Thursday, November 12, 2015
Breakfast in the Castro: How Mormon leaders can save face
Me: Good morning to you. Good to see you, too. Sorry it's been so long. I've been kind of a loner, kind of depressed.
Mibes: Me, too, but we'll survive. How bad has it been this time?
Me: To be honest, lousy, but here's something that's cheered me up a bit. I've been thinking about ways our esteemed leaders could get rid of this whole anti-gay policy and save face at the same time.
Mibes: Gallows humor. It is one way to cope. Go ahead.
Me: First there's The Typo Defense.
Mibes: They're going to claim all this trouble is because of a typographical error?
Me: Exactly. The church just says that the word the “immediate” as in “immediate implementation” was a typo. It should have been “possible”, that is “possible implementation” sometime in the future, or not at all.
Mibes: Sure. They wrote a policy they never intended to implement. Just for the fun of it. And you have other ideas like this?
Me: Yeah, I've also got The Twinkie Defense.
Mibes: You're dragging Harvey Milk and his assassin into this?
Me: I think the Mayor of Castro Street, God rest his soul, would actually agree. He'd laugh.
Mibes: I think he'd roll his eyes, but I have a feeling you're going to tell me about this whether or not I want to hear it.
Me: Yeah, the church can use The Twinkie Defense. Members of the the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve have been binging on the new variations of Twinkies. You could even call them restorationist Twinkies.
Mibes: Very funny. Notice how I'm convulsed with laughter. And?
Me: Well these new Twinkies are apparently even more potent than the originals. They're all the rage at 47 East South Temple and all that Twinkie binging caused temporary delusions. The policy changes are entirely invalid and the church leaders are not responsible.
Mibes: A typo or Twinkies?
Me: Oh I've got several more.
Mibes: I'm sure you do.
Me: The Computer Hacker Defense. Computer hackers who wished to attack the church leaked this counterfeit policy to the press, then intercepted subsequent inquires to the PR office and then simulated an interview with Elder Christopherson.
Mibes: Counterfeit. Great word.
Me: I thought you'd appreciate that.
Mibes: So all communications on this issue emanated from the hackers not the church? There were never any real changes to existing church policy? And the hackers are still in charge until the church boots them out and exposes them?
Me: Yes, yes, yes.
Mibes: You've been thinking way too much about this, haven't you?
Me: Much more than I ever wanted to.
Mibes: OK. OK. Now I've got one for you.
Me: I knew you would get into this.
Mibes: The Music Committee Defense. The policy is actually a church music committee proposal that only applies to guitar playing parents who are in same-Fender relationships.
Me: Same-Fender not same-gender. Beautiful. Music not morality.
Mibes: And given the reception and misperception, the policy will be returned to the church music committee for clarification by the electric guitar sub-committee.
Mibes: Yes! How about this one? The Pilot Program Defense.
Mibes: No pilot as in testing an idea. The policy was never intended to apply to the church at large. It was approved only as a pilot program to be implemented in Lark, Utah and Bradshaw City, Arizona and Grub Gultch, California. The pilot program stands and will be immediately implemented but only in those communities.
Me: And you think people will google those cities, do you?
Mibes: Some won't have to. They'll know. You got any more?
Me: Yeah, one more based again on a typo. The policy has nothing whatsoever to do with same-sex marriage, it's about same-sex carriage--when people of the same sex are in a horse-drawn vehicle.
Mibes: Are we done?
Me: Yes. For now.
Mibes: Thanks for breakfast.
Me: Thanks to you.
Mibes: Keep looking for typos.
Me: You, too!
Mibes: What about that depression you mentioned. How's that going? Are you getting getting help? Are you still on your meds? What about counseling? How's your exercise coming along?
Me: Stop with all the questions. I'm OK.
Mibes: That's what you said when you were- -
Me: - -when I was suicidal. Yes. But I'm not now. I'm taking my meds. I'm seeing a new counselor and he's quite good. I'm not as depressed. I can cope better with the anxiety. And yes, I'm exercising.
Mibes: And writing?
Me: And writing. Check my blog. There's a new entry.
Mibes: So how are you really doing?
Me: I'm really doing OK. It's kind of been like a flashback to 2008 or even 1978, but I'm OK. Really.
Mibes: And you'd tell me if you weren't.
Me: Yes. I'd tell you. And I am telling you that even attempted humor does help. And of course having breakfast with you.
Mibes: It cheered me up a bit too. Let's not wait so long next time.
Me: I like that idea.
Mibes: Like I said, the typos. Keep looking for them.
Me: I will. You can count on it.