Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Way Over Yonder

All my grandparents are there. So are a few of my cousins. My dad and each one of his brothers and sisters and their spouses. Not just those aunts and uncles, but my maternal aunt and uncle, too. There are long gone mentors and professors. There are friends I knew fairly well, friends I barely knew, and people who I would like to befriend. 

When I make the journey, I'd like to meet some of the famous members of our club. Guys like Harvey and Stuart and Pyotr. If it were just up to me, the decision might be much easier. I've considered it before, usually just as a fantasy, but once very seriously. Not because I wanted to go, but because staying seemed so painful and pointless. 

I'm glad I resisted the temptation. I'm glad my mental health has improved. But when I read about someone like Todd Ransom and others who sought a way out, I realize I'm still vulnerable. Yes, in someways I'm stronger than I've ever been. I'm healthy, for the most part, and have so much to be thankful for. It has been a beautiful life, a good ride, a wonderful busy day at school. 

And there's more to come. More joy and more pain. More accomplishments and disappointments. More hot sunny days, cold dark winter nights, and those few perfect days we get each spring and fall here in the shadows of the everlasting hills. There are more rides, hikes, swims, fireworks and picnics. More doctor's offices, hospital stays, tears, deaths, funerals, graves and flowers to be placed on graves. There are more hugs and massages. More sunrises, sunsets and wild bells ringing out across the snow. 

I hope to be here. I've made promises I'm going to keep. And I've broken promises, too. Only in my dreams have I slept a summer by his side, but some of my days have been filled with wonder. But I know very well by now that there are dreams that cannot be and there are storms we cannot weather. Sorry to fill a post with so many ripoffs and cliches. 


  1. I really like how poetic this post is. Thank you! And, I really enjoyed the new and different perspective you brought to this recent Mormon-suicide.

    I have been to where you have alluded to also being, in the "same place" as Mr. Ransom. And, I like you, am glad that, for whatever reason, I was able to live through the pain, not commit the suicide, and be on THIS side of the suffering.

    I, like you, feel immeasurable joy and happiness on a daily, if not moment to moment, basis. Yes, there will be pain, and dark days. There will also be happy and painfree times.

    happy night! :)

  2. Thanks for your comments, TBA! Glad you enjoyed my perspective. I guess I don't think of it as new and different because I live with it, but it is a fine affirmation to me that you see it that way. I guess there are quite a few of us who have not only wrestled with being gay and Mormon, but have considered ways to resolve it one way or another including the suicide option. Not a great option, of course, but an option nonetheless. Thanks again for your thoughts. Happy weekend! :)

  3. I thank God that you are still here on this side, keeping the good fight!

    A few years ago, I once felt nothing but dispair. I got to the point where I worked out how I was going to do it. I planned it all out. I convinced myself that my loved ones would be better off without me. I was so frightened of myself. I was so frightened of the consequences of what it meant to my family and loved ones.

    It was only a sense of community, and the support of those loved ones that held it together for me. I thank God for them and for a different plan I'm working on now.

  4. I also started to make plans, but I could not convince myself that my loved ones would be better off without me. I didn't want to leave them with that legacy, but if I had not been able to see hope and eventually regain my mental health, I might have done it anyway. That's how desperate I felt at the time.

    It seemed like my whole life had been a fraud, that I'd never really been happy, that I'd never really accomplished anything, that anything that seemed bright or encouraging was an illusion. I'm so glad that eventually gave way to a more realistic view of the joy and challenges of life.

    I also thank God that you are still here. You have helped many, including me. Thank you, my friend!