.

But when the males in a friendship are married men who are both SGA or SSA or bi-sexual or gay, and when the friendship includes playful, brotherly touch and mutual desire for more, what barriers protect that friendship from escalating into convenant-breaking? Is the covenant the safety net? What can they do to create appropriate spaces in their togetherness? How can their relationship help rather than hinder the vows they have made to their wives, the commitments they have made to their children, the chaste friendship they wish to sustain?

*usually, not, I presume of the Brokeback Mountain genre. ;)