Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Suicidal Thoughts - Part 3

An edited transcription of journal entries, circa 2001.

May 27 - Sunday - I am slowly but surely discovering again the things that matter most. That being with my wife and children brings a calm reassurance. We all went to church together today and then went for a drive after. I read some news articles today that gave me perspective. One was about a man in his mid-40s who couldn't even remember his age because of his alcoholism. He hadn't seen any of his kids in years. He said he'd been drunk all his life. At least I've done better than that.

May 27 - Memorial Day, mowed the lawn, went to the cemetery with family, read some old journal entries. It's been two months since I started feeling so depressed. I have survived 8 weeks of clinical depression. that's enough. I'm ready to be happy now. If only it were that easy. I've felt so down, hopeless, negative, nauseated. Enough already. I want to snap out of it. I'm ready to regain my sense of humor, my ability to plan and dream, to nurture and give, to quit being so needy.

June 3 - I am continuing to wrestle with discouragement. I thought it might be interesting to list all the negative stuff I'm feeling and explore what some of the positives might be.

discouraged - courage, courageous
afraid - brave
incompetent - competent, confident
inept - capable, able, responsible
ill - healthy well, fit, strong
depressed - realistic, positive
tormented - calm, peaceful
hopeless - hopeful
bored - active, many interests
blah - engaged
guilt ridden - forgiving, forward thinking
judgmental - accepting, understanding
negative - realistic, multifaceted
suicidal - life-affirming
down - not up, just OK
invalid - valid, purposeful


  1. I like your list of the opposites of what you were feeling. Those are great words. I really enjoy your style of writing.

    May I ask, what was the root of your depression at this period in your life? And, ultimately, how did you work your way through? Or, need I be patient and wait for the next part? :)

    Oh, oh. You remember the Duck blog. I hope that is a good thing. I also had the "live honest" blog. So, now you know- Duck, live honest, and this blog author are all the same person. I have gone through stages in my blogging where I just needed a new start. I know I confuse the heck out of many people, but I have done what I have had to do... :)

  2. I didn't realize it at the time, and I'm sure this isn't the only cause, but two things were going on at work. One, my boss was depressed and very negative. Two, a new work associate was frequently negative, angry and confrontational. I think the combination of these two things pushed me over the edge. I allowed both to weaken by self-confidence and eventually I started believing that I wasn't really capable of doing my job or living my life or feeling any happiness. Today, knowing what I know, I think I would have sought help much sooner.

  3. That's what you call the will to fight, which is missing in lots of people today, and yes, sometimes we have to look at others' lives (like you at the drunk) in order to realise how good we have it.

  4. The journaling back then felt so strange. Writing helped, but when I went back and read what I wrote, it also sounded so much happier than I felt. Maybe putting things into words and sentences and comparative lists helped calm my mind and while was writing I was a bit more sane. Hve you ever had that sense that when you're writing your OK and when you're not that's not so good? Thanks for your kind comment.