Saturday, September 22, 2012

Trust Limerick

Loving others requires some trust
You don't want to be left in the dust
I want to embrace
The beauty I face
So accepting myself is a must

It's been such a beautiful day, I wish I could cap it off with a beautiful, or at least a whimsical limerick, and there is a tiny bit of whimsy in the above. A pinch perhaps. I think I do better writing first thing in the morning rather than deep into the evening. Nonetheless, I'm glad for this first official day of fall. 

Friday, September 21, 2012

bi author's limerick

I love my sisters and my brothers
'Cuz I've got choices, I've got druthers
Both loves helps me fly
And somehow get by
I'll credit both on my book covers

A previous comment mentioned the catch 22 of bisexuality, that no matter which gender you're loving, there's always angst for the other. I don't deny that reality, but the upside is that there are more people to love and be loved by, if not in fact then at least in possibility.

Now about the author stuff. What's the difference between an unpublished author and a published one? I don't think it's quite as stark as the difference between on and off. I think it's more like the difference between caterpillar and butterfly. (Thank you, Carol Lynn Pearson!) It's a matter of progression. Easy for me to say as I go to work at my day job. Ok, enough of all this positive Friday morning thinking.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

A man crush limerick

When I feel his touch I love it much
But is it a crutch to crave this such?
I tell myself no
I will not let go
And thank God so much for my man crush

So here's a good reason to get up and get going on my day even though I dread some of the obstacles I'll face. Get up, get going, I tell myself, because you never know what small wonders any given day might bring. One of those small miracles came my way just yesterday. I was with my good friend and there was conversation, laughter, warmth, trust and even a bit of physical touch. It doesn't happen everyday, but when it does it is still magical to me, even after all these years.

Monday, September 17, 2012

limerick of lonliness

I'm fully awake but feel quite slow
If I let myself the tears would flow
I'm not feeling grand
Please give me a hand
With your touch I'll recover I know

I wrote that this morning and writing it somehow helped me buck up a bit. I'd say my day started as a D+ and ended at a B+. Going to church helped. Having one of my high priest buddies put his arm around me helped. It was the touch I needed. And being with the grandkids helped, too.

How do you cope with the challenges of being gay or bi in a straight world? Of not being straight in the culture of Mormonism?

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

to love or to be loved

If you could either be loved or love someone, but not both, which would you choose?

I related to this post because I tend to have crushes on straight guys who will never love me the way I love them. But in my case that's a blessing since I am a bisexual man married to a woman. 

Sometimes life seems like Send in the Clowns. My wife loved me in a way I couldn't fully love her in return. I have loved some straight men who can't fully love me. But I tell myself I am blessed to have love in my life. I am blessed to be able to love both men and women. And sometimes I believe it.

Send in the Clowns
by Stephen Sondheim

Isn't it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.
Send in the clowns.

Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move.
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.

Just when I'd stopped
Opening doors,
Finally knowing
The one that I wanted was yours,
Making my entrance again
With my usual flair,
Sure of my lines,
No one is there.

Don't you love farce?
My fault, I fear.
I thought that you'd want what I want -
Sorry, my dear.
But where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
Quick, send in the clowns.

What a surprise.
Who could foresee
I'd come to feel about you
What you'd felt about me?
Why only now when i see
That you'd drifted away?
What a surprise.
What a cliché.

Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late
In my career?
And where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don't bother - they're here.

Monday, September 10, 2012

from seriously depressed to feeling good

Over at  Gay Sacramento Mormon Guy is unhappy enough to have tried to end his life. I remember feeling about that a decade ago. Here's what I wrote to him. I hope it gives him some perspective. I hope it gives you some perspective...

When I was suicidal I found a helpful book. It was so helpful I wrote this review of it on Amazon. I hope it can help you, too.

This review is from: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (Mass Market Paperback)

I'd seen this book before. I'd browsed through it back in 1991 and didn't find anything profound, but I wasn't seriously depressed at the time either. In June 2001 it was a different story. I'd been feeling suicidal since April. I was away from home on business and considered ending it all in a Minneapolis hotel room, but didn't want my wife have the hassle of shipping my body 1,000 miles back home.
I forced myself to take a walk and saw "Feeling Good" in a nearby bookstore. "What the hell," I thought, "for less than $10 this is worth a try." Back in my hotel room I took the depression test and scored 64 - severe depression. I read much of the book that night, took the self-test again the next day and scored in the 40s. With a 20 point drop in less than 24 hours, I again had hope. I got home, got counseling, got medication.

Although I was still depressed, it was less severe and I wasn't as suicidal. In July of 2001 I bought "Ten Days to Self Esteem" and went from a depression score of 25 to 17 in ten days of doing the written exercises everyday. It took about 9 months but with exercise, meds, counseling, support from friends and family, and the perspective offered by the events of that September 11, I started getting scores showing very little depression, much less anxiety and better relationships. Burns' approach has been an important part of that process for me.

(The book is still in print and is probably also available in your public library. Heck, I'll mail you my beat up copy I like.)