Happy and Dark Thoughts

I responded to a Facebook post this morning with this statement: "Sorry to hear you've been feeling lonely and longing for a relationship. Totally agree that it is no fun...Here's something you can try that might open up your thinking. Write the letters A-Z down the left hand side of sheet of paper. Fold it in half. Label the first column happy thoughts and the 2nd column gloomy thoughts. Then try to come up with a word or phrase or even sentence starting with each letter. It's just a way of affirming what you like or long for and also getting the dark stuff out on paper. It's helped me many times. Of course your mileage may vary. But if you give it a try let us know what you think. Hugs and good luck."

Then I decided to take my own advice and here's the list:

a - awesome / awful
b - beauty / bad breath
c - companionship / craziness
d - dependability / discrimination
e - elegance / extreme disorganization
f - funny, fun-loving people / frustration
g - green grass, freshly cut / gangrene, needing amputation
h - hello, people who say hello to you / hell, when it's a hell of a day
i - innovation, cool new stuff / insincerity, fake stuff
j - jelly, jam and buttered toast / junk that's just clutter
k - kin who are kind / kin that don't accept you
l - love, especially the unconditional kind  / leaders who are abusive
m - men who are kind and caring / men who are jerks
n - nature that nurtures, a sunny day / nature that kills, a tornado
o - opportunities that lift / oppression that crushes
p - pretty stuff, see beauty above / petty people who piss you off
q - quality that counts / quality that's just an empty word
r - recreation with loved ones and friends / rejection
s - security / stupidity
t - trust and trees / too tired, the state of being
u - understanding / underfunding
v - victory, when you get a great win / valentines, never received
w - wonderful moments, fresh and remembered / wonderbread, stale
x - marking the spot of a treasure / when you didn't want it to end
y - you make me feel so young, Sinatra / yikes, Scoobee-Doo
z - zoos and z's, snoozing / z's not enough, as in sleep deprivation

Do I feel better? Somewhat. I thought of some positives I wouldn't have otherwise. But the same is true of the negatives. On balance, though, a good exercise in counting blessings and exploring reality. I guess another things that works about this for me is finding connections. It's easy to be black and white and just find opposites. There's a place for that. But it's also great just to riff and have fun with it.

Moho Limericks - Give it Try

I'm a somewhat straight fellow and gay
And I'm happily married this day
Sometimes my wife sighs
She knows I like guys
But pair bonded to her I will stay

- - -

I just know you, my few but dedicated readers, can have some great fun with this format. I invite you to add your own Moho limerick as a comment to this post. Happy soon-approaching St. Patrick's day.

Alone but not Lonely

(Gay) Mormon Guy's post about Fitting In prompted me to write the following. I figured I might as well share it here and ask for your thoughts and insights.


Hey MG, 

First of all since I don't know your name, I hope you're OK with MG as nick name. If not let me know and I'll abide by your wishes.

Second, I relate to your post. Even when I am among friends and family, I sometimes feel the same as you, like I don't fit it. So here's the little talk I sometimes have with myself. "You are unique. You are one of a kind. Even if you had an exact twin, your spirits would be different. Enjoy the difference, but also be aware of how much we share. All of us on this planet are brothers and sisters. We are all subject to hunger, thirst, fatigue and loneliness. None of us is exempt, but no matter what our situation at any given moment, we have opportunities to respond, not just to react, but to draw upon our God-given talents and abilities and feel the connection we share with the other mere mortals in our proximity." 

Third, do I always do this? Of course not. It is an ideal. But it is worth striving for. Some people may characterize this approach as "fake it until you make it" but that's not what I'm advocating. I'm saying that sharing our authentic and sometimes vulnerable feelings can sometimes help another person and ourselves feel more at ease, more accepted.

Fourth, at this moment I am sitting in a darkened room. A small amount of light is glowing from my laptop screen. The other light is from the Christmas lights hanging outside my windows. I've opened all the blinds so I can see the snowstorm. I am alone, but I don't feel lonely because I know you'll be reading this message later, and although we've never met I consider you a friend. 

Fifth, I know that conditions outside are cold and dangerous, but I choose to see the beauty. The room would be warmer if I closed the blinds, but then I'd miss the beauty of the storm. I hope this finds you warm and happy. I hope it will brighten your outlook in someway and I hope you will know and feel that you are not alone.


(End of Message to MG)


So what do you think? How do you deal with fitting in or not fitting in? How do you feel when you're inside and you know that snow is softly falling outside?

Dolls and Darkrooms

Here's my earlier post on this subject 

using same great painting by 

Steve Walker.

As a little boy I didn’t worry what people thought. I liked dolls, purses, makeup, jewelry, sewing and photography. Later I learned that real boys don’t like dolls, purses, makeup and jewelry. I knew that I was a real boy, but I didn’t like the things real boys liked, except photography. So I hid those parts from others and eventually from myself. As a teenager I spent a lot of time processing film and photos in a darkroom. In some ways I’ve lived most of my life in a darkroom.

Now I’m a young senior citizen. More than half of my life is behind me. I’ve hidden from myself and others for so long that I sometimes wonder if I can ever let the real me show. Does he even exist or did I kill him just as surely as if I had driven my VW Beetle into the family garage and closed the door with the engine running. 

A few minutes ago an online acquaintance texted me that he’d been burned by people who weren’t honest about who they are. He asked if I used a pseudonym online. I told him yes. He said “I wish you well” and then a little green bright spot on my computer screen lost its color and turned gray. I wanted to tell him, I’m trying to be me. I really am. But I’ve hidden so long that light hurts my eyes, sun burns my skin, sound hurts my ears and I feel like I’m going to melt and sizzle away like a chip of ice on a hot stove.

Then I hear another voice saying, “Oh come on, stop with all the drama and angst already. You’re a grown up man. Act like one. Get on with your life. Quit living in the past. Stop the pity party. Get over yourself. Life is tough, then you die. Besides, why would our Father in Heaven do that to anyone?"

Then I hear a kinder voice saying, “You really are OK just the way you are. And you are multi-faceted. That’s OK. Diamonds are like that, too.”

Processing the Castro

My trip earlier this summer to San Francisco remains vivid in my mind. Perhaps because I've got photos like this one on my screen saver. It's taken me a while to sort through my feelings, and here's what it's sounded like:

It was just a business trip.

It was more than a business trip because I met with a former colleague and his partner and the three of us enjoyed a great dinner together in the Castro.

But it was just a business trip.

No, actually it was a bit like a family reunion. You enjoy being with folks like you that you don't normally see. You might not feel close to all your cousins, but still it's nice to be with your own people from time to time.

Fine. You saw some people you identified with. But that always happens on a business trip. You're with people in your business. It is like a family renion.

But I'm not talking about the business meetings. I'm talking about walking through these busy streets and somehow feeling more accepting of myself and others. I'm talking about walking through the one the gayest areas of the world with a friend and his lover and feeling OK about it. 

Ok. So you had a nice dinner and enjoyed it with a happy couple. But you were there for business. You had your meetings and got on the plane and came home. Nothing all that differernt from all your other business trips.

Look, this isn't a debate. Yes it was a business trip and a great dinner and an eye opening stroll through at part of the city I wouldn't have visited alone. And it was a chance to feel some brotherhood and acceptance.

So you came out to your friend?

No. I could be wrong, but I think it's just understood. We're both Mormon boys. He's been out most of his adult life. For more than 30 of my almost 60 years, I've been closeted and even now I'm only out to some family and some friends. 

And you're not out to him?

You know, I don't really think I have to be. He knows me well enough. He knows I'm a married father who is active in the church. But he also knows I'm comfortable with him. And now he knows I'm comfortable with him and his partner eating dinner in the Castro. That's enough for now. 

You talk a good game. But let's be honest now, if this were really as resolved as you say it is, would you be blogging about it?

Good point. I had to write--well I wanted to write about something and to be honest with you I thought I'd just choose a photo and then see what comes to mind. 

Maybe you were right the first time. Maybe you had to write. Just like you know you know whe you have to pray even when sometimes you don't. And speaking of being honest, it probably wouldn't have hurt if you'd been just a little more candid with your friend.

Question for readers: Do you ever have conversations like this with yourself?