As a Mormon bisexual man I live in the "other circumstances" mentioned in The Family: A Proclamation to the World where "Death, disability or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation."
Sunday, July 22, 2012
knowing he cares
I found an old
notebook journal as I was cleaning my room yesterday. It bears out some of the angst and hope expressed in my recent video. Here’s an entry from Sunday, June 16,
I’m sitting on the
front porch now and there is a hauntingly beautiful sunset that has made the
sky a kind of crimson/violet that I don’t think I’ve ever seen before and may
never see again. This is how the days of a child’s life are. They are so
beautiful. They are one moment in time never to be seen again. And yet they are
also as numerous as sunsets and sunrises -- but are we watching ready to savor
how unique these gifts of moments are?Or are we too busy?
Yes, tonight I am
supposed to be writing sales letters. Well they will have to wait until
tomorrow. The wind is blowing. They other night it stormed. I thought of what
Gibran said about storms and how you can feel the power of God in them.
Now neighbors are
beginning to turn lights on and the intensity of that purple is slowly fading.
I must have shivered a couple of dozen times today. It happened when the
priests covered the sacrament table and just now when I thought ofDon.
My feelings for Don are changing.
They’re still very much in the forefront of my mind, and yet there’s a greater
easiness there. There’s an intensity that’s brought on through depth and
solidly knowing he cares, not so much by my admiring him--although I still do
very much--it is now as if I can see him for the man he is, with many good
traits, but not perfect. I’d like to talk with him tonight, but not enough to
call after I know he’s had a long drive home from St. George.
I’m still trying to
deal honestly with my wife. I’m trying to level with her about my frustration
and confusion about her feelings for me. I can’t put aside my faith that things
will work out. But I do long for a resumption of relations, and when I dwell on
that loss it really leaves me feeling down and feeling pretty sorry for myself.
But I must have faith. It is so much of what life is about. I can’t let all of
the efforts so far just give way to defeat and cynicism.
The sky is still
light but now that light is fading. Most of the light I’m writing by is from porch bulb. The kids are with their mom and grandparents. I am alone except
for the dear cat. It has been a good weekend. Sure it was tough emotionally
yesterday afternoon but it wasn’t a wasted day. I enjoyed mowing the lawn in beautiful
weather. I have much to be grateful for.