April 28 – I am grateful for my family and pray that I will again be able to learn and grow. I have made many mistakes. I have been harsh and demanding. As AA advises I need to make a searching and fearless moral inventory. I have begun this night. I also wish to place in writing that I will try to forgive everyone. I’ve wanted to blame others for my failings. I have blamed others. I wish to forgive and forget. I seek to wipe the slate clean, to move forward.
April 30 – Back in January I had an idea for a screenplay. I was pretty full of myself back then. Better to be here and trying to recover than living in some dream world. I’m grateful for family and friends. And friends who feel like family. I don’t have to have an unobstructed view of the mountain to appreciate its beauty. I can see the evening sun on the mountain peaks. God gives us so much, the gift of being ourselves, and sometimes he gives us mysterious gifts we don’t understand.
May 1 – I have so much to live for but I feel empty and of little worth and discouraged. I have felt these feelings before. I have been through bleak times, but I have survived, I have not given in. Still having tremendous difficulty eating, thinking clearly.
May 6 – I will continue to fight for encouragement and making a valuable contribution.
May 11 – Forgot to take my meds last night. Troubling. Didn’t sleep well. Called in sick. Called my counselor. Called my doctor. Felt pretty desperate. Took a nap. After failing to get through to anyone, at about 11:30 I worked up my courage to call 1-800-SUICIDE. The kind woman on the line helped me understand and sort through several things. She helped me gauge in the intensity of my feelings. She asked, “Do you have a gun now or have you take drugs?” I said no. She asked if I planned to do anything today. I said no. I told her I couldn’t get through to my doc or counselor, that food tasted awful and I was losing weight and couldn’t sleep well, and knew these were signs of depression. She said helped me see that although I was troubled, and feeling panic, I was not in eminent danger.
Finally got a call back from my counselor. “Satan has the power to discourage us, but exercise faith and move forward. We have the power to crush the serpent’s head. Remember Paul, we are troubled on every side but not perplexed. Keeping moving forward in faith.”
May 13 – I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. I have tried to be calm and have succeeded, it is just that on the inside I feel so hopeless and guilty. I know I have been the cause of so many problems and unhappiness. There is a wise part of me that says hang in there you can beat this. There is another part of me that says everyone would ultimately be better off if you were gone. That seems so stupid when I write it down, but the thing is that right now it seems true. If only I hadn’t read that newspaper article about Evergreen. If only I had been able to carry the secret to my grave. If only Evergreen had worked better. I don’t know how to sort it out anymore. It gave me great hope. Perhaps too much hope.
May 24 – Saw my counselor. He recommended a nurse practitioner who can evaluate my meds. The rapport I used to have with this man is all but gone. I left his office smiling, but it was a phony smile. Maybe this woman who can prescribe meds will be more helpful.
May 25 – Did a great deal of throwing things away at the office today. Am getting more organized. If I’m not going to be there at least I can leave it clean.
It's always enlightening reading about others' struggles and the like.
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking a look. Strangely even though this happened more than a decade ago, it has now become a source of solace to occasionally read through it.
ReplyDeleteI went through something similar to what you have written here, and oddly, it, too was in 2001. (Maybe there was something about 2001?)
ReplyDeleteYou were brave to keep your journals and a record of what you were feeling. (At that period in time, I was in the middle of some very intensive and painful therapy. I so wanted to not be on the planet anymore that I completely annihilated everything I had ever written, except my missionary journals. I wanted to destroy them, too, but could not bring myself to do that. I am glad I did not. They are a treasure to me, as I know your journals are to you, too.)
Thank you for sharing your feelings and what you have gone through. It is, as BLB wrote, helpful to understand that others also have pain. And, that there are valued and compassionate lessons to learn from them.
Happy night. :)
P.S. LOVE the picture- is it another Steve Walker's? He is SO talented. His art is very moving. I am SO glad you told me about him. That has made such a powerful impact on me. Thank you! I am indebted to you.
Thanks, TBA! I'm glad we both made it through. I'd better post part three cause that's the good stuff and less dire, too. ;)
ReplyDeletehmmm, TBA almost sounds like Tabitha. How do you feel about that as a term of affection?
Thank you for asking me about the potential name "Tabatha". Sadly, it does not work for me, but thank you anyway. (I am not associated, in any way, with the Betwitched show or any of its players.) I do not mind if you call me Duck. I have used that moniker on a previous blog. Would that be OK? ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd, thank you for saying you are glad we both made it through. It can be scary, standing on the precipice of life. I have said often that being on THIS side of the suffering is more joyful, peaceful, and happier than I could ever have imagined. Thank the Heavens for my gifted therapist who helped pull me off the precipice, and thank the Heavens for Heaven who helped me heal.
Do you need a very stale joke to get you through the night? (Please remember that I teach Jr. High.) What did one germ say to the other germ when they broke up? "You make me sick!"
Happy night. And, I await part three of your series. :)
Duck, I remember the Duck blog. That's so cool. I smiled at your germ joke and part three is posted. Thanks for the encouragement and happy Thursday.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I do not know if your real name is Ned?
ReplyDeleteI have only known one other Ned in my life. When I was a college student, at Weber State, in northern Utah, I dated a fellow named Ned. He was an avid motorcyclist and had a horrific accident at the sand-dunes, leaving him partially paralyzed.
By the time I met him, through his physical therapy, he had made great strides (no pun intended) and was no longer suffering from the paralysis. He still had many remnants of the accident affecting his life.
But, he was a very nice man, and, as I recall, a very GOOD kisser- it must be the name? :)
Duck, I'm sorry but Ned is no more my actual name than is Duck or Beck. But your comment about kissing reminded me of a song from my youth and the cover version that Cher did a few decades ago:
ReplyDeleteDoes he love me?
I wanna know!
How can I tell if he loves me so?
(Is it in his eyes?)
Oh no! You need to see!
(Is it in his eyes?)
Oh no! You make believe!
If you wanna know
If he loves you so
Its in his kiss!
(That's where it is!)
(Oh yeah! Or is it in his face?)
Oh no! It's just his charms!
(In his warm embrace?)
Oh no! That's just his arms!
If you wanna know
If he loves you so
It's in his kiss!
(That's where it is!)
Oh,ooh, oh! Its in his kiss!
(That's where it is!)
Oh, oh, oh, hug him!
Squeeze him tight!
Find out what you wanna know!
If it's love, if it really is,
It's there in his kiss!
(How 'bout the way he acts?)
Oh no! That's not the way!
You're not listenin' to all I'm sayin'!
If you wanna know
If he loves you so
It's in his kiss!
(That's where it is!)
Oh, ooh, oh! Its in his kiss!
(That's where it is!)
Oh, oh, oh, hug him!
Squeeze him tight!
Find out what you wanna know!
If it's love, if it really is,
It's there in his kiss!
(How 'bout the way he acts?)
Oh no! That's not the way!
You're not listenin' to all I'm sayin'!
If you wanna know
If he loves you so
It's in his kiss!
(That's where it is!)
Oh, ooh, oh! Its in his kiss!
(That's where it is!)
Oh, yeah! Its in his kiss!
(It's in his hiss, that's where it is!)
ooh! It's in his kiss!
(It's in his kiss, that's where it is!)
So now I'm all nostalgic about kissing. Maybe that's good. Thanks, Duck
Ned, also a very GOOD kisser, or so I've been told ;D
Thank you, Ned. I loved the Cher song- I have heard it MANY times and think it tells the truth.
ReplyDeleteI knew you had to be a good kisser. :)
And, how did you choose "ned" for your name? I chose Duck because when I was a little squirt, my dad was working on his Doctorate at the University of Oregon, so I became an Oregon Duck. I had my own little duck t-shirt- I would sneak out in the middle of the night (I was 4) so I could put it on. When my mom came in the next morning(s), she always wondered from where the shirt had come. :)
And, then, later in life, I lived in England for a number of years. Like Oregon, it rained a LOT in England. I was as happy as a duck in mud whenever it rained, so it only seemed natural I would choose Duck- I love the rain and I love my Oregon Ducks. :)
I really enjoyed your many-part series on suicidal thoughts. Thank you. What is your next series on? ;)
Happy night!
(My word verification for this comment was "comical"! The universe is in sync!)