the illusive third way

Congratulations to Beck who has been out to his wife seven years and recently had a Capraesque moment with his wife. It certainly is relevant to those in mixed orientation marriages and helps put my couple of decades of being out to my wife in perspective. 

My three decade marriage to the female love of my life is wonderful and difficult. My decade of friendship with the male love of my life is also filled with wonder and challenge. 

I have sought an illusive third way as I know Beck and many others have. Perhaps we find it without knowing it, by keeping covenants yet seeking to embrace our full identity as same gender loving men married to remarkable women, as fathers, sons, brothers and friends, as men of faith and doubt.

Lead with Love - on radio at 11:00 a.m.

This sounds promising...

maybe some of us should call in ;)

1/17/11: Lead With Love

Doug Fabrizio (2011-01-17)

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH (KUER) - Monday, Doug sits down with University of Utah psychologist David Huebner and filmmaker Jenny Mackenzie to talk about a new documentary they've created for parents of gay and lesbian children. Huebner's research has found that when parents reject their children, those kids are more likely to be depressed and to take drugs. They are also eight times more likely to attempt suicide. The film gives practical advice to parents about what they can do to make a difference. It's called "Lead With Love."

11:00 a.m. MST on KUER and XM public radio. You can also listen live from anywhere via their website which will also offer the show as a podcast later at kuer.org.

Both of us cried, when I told my Bishop

Click image to see original
Steve Walker painting.

The latest blog from Invictus inspired me to write about my experience coming out to my Bishop, my former Bishop that is. He’s served his time and we now have a new young pup learning the ropes. Do puppies learn ropes? Oh the problems of mixed metaphors. Maybe I will also tell the pup someday, but right now I kind of doubt it. (The other week when he told me with a twinkle in his eye that I looked very handsome and happy, I thought for just a moment he could be a member of the fam. Wishful thinking, I guess, but that's the subject of a different post.)

The Bishop I did tell immediately treated me differently after our first of many discussions. He had always been kind, but his kindness increased. He went out of his way to ask me how I was doing. As one of his clerks, if he knew I was in the building, he would ask me to join the Bishopric for an opening or closing prayer. Many times, but not always, he would ask me to say the prayer. In so many ways he said to me, not in words, but in his actions, “I respect you. I love you as a brother and friend and as your bishop.”

I’ve read here of other experiences with Bishops that were not as positive. With 28,424 wards and branches throughout the world, there are bound to be many differing approaches of Bishops and Branch Presidents. In a worldwide religion with 13,824,854 members there are 138,245 of us personally dealing with homosexuality given a very conservative 1% “gay rate”. I would like to hear the stories of others who have had positive and not-so-positive dealings with their Bishops and other leaders.

A great time to come out?

It's a great time to come out, right? After all, church members are being urged like never before to be kind and loving to gays and lesbians. How can my fellow brothers and sisters know that I need their love and support as I deal with SGA while sustaining my MOM relationship--oops--if I'm going to come out, I guess I'll also have to try to stop talking in code. I'll have to say I'm dealing with same gender attraction while sustaining my mixed-orientation marriage, but even then, I'll probably get unknowing stares as people ask themselves "What on earth is he talking about? Is this more of this gay lingo? It used to be out in the world, not it's right here in our neighborhood."

What will coming out do to my affectionate relationships with the guys in my High Priests Group? I like the idea that they're talking with me and even occasionally putting a hand on my shoulder or squeezing my knee just because we're brothers and we feel comfortable touching each other. Would I want them to touch me and talk with me to show me increased love and acceptance because I'm struggling with this "terrible burden of being gay" and Mormon? Hmmm, maybe not so much.

How would I feel if I knew that in Ward Council the Relief Society president was saying, "We've got to reach out to Ned and his wife, especially his wife. Think of what she's be going through all those years being married to a gay man, uh, a SSA man, oh no, SGA, that's what we call it right? We need to be sure she gets visiting taught every month, and what are you High Priests going to do with Ned?"

To which the HP group leader confesses, "Well, I'm sorry to say this but some of our older High Priests feel that Ned's really betrayed them. He's always been so kind and sometimes openly affectionate, but now they think he's been coming on to them all these years. When we thought of Ned as straight, of course we accepted him as one of the group, but now that we know that he's turned gay, uh, or he now thinks that he's SSA or SGA, whatever you want to call it, these guys feel like he's been lying to them about who he really is. They don't trust him. To be honest, I don't think we can keep him as an instructor."

To which the Bishop says, "Well maybe we could lovingly call him to coordinate the Saturday morning cleaning of the building. No, that's not going to work, people aren't going to want to be alone in the church with him. We can put him on the prayer rolls of the Temple and we'll pray about calling another instructor so we can release him. He's a great teacher, but this whole gay thing is really making people uncomfortable. If only Ned had kept this to himself, we wouldn't have to be dealing with all this contention."

What do you think? Am I being too cynical? Or am I just facing the reality that older members of the church, and those who have become leaders because of their orthodox views, aren't really going to be on board with really loving and accepting gays and lesbians?

Glad you asked, Abe

Abe is challenging us to blog about our journey. Thanks Abe, glad you asked!

How did you get to where you are today?

I've been blessed with good genes and wonderful family and friends. I was born out of the love, passion and patience of a beautiful, talented woman and a handsome, gentle father. Whether my bisexuality is due to genetics or the environment of my mother's womb or other causes, I no longer view it as a curse. I have come to see it as gift, an integral part of who I am. I agree that, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." (Hinckley: 1995) But I also wonder if gender identity isn't also such an essential characteristic.

I am here because of the love and service of many people, including those who have pioneered and built communities and institutions that nurture and challenge me today. I am here because of parents and siblings, counselors and doctors, teachers and leaders, neighbors and strangers, and many I do not know who have created environments in which I have been able to prosper.

Are you happy with where you are? why or why not?

I am generally happy and optimistic, healthy and strong. Of course there are times of sadness, cynicism and sickness, and many forms of weakness, but overall I'm a happy fellow. One source of my happiness is improved mental health. I have suffered from long term anxiety and low grade depression. A few years ago I endured a major depressive episode during which I seriously considered suicide. For a time I sought a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I'm so glad I didn't take that step. One of the reasons I am happy is because I have gained perspective from being so ill. I'm grateful that I was again able to feel hope, to regain my appetite, to again feel loved, to be able to laugh and feel pleasure. I no longer take my mental and physical well being for granted.

Where do you see yourself in the future?

I agree with the idea that it is never too late to have a happy childhood, I also believe it is never too late to have a happy adulthood. My wife and I have a largely functional marriage which I hope will continue to thrive until I predecease her. Should she predecease me, I can imagine dating women or men since I see myself as bisexual. Whether I remain married or become a widower, I believe my well being is largely determined by the choices I make to stay healthy and live a balanced life. I am not out to all my children. I hope that will eventually change. When it does I hope we can all benefit from more candor and openness. Several of my coming out experiences have not been positive, so this is an area of the future that concerns me.

I hope my future will include rejoicing as LDS church continues to refine its attitudes about sexuality. The Family: A Proclamation to the World includes this highly significant sentence: "Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation." I find hope in the idea that the church, like individuals, may find it necessary to adapt. One of my greatest sources of hope is the 9th Article of Faith: "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal and we beleive he will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God." Meanwhile I am grateful to feel love and acceptance from both sides of the veil. I am also grateful that I have the capacity to accept and love others.

What roadblocks do you have and/or have overcome?

I am a survivor of childhood asthma and if my parents had not lived next door to a physician I may not have lived to see my fifth birthday. I reached adulthood before the 1978 revelation that all worthy men could receive the priesthood. The church's former racist policy and teachings were a roadblock to my fully accepting Mormonism. The fact that that roadblock fell is a source of hope that other much-needed changes should and can be made. My mixed orientation marriage (MOM) has survived my coming out and several bouts of unemployment, depression and anxiety. We have been greatly blessed with children, extended family, friends, neighbors and associates.

What advice do you have for others following a similar path that you have?

Ok, I see this as an invitation to stand on a soap box, so here goes: Seek to keep yourself physically, spiritually, mentally, intellectually, socially, educationally, profesionally and financially healthy and strong. Be a lifelong learner and contributor to those causes you value.

Seek mentors and friends you can draw strength from. Seek to be a mentor to others and to encourage and strenthen them. Reach out to others in friendship and be sensitive to those who may be reaching out to you. Don't underestimate the value of a smile, laughter, a handshake, an arm around a shoulder, a clap on the back, an embrace. Celebrate and nurture the good you find in others.

Seek and find outlets for your creative gifts. Write, compose, construct, consult, counsel, draw, photograph, design, play, compete, paint, contribute, teach, instruct, lead, learn, follow, organize, produce, bake, make, craft, install, improve, perform, collaborate and direct. Believe that you have many things to contribute to your world and to this planet. Discover and do them.

Be generous with your time and means. If you don't want to pay tithing, pay fast offerings and make donations you do feel inspired to make. If you choose to enter into a marriage with a woman, fully disclose your situation to your prospective wife so she can make a fully informed decision.

What advice do you have for family and friends?

If you ask a friend or family member how they're doing, listen to the tone of their voice and notice their facial expressions as you hear their words. Remember this lyric from Lord I Would Follow Thee: "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see." I have been so grateful when family and friends have spent time with me, have touched me, or have embraced me. My advice is that we strive to love one another without condition as our Heavenly Parents and our Savior love us. This love can be expressed in many ways: in the gifts of time, listening, companionship, service and touch.

Hinckley, G.B. (1995, September 23). The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,161-1-11-1,00.html

Swimming Straight

I've tried denial and positive thinking. I've tried Evergreen and online support groups. I've tried coming out and going back in and sleeping on the couch. I've tried coming clean with my Bishop and counseling. I've tried anti-depressants, tranquilizers and sleep meds. I've tried journaling and blogging and watercolors. I've tried basketball, softball and swimming. I've endured suicidal depression and found Christ just sitting in the sunshine.

Slowly I've found what seems to work for me: striving for self-acceptance and steady breathing, family traditions and diverse friendships, exercise and writing, reading and music, pharmaceuticals and prayer. I've also explored alternate definitions, like "plumb" or "loyal" for "true". And the notion that swimming straight involves nothing more than making it 25 yards from one end of the pool to the other.

Processing the Castro

My trip earlier this summer to San Francisco remains vivid in my mind. Perhaps because I've got photos like this one on my screen saver. It's taken me a while to sort through my feelings, and here's what it's sounded like:

It was just a business trip.

It was more than a business trip because I met with a former colleague and his partner and the three of us enjoyed a great dinner together in the Castro.

But it was just a business trip.

No, actually it was a bit like a family reunion. You enjoy being with folks like you that you don't normally see. You might not feel close to all your cousins, but still it's nice to be with your own people from time to time.

Fine. You saw some people you identified with. But that always happens on a business trip. You're with people in your business. It is like a family renion.

But I'm not talking about the business meetings. I'm talking about walking through these busy streets and somehow feeling more accepting of myself and others. I'm talking about walking through the one the gayest areas of the world with a friend and his lover and feeling OK about it. 

Ok. So you had a nice dinner and enjoyed it with a happy couple. But you were there for business. You had your meetings and got on the plane and came home. Nothing all that differernt from all your other business trips.

Look, this isn't a debate. Yes it was a business trip and a great dinner and an eye opening stroll through at part of the city I wouldn't have visited alone. And it was a chance to feel some brotherhood and acceptance.

So you came out to your friend?

No. I could be wrong, but I think it's just understood. We're both Mormon boys. He's been out most of his adult life. For more than 30 of my almost 60 years, I've been closeted and even now I'm only out to some family and some friends. 

And you're not out to him?

You know, I don't really think I have to be. He knows me well enough. He knows I'm a married father who is active in the church. But he also knows I'm comfortable with him. And now he knows I'm comfortable with him and his partner eating dinner in the Castro. That's enough for now. 

You talk a good game. But let's be honest now, if this were really as resolved as you say it is, would you be blogging about it?

Good point. I had to write--well I wanted to write about something and to be honest with you I thought I'd just choose a photo and then see what comes to mind. 

Maybe you were right the first time. Maybe you had to write. Just like you know you know whe you have to pray even when sometimes you don't. And speaking of being honest, it probably wouldn't have hurt if you'd been just a little more candid with your friend.

Question for readers: Do you ever have conversations like this with yourself? 

Climbing to Gain Perspective

I've enjoyed one-on-one time with straight and gay friends hundreds of times over the years--business lunches, runs, hikes, rides. On various Utah mountains I've gained more than altitude. I've seen the world around and below me in greater perspective, and sometimes, particularly with lyrics like these in my earbuds, I've wished that I could tell a few of those close friends how much they mean to me, without confessing that, "Yeah, I've got Judy Garland and Rufus Wainwright concerts on the iPod."

Alone together, beyond the crowd
Above the world
We're not too proud to cling together
We're strong as long as we're together

But then I end up using straight-guy language. The unambiguous language of actions not words. Saying "I like you" with invitations accepted or invitations offered. Saying "I choose to be with you," by showing up and making our way to higher ground together.