Thursday, April 22, 2010

One night stands

They happen with gay and straight people. They happen with the young and old and those in between. They sometimes involve sex. But not always. Yes, I've had one night stands that weren't sexual at all. Here are a few of them.
  • Neighbor friend and I go for a bike ride. Nothing bad happens. I expect we'll go again. But I never ask and neither does the neighbor. We see each other at church. We even chat. But no bike rides are scheduled.
  • Different neighbor friend has a cabin. His son and my son are the same age and buddies. My son and I are invited to the cabin. Nothing bad happens. I expect to be invited again sometime. My son and his son go to the cabin mutliple times particularly after they both get their drivers licenses. I see my friend at church. We chat. Eventually I out and out say, "If you ever need any help up at your cabin, just let me know, I'd love to lend a hand." Never again am I invited to the cabin. We continue to see each other at church. We chat. I can't bring myself to ask him, what happened, how come I never got invited back?
  • College buddy invites me to go skiing. We have a good time. At least I think so. Nothing bad happens. But I don't ever again invite him to go skiing. He doesn't ever again invite me to go skiing. Eventually we lose track of each other, but sometimes when it snows, I think of him and wonder what happened. The I tell myself, you can't hold on to every friendship and aqauintance.
  • Yet another neighbor and I go for yet a different bike ride. Nothing bad happens. We both say we'll go again sometime, but I never invite him and he never invites me. We see each other at church. We even chat. But no bike rides are scheduled.
Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Other times I know it's because I'm gay and they're straight and their gaydar goes off and they back away. Then I say, no, that's not it. Just because I'm still kind of homophobic doesn't mean they are. Then I remember that in three of the four cases above, I didn't do anything to try to advance the friendship. Sometimes I'm too judgemental though. I read about guys who have sex or something close to it with other guys, and then when the relationship stalls I can hear myself judgementally saying, "Well if you hadn't had sex, you'd still be friends." But the point is, sometimes there's just not enough energy in a relationship to carry it forward. Maybe it's nobody's fault. Maybe it just is. At least that's what I tell myself on beautiful spring days when I think about bike rides and trips to cabins.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again

Disclaimer: I am not leaving, but one of our fellow bloggers is and here's a re-post of what I just wrote to him:

Will you be leaving your blog up or do I need to go in and quickly read the whole thing tonight after work? Sorry to hear you're leaving, but I hope you will leave the blog up for those of us who have just discovered you. Thanks also for your friendship on Facebook. I'm glad there's a way to still be in touch.

As to your comment "I think my outlook has stepped outside the bounds of what is allowed in the MoHo community", I was not aware that we had any particularly hard and fast rules about what is and isn't allowed.

To the contrary, I thought one of our great strengths was our diversity of view points from true believing to pragmatic and discriminating cafeteria-ists, to the cultural heritagists, to the less active, inactive, excommunicated, agnonistic, athestic, etc.

What we all have in common is not so much our entire belief system, per se, but the fact that our lives are in thousands of ways shaped by our Mormonism and our gayness, bisexuality, same gender attracted genetic structure, or simply our desire to read and weep or giggle about expose's on Journey into Manhood Weekends.

So I guess what I'm doing is what you were trying to do with your friend and that is extend your welcome, rewnew your subscription, affirm your belonging, express gratitute for what you've contributed and encourage you to lurk rather than completely withdraw.

Or to put it in more personal terms, some of us are really, really needy and we'll miss you more than we want to admit.

That said, of course I respect your decision to do what you beleive is best for you. Thanks for hearing me out. Good luck and may you continue to be blessed and bless those many others who your life touches.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Rules: The Bad, the OK, and the Wished For

April Theme: The Rules

Old rules that should continue to die - "the bad"
  • If you're gay, do all you can to hide it.
  • If you can't be heterosexual, fake it until you make it.
  • If you marry a woman, the gay will go a way.
  • If you marry a woman and the gay doesn't go a way, then it's somebody's fault.
  • You would be better off dead than gay.
  • All touch is sexual, so don't touch anyone but your spouse.
Existing rules that do apply - "the OK"
  • If you are suicidally depressed, get professional help.
  • If you marry someone and have children, make them a high priority.
  • Care for yourself so you'll be able to care for your loved ones.
New rules? - "the wished-for"
  • Not all touch is sexual. It is OK to touch others in appropriate ways.
  • Married men, whether straight or gay, can benefit from a variety of male/male friendships.
  • Marriage between a man and a woman is the heterosexual ideal, however marriage between persons of the same sex is appropriate for gay people.
  • Same sex marriage is legal throughout the United States. This law is not only good for gays, it is good for society in general.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Monson lovingly jokes about male-on-male kiss

How delightful that in his first conference talk this morning, President Monson went off script to talk about his first meeting with his parents-in-law who joined the church thanks to his grand uncle's missionary efforts. He told how his prospective father-in-law showed him an old photograph of the missionaries, then wept and then kissed him on the cheek. He then ad-libbed something like, "Even before our first date," which was met with laughter from the audience. What a delightful and unintentionally Moho-friendly thing to have said.