Blessings of Brotherhood

A couple of weeks ago I had a wonderful experience that I wanted to share with you. I was buying some stuff at a store and noticed that the cashier who was about to ring up my purchases looked like a friend of mine, which gave me warm feelings toward him even though we'd never met. But I decided to treat him as a friend and not a stranger. Our eyes locked as I walked up to the counter and said "How are you?" as if we were old friends.

We both smiled. His facial expression matched my hopes. He looked back into my eyes as if we did know each other.  Debit or credit, he asked. I said debit and, as if I had seen him in a variety of different shirts and ties over the years, I said, "You know that shirt and tie really look great on you. You ought to wear that combination more often." Our eyes again locked and he said, "Well thanks, bud, I will." He handed me my stuff and I said "Have a good one" and he said "You, too." It was probably over in less than a minute, but it was one of those sweet moments I hope I'll always remember.

Today when I saw the real friend that this guy reminded me of, I wanted to give him a big hug and say, "I love you so much." But he doesn't like hugs and I don't usually tell straight guys I love them, so we just talked about our weekends.

Later today I saw another friend. This time he was the one who kept making eye contact. As we talked I noticed his white teeth, his full lips, his neatly trimmed beard, the way his shirt hung on his shoulders, and then right in the middle of the conversation a kind of miracle happened. He put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a little squeeze.  I've always felt affection toward this man--another happily married fellow--but today he was the one who physically touched me. What a blessing.

I'm curious about the experiences you, my moho friends, have with your straight friends. Do you also restrain yourself? Do you also find that sometimes a friend's touch is like a gift from God himself?

Make the Yuletide Affectionate

Merry Christmas Eve! This is my first moho video. Hope you enjoy!

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p.s. I also posted on FaceBook but I think this YouTube version is the better upload. Let me know what you think.

My Christmas Wishes for You

May you find beauty in the cold of winter

warmth in the glow of friendship and family

peace in your faith

satisfaction in sociality and solitude

May you rejoice in the laughter of children

and the elderly

and everyone else in between

May you discover delightful things

about yourself and others

May you enjoy good health,

mentally, physically, spiritually

and in all other ways

and may you help other

attain such health and well-being

May you face challenges 

that will help you and others grow

But may you also grow as easily 

as a blade of grass on warms spring day

May you be blessed with the 

knowledge that your life

makes the world better 

for those you serve, those you love

and those who love you

past, present and future

May you glimpse the truth 

that there are those you know

and those you don't know 

who care deeply about you

Who thank God that 

you are who you are 

May you thank God 

and our Savior for who you 

are and your life, your blessings

your challenges

If there is within your

Soul a child who

is born with no place

to call home, may you 

welcome that child

feed and clothe and 

nurture him

Almost Summertime

I know it's not officially summer until June 21, but for many of us summer starts when school ends or on Memorial Day weekend, whichever comes first.

By both of those standards summer has been here a while now, eventhough the weather here in the shadows of the everlasting hills has been unusually cold and rainy. Thanks to George Gershwin and Dubose Heyward, summertime isn't just a season but a wonderful melody and lyric:

Summertime and the livin' is easy
fish are jumpin' and the cotton is high
oh your daddy's rich and your ma is good lookin'
so hush little baby don't you cry

One of these mornin's you're gonna rise up singin'
yes you'll spread your wings and you'll take to the sky
but til' that mornin' theres nothin' can harm you
with daddy and mammy standin' by

I also associate Summertime with this classic by Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein II from the musical Show Boat:

Fish got to swim, birds got to fly,
I got to love one man till I die
Can't help loving that man of mine

Tell me he's lazy, tell me he's slow,
Tell me I'm crazy, maybe I know
Can't help loving that man of mine

When he goes away,
That's a rainy day,
And when he comes back that day is fine,
The sun will shine

He can come home as late as can be,
Home without him ain't no home to me,
Can't help loving that man of mine

Which brings me to this thought: As one of the older guys on Abelard's long list of Moho bloggers I can tell you that even well into my fifties and still committed to my wife, children and faith, there are a few men on this planet and beyond that I can't help loving.

Some are dead. Some are far away. Some are on missions of various types. But one day there will be a reunion or even a meeting for the first time of someone that I've always known, someone who has always known me. That day will be fine. The sun will shine. And perhaps on that day I will know even more surely than I know now, that the love I feel is a good, noble and God-given trait that brings great challenges and even greater blessings. 

First Kiss

Actually I should title this "First Kisses" because there are several memorable first kisses as I look back on a long and mostly happy life.

1. My first teenage kiss with a girl.
2. The first time my wife-to-be and I kissed.
3. The first time a gay man kissed me.
4. The first time I really wanted to taste the kiss of another man.
5. Other kisses and expressions of affection.

So jumping toward the end of the list, let's focus on #4, the first time I really wanted to taste the kiss of another man.

It was on a mountainside. A straight friend and I were jogging. We both stopped to catch our breath and because we were both breathing heavily and standing close to each other and trying to talk while gasping for air, I inadvertantly captured one of his large exhalations in one of my deep inhalations. It was warm and wonderful. There was no hint of anything artificial. No trace of mouthwash or toothpaste, but nothing unappealing either. That breathing in of his breath was neither sweet nor offensive in any way, but I loved it. It was just his breath: warm, pure and affirming. But it had the power to forever freeze that moment in time. I wanted more of that taste, and I suppose a kiss would have been a natural next step for me if he had not been a straight man. It was probably as close to a kiss as I will ever enjoy with him. And you know what? That's OK. As his friend and as a married man that's as it should be.

And what about #5? These are stories of kisses and hugs between friends and family that are to be savored and held sacred.

Early in April

On April 3, 2009 a balding, somewhat overweight man in his fifties entered a Salt Lake City pastry shop, ordering a Creme Broulee and a glass of water. He took a seat on a bar stool at a table for two on the same wall as the entrance where he could see anyone walking through the front door before they could see him.

A few minutes later a tall, slightly younger man with thick blond hair quickly walked through the front door. The guy with the Creme Broulee wondered, "Is that him?" just as the younger man stopped, turned around and scanned the room. As their eyes met, the man at the table raised his right hand, extending his index finger like handgun and fired off an imaginary shot by lowering his thumb as if squeezing a trigger.

Both men smiled and nodded as if they'd known each other since childhood, but actually it was their first face-to-face meeting. The younger man had been blogging for almost three years and the older man had read every entry. The older man's blog was only a few months old, but the younger man had also read each of the newcomer's entries.

One of them suggested this "late business lunch" and the other reluctantly agreed. They engaged in animated conversation long after consuming their gourmet desserts. The discussion continued as they walked to their respective vehicles. More laughter ensued. They both savored a long hug and then talked even more. Wallets opened. They narrated family photos and exchanged business cards. A second hug lasted longer than the first. This afternoon snack in early April was neither the beginning nor the end of their friendship.

When Your Crush Responds

How long can a crush last? And what happens when you're back in touch with a person you crushed on years ago? I've wondered about these questions because one of my earliest crushes, a friend from high school, and I are back in touch at least via social networking and phone. He now lives several states away. Another friend who I worked with years ago also recently friended me on Facebook. He's relatively nearby, only about four hours by car. After more than a decade in both cases, I'm surprised how strong the connection feels. Anyone else have similar experiences?

Marriage and Patience

I took this photo last year. I discovered the quotation a couple of weeks ago. Marrying them only occurred to me a few days ago. Sometimes I have to wait a long time for things to fall together. I'd like to think I'm becoming more patient. Some days are better than others. I'm grateful this night for those who love me and those I love. I'm grateful for our creator who loves us unconditionally and urges us to do the same. I'm grateful for love unfeigned. I also grateful for love that requires cultivation and husbandry. I love both wildflowers and planted gardens.

One Hand One Heart

(photo from Beck's blog)

Make of our hands one hand,
Make of our hearts one heart,
Make of our vows one last vow:
Only death will part us now.

Make of our lives one life,
Day after day, one life.
Now it begins, now we start
One hand, one heart;
Even death won't part us now.

Interesting, isn't it how Stephen Sondheim and Leonard Bernstein captured the essence of both mortal and eternal marriages in this classic from West Side Story. It's a beautiful, emotional song and yet I wonder, based on my own experience, how many MOMs (Mixed Orientation Marriages) achieve this ideal.

My dear wife and I are of one heart on many issues, particularly concerning our children and our pride in the way they treat others and their varied accomplishments. However our lives are not one, but multiple lives. We have different views so many things, different approaches, varying tastes, divergent opinions. Most of the hours of our days are not spent together but apart. Even much of our leisure time is spent in proximity to one another, but not in close physical or emotional contact.

Much of this is healthy. I agree with Kahlil Gibran: "...let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls." Nonetheless I am bound. I have chosen to be. I am bound by commitments and covenants, days which have stretched into years, months which have morphed into decades.

The spaces in our togetherness allow for friendships. Married women usually have their intimate girl friends. They may greet with hugs and kisses. Their supportive touching may include handholding. Some married men have their trusted business associates, their fishing buddies*, their racketball partners, those whose company they enjoy as they train together for a marathon or serve together in the neighborhood, church and community. While these relationships vary in the level of their intimacy, they tend to be platonic--even so the men may testify of the love for each other and kid each other about their bromance.

The dynamics are more complicated when one of the two buddies is gay or bisexual, but there remains a safety net. In a MOM male friendship, the straight man's orientation provides a natural barrier to convenant-breaking. The friends may be physically and emotionally close in many ways. They may share doubts, concerns and joys. They make greet and depart with the embrace of whiskered bear hugs. They may inhale each other's unique scent of sweat not entirely overpowered by deodorant. Hundreds even thousands of times over a long term freindship they may dress and undress together. They may stand naked, talking, laughing, shaving in the all-male bastion of the locker room and its showers. Sexual contact does not occur. It is not desired by one or even both of the men.

But when the males in a friendship are married men who are both SGA or SSA or bi-sexual or gay, and when the friendship includes playful, brotherly touch and mutual desire for more, what barriers protect that friendship from escalating into convenant-breaking? Is the covenant the safety net? What can they do to create appropriate spaces in their togetherness? How can their relationship help rather than hinder the vows they have made to their wives, the commitments they have made to their children, the chaste friendship they wish to sustain?

*usually, not, I presume of the Brokeback Mountain genre. ;)