Monday, February 1, 2010

Darkness and dawn

Am I broken, discouraged and sick or just tired?
Have I failed, fallen and crashed or just paused?
Will I ever again feel hope, happiness and love, or just numbness?
Can I hold on, hold out and hold fast, or just let go?
Does this darkness give way to dawn, or only grow darker?
Am I destined to learn, grow and change, or I am damned?
Have I given up, given in and given out, or am I still gaining?
Will this winter give way to spring and summer, or will this month be my last?
Can I make it through this hour, this night, the day ahead, or just stop trying?
Does prayer still calm my heart and mind, or are my words empty?
Am I strong, healthy and sure, or weak, ill and unsteady?
Have I been blessed by adversity or have I become damaged goods?
Will I allow peace into my heart, or is it so broken that it won't hold anything?
Can the warmth of a remembered embrace nurture me still?
Do I doubt my beliefs and believe my doubts?
Or do I know beyond belief that there is purpose and redemption?
That I can follow, forgive and be forgiven?
That my heart still beats, that my breath still brings oxygen to brain and muscle.
That my fingers still move and e ven witgh eyes closed they can find the keys. That words will fall from my hands as easily as prayers ascend to heaven. That my ears can still hear. I can hear the clock in the kitchen, the murmur of television down the hallway and around the corner. I know that these words could be published in seconds or minutes or not at all. The choice is mine. I still know that my life means something, that I make a difference and that I am not finished. That dawn follows the darkness, that long winter nights have already given way to longer days. That I am no longer greeted by darkness as I leave work. That there was some sunshine and blue sky today. That today I did go to work and even got a few things done. That I have smiled and laughed with loved ones this very hour, this day, over the weekend and every day I can remember for a long, long time. It is winter. But hey, the furnace just started. The thermostat sensed that it was time for that system in the basement to get to work.