Happy and Dark Thoughts

I responded to a Facebook post this morning with this statement: "Sorry to hear you've been feeling lonely and longing for a relationship. Totally agree that it is no fun...Here's something you can try that might open up your thinking. Write the letters A-Z down the left hand side of sheet of paper. Fold it in half. Label the first column happy thoughts and the 2nd column gloomy thoughts. Then try to come up with a word or phrase or even sentence starting with each letter. It's just a way of affirming what you like or long for and also getting the dark stuff out on paper. It's helped me many times. Of course your mileage may vary. But if you give it a try let us know what you think. Hugs and good luck."

Then I decided to take my own advice and here's the list:

a - awesome / awful
b - beauty / bad breath
c - companionship / craziness
d - dependability / discrimination
e - elegance / extreme disorganization
f - funny, fun-loving people / frustration
g - green grass, freshly cut / gangrene, needing amputation
h - hello, people who say hello to you / hell, when it's a hell of a day
i - innovation, cool new stuff / insincerity, fake stuff
j - jelly, jam and buttered toast / junk that's just clutter
k - kin who are kind / kin that don't accept you
l - love, especially the unconditional kind  / leaders who are abusive
m - men who are kind and caring / men who are jerks
n - nature that nurtures, a sunny day / nature that kills, a tornado
o - opportunities that lift / oppression that crushes
p - pretty stuff, see beauty above / petty people who piss you off
q - quality that counts / quality that's just an empty word
r - recreation with loved ones and friends / rejection
s - security / stupidity
t - trust and trees / too tired, the state of being
u - understanding / underfunding
v - victory, when you get a great win / valentines, never received
w - wonderful moments, fresh and remembered / wonderbread, stale
x - marking the spot of a treasure / when you didn't want it to end
y - you make me feel so young, Sinatra / yikes, Scoobee-Doo
z - zoos and z's, snoozing / z's not enough, as in sleep deprivation

Do I feel better? Somewhat. I thought of some positives I wouldn't have otherwise. But the same is true of the negatives. On balance, though, a good exercise in counting blessings and exploring reality. I guess another things that works about this for me is finding connections. It's easy to be black and white and just find opposites. There's a place for that. But it's also great just to riff and have fun with it.

He didn't scream at me.

my stepdad didn't scream at me as a teenager
he saved his drunken outbursts for my mom
one night I considered bashing
in his skull with a hammer

I left home after high school
not to go on a mission but to escape him
after I got married, he got in to AA
got his 25 year pin

25 years of sobriety
then 26, 27, 28
I held his hand on his death bed
slowly we'd become friends over the decades

he was a dry drunk for a
long time but eventually mellowed
he even wrote some nice stuff about
me, my wife, our kids

I haven't written about
his abuse until now, but with
your story as a prompt, Chad
today I have started

It's You I Like

Again Vic has inspired me. This time in his Gay Gospel Doctrine Class posting today. His take on God's unconditional love for all of his children reminded me of this Fred Rogers song:

It's you I like.
It's not the things you wear.
It's not the way you do your hair,
but it's you I like.
The way you are right now.
The way down deep inside you.
Not the things that hide you.
Not your toys.
They're just beside you.

But it's you I like.
Every part of you.
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings,
whether old or new.
I hope that you'll remember
even when you're feeling blue,
that it's you I like.
It's you yourself.
It's you.
It's you I like.

So the takeaway for me is that thanks to God's unconditional love for all of us, we all have multiple opportunities--I have multiple opportunities--to feel his love for me and for others. If I know I am fully loved for who I am right now; and if I know that unconditional acceptance and love is in place right now for all of us on this planet; I can feel less critical, I can love myself, others and God with greater depth and understanding.

And if not, I can at least listen to Mr. Rogers and remember that I have felt this love before and it is possible to feel it again. The problem isn't in God's always beaming sunshine, but in my own cloudy days and nights of darkness when I fail to remember that dawn is only a few hours away, that blue skies will eventually prevail. God loves us, no matter what.

Alone but not Lonely

(Gay) Mormon Guy's post about Fitting In prompted me to write the following. I figured I might as well share it here and ask for your thoughts and insights.


Hey MG, 

First of all since I don't know your name, I hope you're OK with MG as nick name. If not let me know and I'll abide by your wishes.

Second, I relate to your post. Even when I am among friends and family, I sometimes feel the same as you, like I don't fit it. So here's the little talk I sometimes have with myself. "You are unique. You are one of a kind. Even if you had an exact twin, your spirits would be different. Enjoy the difference, but also be aware of how much we share. All of us on this planet are brothers and sisters. We are all subject to hunger, thirst, fatigue and loneliness. None of us is exempt, but no matter what our situation at any given moment, we have opportunities to respond, not just to react, but to draw upon our God-given talents and abilities and feel the connection we share with the other mere mortals in our proximity." 

Third, do I always do this? Of course not. It is an ideal. But it is worth striving for. Some people may characterize this approach as "fake it until you make it" but that's not what I'm advocating. I'm saying that sharing our authentic and sometimes vulnerable feelings can sometimes help another person and ourselves feel more at ease, more accepted.

Fourth, at this moment I am sitting in a darkened room. A small amount of light is glowing from my laptop screen. The other light is from the Christmas lights hanging outside my windows. I've opened all the blinds so I can see the snowstorm. I am alone, but I don't feel lonely because I know you'll be reading this message later, and although we've never met I consider you a friend. 

Fifth, I know that conditions outside are cold and dangerous, but I choose to see the beauty. The room would be warmer if I closed the blinds, but then I'd miss the beauty of the storm. I hope this finds you warm and happy. I hope it will brighten your outlook in someway and I hope you will know and feel that you are not alone.


(End of Message to MG)


So what do you think? How do you deal with fitting in or not fitting in? How do you feel when you're inside and you know that snow is softly falling outside?

Suicidal Thoughts - Conclusion

An edited transcription of journal entries, 2001-2003.


June 10 - Finally got into the Nurse Practitioner my counselor recommended. In addition to the Celexa I've been taking, she's started me on Wellburtrin. Watched some of the Tom Hanks's movie Philadelphia last night. The character he played, based on a real life lawyer, kept fighting against his former employer and against his disease of AIDS. He endured to the end. It has been a good day, overall, a few tough moments, but overall a day as a Sunday should be, time with loved ones, time to find some renewal for the week ahead.


June 11 - Feeling a little panicky. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm glad to be alive. 


June 18 - Followed the plan to double my Wellbutrin to 200 milligrams a day. Still having a lot of ringing in my ears, but it comes and goes. On a scale of 1-to-10 I'd say my mood is up to about a 4. But given that it's been a 2 or 3 for most of last month, I'm glad for the progress. Yesterday was Father's Day, it was a pretty good day with some uplifting thoughts at church and from the fam.


June 25 - I'm still doing about the same but better in some ways. I'm learning about myself. What have I learned? Probably that I'm tougher than I thought I was. I'm learning just to live with whatever this down stuff is and there's the paradox, when I am just accepting of it and not trying to fight it, I seem to do better. Last Sunday I took a nap for a few minutes and when I woke up I felt "normal" for a while. I think the medication is helping.


July 6 - I want to let go, yet I want to hold on. I agree with the idea that suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem, but it's not really an answer. Still I want to let go. But I don't want to harm innocent people, my children, my wife, my family, my friends. I want to again be a basically hopeful person. 


Sept 11 - Our nation was attacked in New York and Washington, D.C. This is awful but I can see that I personally have a lot to be thankful for. 


Nov 22 - Thanksgiving. Mood is much, much better. I've found an anchor in the work of Dr. David Burns and his book Feeling Good about cognitive behavior therapy. I'm doing better physically, socially, even spiritually. I've learned that my thoughts have so much to do with my moods and that irrational thoughts, though the seem true, can cause depression and physical symptoms. We are what we think. Sounds simple. But it's pretty powerful. I've found affirmations that I can say and usually believe: I am healthy and strong. I can handle my responsibilities. I am a loving and caring parent. I'm a decent husband. I'm a capable man. 


Dec 31 - Wow the last day of one of the toughest years I can remember. I lost so much self-esteem and hope, but for the last couple of months I've done much, much better. Of course I need to continue make progress and plan to do so in 2002, the year of the Salt Lake Olympics.



March 3, 2002 - Journaling didn't save me all by itself, but it was a contributing factor. Same is true of prayer, therapy, Wellbutrin, exercise and a certain fear and lack of courage ((to actually try to kill myself)). I have left more than a trace. I have documented my journey, at least some of it. What have I learned? Things I already "knew" but now have a testimony of. The need for balance, for telling the truth, especially to myself, how much I need others, but how much more so I need to be able to LIVE with myself and my decisions. 


July 6, 2002 - I am grateful for improvements. What a gift it is to be reasonably happy and hopeful. I can remember how last July 4, I sincerely believed I could never be happy again, and that whatever it took to be happy, I had permanently lost. I'm so glad I held on. I didn't realize how irrationally discouraged I really was. Well it took a long time but I have slowly improved. I'm grateful that I have had such good support from family and friends, and that I sought a multi-dimensional approach of biblio-therapy, counseling, meds, exercise and physical and emotional work.


April 25, 2003 - Now with the perspective of time I can say that the greatest loss, the greatest evil I have faced is the loss of hope. Amazingly when I wrote I almost always felt better even when I was writing about how discouraged I was. I made more sense to myself on paper than I did in my jangling mind. I'm grateful that somehow I had the wherewithal to seek to record my thoughts.



Post Script - November 11, 2010 - Thank you for hanging in there with me through this series entries. I appreciate the comments I've already received and look forward to hearing more. I welcome your insights and hope that despite the seemingly negative title of these blogs, that you have found some added insight and hope for the challenges you may face.


Post Post Script - September 5, 2011 - I've found and posted the full text from the 1990 newspaper article that I mentioned in an earlier entry. It's hard to find the archival version and the links change, so I just decided to make the full text part of my blog. Here's the link. 


http://moho50.blogspot.com/2011/09/newspaper-article-that-changed-my-life.html


Also check out the comments section.

Return to Part 1

Suicidal Thoughts - Part 2

An edited transcription of journal entries, circa 2001.

April 28 – I am grateful for my family and pray that I will again be able to learn and grow. I have made many mistakes. I have been harsh and demanding. As AA advises I need to make a searching and fearless moral inventory. I have begun this night. I also wish to place in writing that I will try to forgive everyone. I’ve wanted to blame others for my failings. I have blamed others. I wish to forgive and forget. I seek to wipe the slate clean, to move forward.

April 30 – Back in January I had an idea for a screenplay. I was pretty full of myself back then. Better to be here and trying to recover than living in some dream world. I’m grateful for family and friends. And friends who feel like family. I don’t have to have an unobstructed view of the mountain to appreciate its beauty. I can see the evening sun on the mountain peaks. God gives us so much, the gift of being ourselves, and sometimes he gives us mysterious gifts we don’t understand.

May 1 – I have so much to live for but I feel empty and of little worth and discouraged. I have felt these feelings before. I have been through bleak times, but I have survived, I have not given in. Still having tremendous difficulty eating, thinking clearly.

May 6 – I will continue to fight for encouragement and making a valuable contribution.

May 11 – Forgot to take my meds last night. Troubling. Didn’t sleep well. Called in sick. Called my counselor. Called my doctor. Felt pretty desperate. Took a nap. After failing to get through to anyone, at about 11:30 I worked up my courage to call 1-800-SUICIDE. The kind woman on the line helped me understand and sort through several things. She helped me gauge in the intensity of my feelings. She asked, “Do you have a gun now or have you take drugs?” I said no. She asked if I planned to do anything today. I said no. I told her I couldn’t get through to my doc or counselor, that food tasted awful and I was losing weight and couldn’t sleep well, and knew these were signs of depression. She said helped me see that although I was troubled, and feeling panic, I was not in eminent danger.

Finally got a call back from my counselor. “Satan has the power to discourage us, but exercise faith and move forward. We have the power to crush the serpent’s head. Remember Paul, we are troubled on every side but not perplexed. Keeping moving forward in faith.”

May 13 – I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. I have tried to be calm and have succeeded, it is just that on the inside I feel so hopeless and guilty. I know I have been the cause of so many problems and unhappiness. There is a wise part of me that says hang in there you can beat this. There is another part of me that says everyone would ultimately be better off if you were gone. That seems so stupid when I write it down, but the thing is that right now it seems true. If only I hadn’t read that newspaper article about Evergreen. If only I had been able to carry the secret to my grave. If only Evergreen had worked better. I don’t know how to sort it out anymore. It gave me great hope. Perhaps too much hope.

May 24 – Saw my counselor. He recommended a nurse practitioner who can evaluate my meds. The rapport I used to have with this man is all but gone. I left his office smiling, but it was a phony smile. Maybe this woman who can prescribe meds will be more helpful.

May 25 – Did a great deal of throwing things away at the office today. Am getting more organized. If I’m not going to be there at least I can leave it clean. 

Continue to Part 3

Suicidal Thoughts

An edited transcription of journal entries

January 6 – Bishop and I just finished an interview. He will recommend that I be ordained a High Priest. He said I once taught him that when you can’t express a thought in the spoken word, you can write it and then burn it and let the smoke carry it away. I don’t remember telling him that. Maybe it was something I suggested in a quorum discussion long ago.


February 11 – Stake Conference. Faith and delight in keeping the commandments. Angels to bear you up. Seeking the one in need. Miracles do happen. God wants all to have love and happiness. Give up all your sins to know God. Many ways to sin. Watch yourselves, your thoughts, words and deeds. Remember and perish not. Keep commandments always. Never vary from them.


March 8 – Melancholia, depression, the blues have been called many things of the centuries. I write now because this awful guest is visiting and I don’t want him hanging around. He is boorish and robs my energy and goodness. Get thee hence, darkness. Have I brought this on myself or is it just something that comes along like bad weather. I’m unusually quiet, fidgety, and impatient. People who are perfectly patient and never complain when in pain are amazing. I'm not one of them.


April 9 – I don’t feel “normal” and I wish I could get better. I guess I’m always looking outside myself, thinking that I will find “the answer” out there somewhere. But the wise, ancient part of me knows that there really isn’t any one answer. There are approaches. Balance to be sought. Ideals to strive for. Why can't just visualizing the ideal be enough to bring some relief? I don’t have to be happy all the time, but a few moments here and there would be nice. Silence doesn’t have to be empty or lonely, but it is right now. I have sought both old and new friends. It is a labor. I can only sing certain songs and my songs are not always what they seem. If I can’t accept myself, how can I expect anyone else to?

Continue to Part 2

Dolls and Darkrooms

Here's my earlier post on this subject 

using same great painting by 

Steve Walker.

As a little boy I didn’t worry what people thought. I liked dolls, purses, makeup, jewelry, sewing and photography. Later I learned that real boys don’t like dolls, purses, makeup and jewelry. I knew that I was a real boy, but I didn’t like the things real boys liked, except photography. So I hid those parts from others and eventually from myself. As a teenager I spent a lot of time processing film and photos in a darkroom. In some ways I’ve lived most of my life in a darkroom.

Now I’m a young senior citizen. More than half of my life is behind me. I’ve hidden from myself and others for so long that I sometimes wonder if I can ever let the real me show. Does he even exist or did I kill him just as surely as if I had driven my VW Beetle into the family garage and closed the door with the engine running. 

A few minutes ago an online acquaintance texted me that he’d been burned by people who weren’t honest about who they are. He asked if I used a pseudonym online. I told him yes. He said “I wish you well” and then a little green bright spot on my computer screen lost its color and turned gray. I wanted to tell him, I’m trying to be me. I really am. But I’ve hidden so long that light hurts my eyes, sun burns my skin, sound hurts my ears and I feel like I’m going to melt and sizzle away like a chip of ice on a hot stove.

Then I hear another voice saying, “Oh come on, stop with all the drama and angst already. You’re a grown up man. Act like one. Get on with your life. Quit living in the past. Stop the pity party. Get over yourself. Life is tough, then you die. Besides, why would our Father in Heaven do that to anyone?"

Then I hear a kinder voice saying, “You really are OK just the way you are. And you are multi-faceted. That’s OK. Diamonds are like that, too.”

The Morning Breaks

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” –Romans 8:38-39

I love the idea that God's love is always there operating in our lives even when we don't realize it, just as the sun is always shining even though we can't always see it.

Darkness and dawn

Am I broken, discouraged and sick or just tired?

Have I failed, fallen and crashed or just paused?

Will I ever again feel hope, happiness and love, or just numbness?

Can I hold on, hold out and hold fast, or just let go?

Does this darkness give way to dawn, or only grow darker?

Am I destined to learn, grow and change, or I am damned?

Have I given up, given in and given out, or am I still gaining?

Will this winter give way to spring and summer, or will this month be my last?

Can I make it through this hour, this night, the day ahead, or just stop trying?

Does prayer still calm my heart and mind, or are my words empty?

Am I strong, healthy and sure, or weak, ill and unsteady?

Have I been blessed by adversity or have I become damaged goods?

Will I allow peace into my heart, or is it so broken that it won't hold anything?

Can the warmth of a remembered embrace nurture me still?

Do I doubt my beliefs and believe my doubts?

Or do I know beyond belief that there is purpose and redemption?

That I can follow, forgive and be forgiven?

That my heart still beats, that my breath still brings oxygen to brain and muscle.

That my fingers still move and e ven witgh eyes closed they can find the keys. That words will fall from my hands as easily as prayers ascend to heaven. That my ears can still hear. I can hear the clock in the kitchen, the murmur of television down the hallway and around the corner. I know that these words could be published in seconds or minutes or not at all. The choice is mine. I still know that my life means something, that I make a difference and that I am not finished. That dawn follows the darkness, that long winter nights have already given way to longer days. That I am no longer greeted by darkness as I leave work. That there was some sunshine and blue sky today. That today I did go to work and even got a few things done. That I have smiled and laughed with loved ones this very hour, this day, over the weekend and every day I can remember for a long, long time. It is winter. But hey, the furnace just started. The thermostat sensed that it was time for that system in the basement to get to work.