Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Suicidal Thoughts - Part 3

An edited transcription of journal entries, circa 2001.

May 27 - Sunday - I am slowly but surely discovering again the things that matter most. That being with my wife and children brings a calm reassurance. We all went to church together today and then went for a drive after. I read some news articles today that gave me perspective. One was about a man in his mid-40s who couldn't even remember his age because of his alcoholism. He hadn't seen any of his kids in years. He said he'd been drunk all his life. At least I've done better than that.

May 27 - Memorial Day, mowed the lawn, went to the cemetery with family, read some old journal entries. It's been two months since I started feeling so depressed. I have survived 8 weeks of clinical depression. that's enough. I'm ready to be happy now. If only it were that easy. I've felt so down, hopeless, negative, nauseated. Enough already. I want to snap out of it. I'm ready to regain my sense of humor, my ability to plan and dream, to nurture and give, to quit being so needy.

June 3 - I am continuing to wrestle with discouragement. I thought it might be interesting to list all the negative stuff I'm feeling and explore what some of the positives might be.

discouraged - courage, courageous
afraid - brave
incompetent - competent, confident
inept - capable, able, responsible
ill - healthy well, fit, strong
depressed - realistic, positive
tormented - calm, peaceful
hopeless - hopeful
bored - active, many interests
blah - engaged
guilt ridden - forgiving, forward thinking
judgmental - accepting, understanding
negative - realistic, multifaceted
suicidal - life-affirming
down - not up, just OK
invalid - valid, purposeful