Saturday, February 27, 2010

Inexplicable Tears

You can coverup brown eyes with blue or even green contacts. I've never tried it, but sometimes I've wanted to. I'm right handed but sometimes I try to write with my left hand. It makes me feel like a kid again. Not a happy kid, but a kid I can identify with. Why should it matter to me that someone I don't even know keeps deleting people from his phone and his Facebook accounts. That shouldn't bug me, should it? But it does.

I feel close to God when I pray. I sometimes feel close to God when others pray. I usually can be found attending church on Sundays, but that doesn't mean I believe everything I'm hearing. I was suicidal almost a decade ago and I've made progress in getting much healthier mentally and physically, but lately I think that I'm not going to do anything to cause myself to die an early death, but hey, if I end up in a fatal accident or with some terminal illness and if I died sooner rather than later, well that would be OK. Maybe I'd get to meet Stuart of some other people I miss.

Sometimes I get down on myself for all the meds I take. Do I really need all this stuff? But wow, if I go a few days without taking my antidepressants, I definitely notice my mood darkening. I don't think I've ever been this honest in any of my earlier blog entries. I pride myself on having something positive to say. But maybe that's sometimes like wearing blue contacts when you've really got brown eyes.

I've got so much to be grateful for. I really do. I'm sitting here using all ten fingers to type with for crying out loud. Yes, my feet and toes are cold, but I've got both feet and five toes on each foot. The truth is I can't see very well without my glasses, but sometimes it's nice just to take them off and let the world be blurry. It's really cool that I can blog and that I have a few friends and acquaintences who read this. I'm glad for the contact.

Four of you I've actually met face-to-face. I'm grateful for that. You've seen me. You've seen the thinning hair and the thick glasses and it didn't seem to matter to you. I'm glad I'm not invisible. I've also chatted on line with some of you that I haven't met. I've seen your faces in pictures but you haven't seen mine, and yet still we've had some pretty good talks, haven't we? I guess it's silly to think about people deleting people. Only God and murderers do that. Just because someone deletes a name doesn't mean a person has been deleted. I guess I needed to talk through that to make myself feel better.

For some reason right now I have tears in my eyes. It's not like I'm sobbing or anything. I'm not sure if these are tears of sadness or gratitude. Maybe both. I don't taste my tears often enough to know what they taste like. It always surprises me that they're not as salty as I imagine them to be.

I don't mind all that much that it's cold and dark outside. I got outside into the sunshine several times in the course my day today. I expect to see the sun again tomorrow and I'll go to church and I'll feel the spirit, not necessarily because of what's said, but because the music is someething I grew up with and be with people who are trying, for the most part, to be kind.