Night of Promise

When I asked her to the dance, I did not know how long the night would be. I promised her father that I would return her safely to her home. The night is not over. We've danced together several times, but not like some couples who seem to be having the time of their lives. So we've tried to make the best of this evening. She's danced with all of our children and grandchildren. So have I. She has danced with extended family, school, career and church. So have I. She has not danced with any other men or women and I have not danced with any other women or men. But I have stood alone and watched so many others enjoying the dance. I have talked with a few other men off the dance floor. We have had some wonderful conversations. Mostly my wife has stood alone. Or helped others. The dance is not over. My wife and I, although both distracted, are still on our date. My promise to return her safely to her father still echoes in my mind. Sometimes overshadowing even the best music I've ever heard.


(This is yet another blog entry inspired by Beck. Here's what he wrote that got me thinking.)

He didn't scream at me.

my stepdad didn't scream at me as a teenager
he saved his drunken outbursts for my mom
one night I considered bashing
in his skull with a hammer

I left home after high school
not to go on a mission but to escape him
after I got married, he got in to AA
got his 25 year pin

25 years of sobriety
then 26, 27, 28
I held his hand on his death bed
slowly we'd become friends over the decades

he was a dry drunk for a
long time but eventually mellowed
he even wrote some nice stuff about
me, my wife, our kids

I haven't written about
his abuse until now, but with
your story as a prompt, Chad
today I have started

A great time to come out?

It's a great time to come out, right? After all, church members are being urged like never before to be kind and loving to gays and lesbians. How can my fellow brothers and sisters know that I need their love and support as I deal with SGA while sustaining my MOM relationship--oops--if I'm going to come out, I guess I'll also have to try to stop talking in code. I'll have to say I'm dealing with same gender attraction while sustaining my mixed-orientation marriage, but even then, I'll probably get unknowing stares as people ask themselves "What on earth is he talking about? Is this more of this gay lingo? It used to be out in the world, not it's right here in our neighborhood."

What will coming out do to my affectionate relationships with the guys in my High Priests Group? I like the idea that they're talking with me and even occasionally putting a hand on my shoulder or squeezing my knee just because we're brothers and we feel comfortable touching each other. Would I want them to touch me and talk with me to show me increased love and acceptance because I'm struggling with this "terrible burden of being gay" and Mormon? Hmmm, maybe not so much.

How would I feel if I knew that in Ward Council the Relief Society president was saying, "We've got to reach out to Ned and his wife, especially his wife. Think of what she's be going through all those years being married to a gay man, uh, a SSA man, oh no, SGA, that's what we call it right? We need to be sure she gets visiting taught every month, and what are you High Priests going to do with Ned?"

To which the HP group leader confesses, "Well, I'm sorry to say this but some of our older High Priests feel that Ned's really betrayed them. He's always been so kind and sometimes openly affectionate, but now they think he's been coming on to them all these years. When we thought of Ned as straight, of course we accepted him as one of the group, but now that we know that he's turned gay, uh, or he now thinks that he's SSA or SGA, whatever you want to call it, these guys feel like he's been lying to them about who he really is. They don't trust him. To be honest, I don't think we can keep him as an instructor."

To which the Bishop says, "Well maybe we could lovingly call him to coordinate the Saturday morning cleaning of the building. No, that's not going to work, people aren't going to want to be alone in the church with him. We can put him on the prayer rolls of the Temple and we'll pray about calling another instructor so we can release him. He's a great teacher, but this whole gay thing is really making people uncomfortable. If only Ned had kept this to himself, we wouldn't have to be dealing with all this contention."

What do you think? Am I being too cynical? Or am I just facing the reality that older members of the church, and those who have become leaders because of their orthodox views, aren't really going to be on board with really loving and accepting gays and lesbians?

Almost Summertime

I know it's not officially summer until June 21, but for many of us summer starts when school ends or on Memorial Day weekend, whichever comes first.

By both of those standards summer has been here a while now, eventhough the weather here in the shadows of the everlasting hills has been unusually cold and rainy. Thanks to George Gershwin and Dubose Heyward, summertime isn't just a season but a wonderful melody and lyric:

Summertime and the livin' is easy
fish are jumpin' and the cotton is high
oh your daddy's rich and your ma is good lookin'
so hush little baby don't you cry

One of these mornin's you're gonna rise up singin'
yes you'll spread your wings and you'll take to the sky
but til' that mornin' theres nothin' can harm you
with daddy and mammy standin' by

I also associate Summertime with this classic by Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein II from the musical Show Boat:

Fish got to swim, birds got to fly,
I got to love one man till I die
Can't help loving that man of mine

Tell me he's lazy, tell me he's slow,
Tell me I'm crazy, maybe I know
Can't help loving that man of mine

When he goes away,
That's a rainy day,
And when he comes back that day is fine,
The sun will shine

He can come home as late as can be,
Home without him ain't no home to me,
Can't help loving that man of mine

Which brings me to this thought: As one of the older guys on Abelard's long list of Moho bloggers I can tell you that even well into my fifties and still committed to my wife, children and faith, there are a few men on this planet and beyond that I can't help loving.

Some are dead. Some are far away. Some are on missions of various types. But one day there will be a reunion or even a meeting for the first time of someone that I've always known, someone who has always known me. That day will be fine. The sun will shine. And perhaps on that day I will know even more surely than I know now, that the love I feel is a good, noble and God-given trait that brings great challenges and even greater blessings. 

One night stands

They happen with gay and straight people. They happen with the young and old and those in between. They sometimes involve sex. But not always. Yes, I've had one night stands that weren't sexual at all. Here are a few of them.

• Neighbor friend and I go for a bike ride. Nothing bad happens. I expect we'll go again. But I never ask and neither does the neighbor. We see each other at church. We even chat. But no bike rides are scheduled.
  
• Different neighbor friend has a cabin. His son and my son are the same age and buddies. My son and I are invited to the cabin. Nothing bad happens. I expect to be invited again sometime. My son and his son go to the cabin mutliple times particularly after they both get their drivers licenses. I see my friend at church. We chat. Eventually I out and out say, "If you ever need any help up at your cabin, just let me know, I'd love to lend a hand." Never again am I invited to the cabin. We continue to see each other at church. We chat. I can't bring myself to ask him, what happened, how come I never got invited back?
  
• College buddy invites me to go skiing. We have a good time. At least I think so. Nothing bad happens. But I don't ever again invite him to go skiing. He doesn't ever again invite me to go skiing. Eventually we lose track of each other, but sometimes when it snows, I think of him and wonder what happened. The I tell myself, you can't hold on to every friendship and aqauintance.
  
• Yet another neighbor and I go for yet a different bike ride. Nothing bad happens. We both say we'll go again sometime, but I never invite him and he never invites me. We see each other at church. We even chat. But no bike rides are scheduled.

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Other times I know it's because I'm gay and they're straight and their gaydar goes off and they back away. Then I say, no, that's not it. Just because I'm still kind of homophobic doesn't mean they are. Then I remember that in three of the four cases above, I didn't do anything to try to advance the friendship. Sometimes I'm too judgemental though. I read about guys who have sex or something close to it with other guys, and then when the relationship stalls I can hear myself judgementally saying, "Well if you hadn't had sex, you'd still be friends." But the point is, sometimes there's just not enough energy in a relationship to carry it forward. Maybe it's nobody's fault. Maybe it just is. At least that's what I tell myself on beautiful spring days when I think about bike rides and trips to cabins.

Are you feeling SAD?

One of our fellow bloggers has written how I sometimes feel at this time of year, "I'm tired and grumpy." In response, I wrote the following and decided to cross post it here:

As far as feeling in a gray zone, that is typical

for many people as we get into the darkest time of the year. Take a look at this article on SAD. My winter routine is to try to get outdoors for a few minutes on my lunch hour when the sun is shining. Exercise also helps. I know your mileage may vary. No matter the cause, feeling gray or disconnected is hard--be it at Christmastime or the 4th of July. Fortunately we live in an age when many positive options are available to take advantage of. What options do you see that might help?"

What do you my reader(s) say? Any other ideas to carry this discussion forward?

Sensing a Disturbance

To date, I haven't met any Moho bloggers face-to-face (not knowingly, anyway) but I sense that we're not just connected in the blogosphere but in other more subtle ways as well. For example, I don't know this guy, but he flashed through my mind the other day. I didn't know why at the time, but perhaps it is because we can sometimes sense a disturbance when someone with whom we share a bond is in pain. I wrote this reply to his entry:

"...I'm so sorry that you and your loved ones are in anguish...thank you for your admonition, 'Brothers, don't take your families and children for granted. Don't lose sight of your blessings.' It's a timely message for me. I say that I love them, but do I show it in all my thoughts and actions? Not always, not as much as I should.

So I thank you for sharing your hard-won perspective here and I selfishly hope you will continue to do so. I will pray for you and I hope that our little online community here can be one of your sources of support.

Something that helped me when I was depressed, despondent and suicidal a few years ago was this great truth: We can not change the past, but we can change how we look at it. And because of the atonement we don't have to do it alone. The words of Isaiah and transcendent music of Handel's Messiah bear witness to me that:

'Surely He hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows. He was wounded for our transgressions. He was bruised for our iniquities. The chastisement of our peace was upon Him. And with His stripes we are healed.' May you and your loved ones find the hope and healing He offers to us all."


After I wrote that, I continued to hear Messiah in my mind, particularly the chorus "And he shall purify" and when I looked up the scriptural basis of it, I found this reference to gold and silver:

"But who may abide the day of his coming? And who shall stand when he appeareth? For he is like a refiner's fire, and like fullers' soap; And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; and he shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver; and there shall be they that shall offer unto the Lord offerings in righteousness." Malachi 3:1-3