Suicidal Thoughts - Conclusion

An edited transcription of journal entries, 2001-2003.


June 10 - Finally got into the Nurse Practitioner my counselor recommended. In addition to the Celexa I've been taking, she's started me on Wellburtrin. Watched some of the Tom Hanks's movie Philadelphia last night. The character he played, based on a real life lawyer, kept fighting against his former employer and against his disease of AIDS. He endured to the end. It has been a good day, overall, a few tough moments, but overall a day as a Sunday should be, time with loved ones, time to find some renewal for the week ahead.


June 11 - Feeling a little panicky. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm glad to be alive. 


June 18 - Followed the plan to double my Wellbutrin to 200 milligrams a day. Still having a lot of ringing in my ears, but it comes and goes. On a scale of 1-to-10 I'd say my mood is up to about a 4. But given that it's been a 2 or 3 for most of last month, I'm glad for the progress. Yesterday was Father's Day, it was a pretty good day with some uplifting thoughts at church and from the fam.


June 25 - I'm still doing about the same but better in some ways. I'm learning about myself. What have I learned? Probably that I'm tougher than I thought I was. I'm learning just to live with whatever this down stuff is and there's the paradox, when I am just accepting of it and not trying to fight it, I seem to do better. Last Sunday I took a nap for a few minutes and when I woke up I felt "normal" for a while. I think the medication is helping.


July 6 - I want to let go, yet I want to hold on. I agree with the idea that suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem, but it's not really an answer. Still I want to let go. But I don't want to harm innocent people, my children, my wife, my family, my friends. I want to again be a basically hopeful person. 


Sept 11 - Our nation was attacked in New York and Washington, D.C. This is awful but I can see that I personally have a lot to be thankful for. 


Nov 22 - Thanksgiving. Mood is much, much better. I've found an anchor in the work of Dr. David Burns and his book Feeling Good about cognitive behavior therapy. I'm doing better physically, socially, even spiritually. I've learned that my thoughts have so much to do with my moods and that irrational thoughts, though the seem true, can cause depression and physical symptoms. We are what we think. Sounds simple. But it's pretty powerful. I've found affirmations that I can say and usually believe: I am healthy and strong. I can handle my responsibilities. I am a loving and caring parent. I'm a decent husband. I'm a capable man. 


Dec 31 - Wow the last day of one of the toughest years I can remember. I lost so much self-esteem and hope, but for the last couple of months I've done much, much better. Of course I need to continue make progress and plan to do so in 2002, the year of the Salt Lake Olympics.



March 3, 2002 - Journaling didn't save me all by itself, but it was a contributing factor. Same is true of prayer, therapy, Wellbutrin, exercise and a certain fear and lack of courage ((to actually try to kill myself)). I have left more than a trace. I have documented my journey, at least some of it. What have I learned? Things I already "knew" but now have a testimony of. The need for balance, for telling the truth, especially to myself, how much I need others, but how much more so I need to be able to LIVE with myself and my decisions. 


July 6, 2002 - I am grateful for improvements. What a gift it is to be reasonably happy and hopeful. I can remember how last July 4, I sincerely believed I could never be happy again, and that whatever it took to be happy, I had permanently lost. I'm so glad I held on. I didn't realize how irrationally discouraged I really was. Well it took a long time but I have slowly improved. I'm grateful that I have had such good support from family and friends, and that I sought a multi-dimensional approach of biblio-therapy, counseling, meds, exercise and physical and emotional work.


April 25, 2003 - Now with the perspective of time I can say that the greatest loss, the greatest evil I have faced is the loss of hope. Amazingly when I wrote I almost always felt better even when I was writing about how discouraged I was. I made more sense to myself on paper than I did in my jangling mind. I'm grateful that somehow I had the wherewithal to seek to record my thoughts.



Post Script - November 11, 2010 - Thank you for hanging in there with me through this series entries. I appreciate the comments I've already received and look forward to hearing more. I welcome your insights and hope that despite the seemingly negative title of these blogs, that you have found some added insight and hope for the challenges you may face.


Post Post Script - September 5, 2011 - I've found and posted the full text from the 1990 newspaper article that I mentioned in an earlier entry. It's hard to find the archival version and the links change, so I just decided to make the full text part of my blog. Here's the link. 


http://moho50.blogspot.com/2011/09/newspaper-article-that-changed-my-life.html


Also check out the comments section.

Return to Part 1

Suicidal Thoughts - Part 3

An edited transcription of journal entries, circa 2001.

May 27 - Sunday - I am slowly but surely discovering again the things that matter most. That being with my wife and children brings a calm reassurance. We all went to church together today and then went for a drive after. I read some news articles today that gave me perspective. One was about a man in his mid-40s who couldn't even remember his age because of his alcoholism. He hadn't seen any of his kids in years. He said he'd been drunk all his life. At least I've done better than that.

May 27 - Memorial Day, mowed the lawn, went to the cemetery with family, read some old journal entries. It's been two months since I started feeling so depressed. I have survived 8 weeks of clinical depression. that's enough. I'm ready to be happy now. If only it were that easy. I've felt so down, hopeless, negative, nauseated. Enough already. I want to snap out of it. I'm ready to regain my sense of humor, my ability to plan and dream, to nurture and give, to quit being so needy.

June 3 - I am continuing to wrestle with discouragement. I thought it might be interesting to list all the negative stuff I'm feeling and explore what some of the positives might be.

discouraged - courage, courageous
afraid - brave
incompetent - competent, confident
inept - capable, able, responsible
ill - healthy well, fit, strong
depressed - realistic, positive
tormented - calm, peaceful
hopeless - hopeful
bored - active, many interests
blah - engaged
guilt ridden - forgiving, forward thinking
judgmental - accepting, understanding
negative - realistic, multifaceted
suicidal - life-affirming
down - not up, just OK
invalid - valid, purposeful

Continue to Part 4 - Conclusion

Suicidal Thoughts - Part 2

An edited transcription of journal entries, circa 2001.

April 28 – I am grateful for my family and pray that I will again be able to learn and grow. I have made many mistakes. I have been harsh and demanding. As AA advises I need to make a searching and fearless moral inventory. I have begun this night. I also wish to place in writing that I will try to forgive everyone. I’ve wanted to blame others for my failings. I have blamed others. I wish to forgive and forget. I seek to wipe the slate clean, to move forward.

April 30 – Back in January I had an idea for a screenplay. I was pretty full of myself back then. Better to be here and trying to recover than living in some dream world. I’m grateful for family and friends. And friends who feel like family. I don’t have to have an unobstructed view of the mountain to appreciate its beauty. I can see the evening sun on the mountain peaks. God gives us so much, the gift of being ourselves, and sometimes he gives us mysterious gifts we don’t understand.

May 1 – I have so much to live for but I feel empty and of little worth and discouraged. I have felt these feelings before. I have been through bleak times, but I have survived, I have not given in. Still having tremendous difficulty eating, thinking clearly.

May 6 – I will continue to fight for encouragement and making a valuable contribution.

May 11 – Forgot to take my meds last night. Troubling. Didn’t sleep well. Called in sick. Called my counselor. Called my doctor. Felt pretty desperate. Took a nap. After failing to get through to anyone, at about 11:30 I worked up my courage to call 1-800-SUICIDE. The kind woman on the line helped me understand and sort through several things. She helped me gauge in the intensity of my feelings. She asked, “Do you have a gun now or have you take drugs?” I said no. She asked if I planned to do anything today. I said no. I told her I couldn’t get through to my doc or counselor, that food tasted awful and I was losing weight and couldn’t sleep well, and knew these were signs of depression. She said helped me see that although I was troubled, and feeling panic, I was not in eminent danger.

Finally got a call back from my counselor. “Satan has the power to discourage us, but exercise faith and move forward. We have the power to crush the serpent’s head. Remember Paul, we are troubled on every side but not perplexed. Keeping moving forward in faith.”

May 13 – I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. I have tried to be calm and have succeeded, it is just that on the inside I feel so hopeless and guilty. I know I have been the cause of so many problems and unhappiness. There is a wise part of me that says hang in there you can beat this. There is another part of me that says everyone would ultimately be better off if you were gone. That seems so stupid when I write it down, but the thing is that right now it seems true. If only I hadn’t read that newspaper article about Evergreen. If only I had been able to carry the secret to my grave. If only Evergreen had worked better. I don’t know how to sort it out anymore. It gave me great hope. Perhaps too much hope.

May 24 – Saw my counselor. He recommended a nurse practitioner who can evaluate my meds. The rapport I used to have with this man is all but gone. I left his office smiling, but it was a phony smile. Maybe this woman who can prescribe meds will be more helpful.

May 25 – Did a great deal of throwing things away at the office today. Am getting more organized. If I’m not going to be there at least I can leave it clean. 

Continue to Part 3

Suicidal Thoughts

An edited transcription of journal entries

January 6 – Bishop and I just finished an interview. He will recommend that I be ordained a High Priest. He said I once taught him that when you can’t express a thought in the spoken word, you can write it and then burn it and let the smoke carry it away. I don’t remember telling him that. Maybe it was something I suggested in a quorum discussion long ago.


February 11 – Stake Conference. Faith and delight in keeping the commandments. Angels to bear you up. Seeking the one in need. Miracles do happen. God wants all to have love and happiness. Give up all your sins to know God. Many ways to sin. Watch yourselves, your thoughts, words and deeds. Remember and perish not. Keep commandments always. Never vary from them.


March 8 – Melancholia, depression, the blues have been called many things of the centuries. I write now because this awful guest is visiting and I don’t want him hanging around. He is boorish and robs my energy and goodness. Get thee hence, darkness. Have I brought this on myself or is it just something that comes along like bad weather. I’m unusually quiet, fidgety, and impatient. People who are perfectly patient and never complain when in pain are amazing. I'm not one of them.


April 9 – I don’t feel “normal” and I wish I could get better. I guess I’m always looking outside myself, thinking that I will find “the answer” out there somewhere. But the wise, ancient part of me knows that there really isn’t any one answer. There are approaches. Balance to be sought. Ideals to strive for. Why can't just visualizing the ideal be enough to bring some relief? I don’t have to be happy all the time, but a few moments here and there would be nice. Silence doesn’t have to be empty or lonely, but it is right now. I have sought both old and new friends. It is a labor. I can only sing certain songs and my songs are not always what they seem. If I can’t accept myself, how can I expect anyone else to?

Continue to Part 2

He will yet reveal

Some say the sole purpose of The Family: A Proclamation to the World is to define marriage as between a man and a woman. Not so! Why would the church do that to so many who fall outside that ideal? If only 1% of LDS church members are gay, that's still 138,248 gay Mormons based on the church's 2009 Statistical Report. That would fill to overflowing two facilities the size of LaVell Edwards Stadium.


Yes, the proclamation supports strong families, but not just one kind of strong family. Yes, it says "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God..." but it does not say that other unions are invalid. 


For example we know that marriages between one man and multiple women are also viable on the other side of the veil. The proclamation does not invalidate polygamous marriages made prior to 1890 or the present-day serial polygamist who is sealed to one wife, and then upon her death is sealed to a second, resulting an eternal polygamist marriage.

The Proclamation on the Family speaks of many ideals. Yes, it certainly is ideal for a man and a woman to marry and rear children. No argument there. But it clearly and directly acknowledges that this ideal is not always attained because of a variety of reasons:


"Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation."


It doesn't say that other circumstances may cause problems but there's nothing that can be done. It says other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. That powerful, inclusive sentence is a loving acknowlegement that the ideals set forth in the proclamation are sometimes unavoidably unavailable to real people in real life.


In 1922 when my grandmother was widowed as a young mother, her parents did not allow her to date after the tragic loss of her young husband. They believed that dating would violate her Temple covenants with her eternal companion. Today she would not be so tightly constrained. Today she would be encouraged to marry a second worthy husband in the Temple, but not for time and all eternity. The doctrine hasn't changed, but the intrepretation of it has. It didn't even require a revelation, just a change in attitude and, perhaps, church policy. Does anyone how if there was an official change or not?


After the 1978 revelation opening the priesthood to worthy black members of the church, Bruce R. McConkie was questioned about his many strident statements against "the Negro." In a speech entitled All Are Alike unto God he said, "Forget everything that I have said, or what President Brigham Young or President George Q. Cannon or whomsoever has said in days past that is contrary to the present revelation. We spoke with a limited understanding and without the light and knowledge that now has come into the world. We get our truth and our light line upon line and precept upon precept. We have now had added a new flood of intelligence and light on this particular subject, and it erases all the darkness and all the views and all the thoughts of the past. They don’t matter any more."


Elder McConkie thus affirmed the Ninth Article of Faith: "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God."


Fortunately we won't have to forget or set aside anything in the Proclamation on the Family if and when it is revealed that in addition to traditional marriage being ordained of God, "other circumstances" require individual and church-wide adaptation, and should be handled with as much love, accomodation and support as death or disability.


I believe that someday we will all sing with great fervor and thanksgiving Carol Lynn Pearson and Reid N. Nibley's prophetic Primary song I'll Walk with You:

If you don't walk as most people do, 

Some people walk away from you,

But I won't! I won't!

If you don't talk as most people do

Some people talk and laugh at you,

But I won't! I won't!

I'll walk with you,

I'll talk with you.

That's how I'll show my love for you.

Jesus walked away from none.

He gave his love to ev'ryone.

So I will! I will!

Jesus blessed all he could see,

Then turned and said,

"Come, follow me."

And I will! I will! I will! I will!

I'll walk with you,

I'll talk with you.

That's how I'll show my love for you.

A great time to come out?

It's a great time to come out, right? After all, church members are being urged like never before to be kind and loving to gays and lesbians. How can my fellow brothers and sisters know that I need their love and support as I deal with SGA while sustaining my MOM relationship--oops--if I'm going to come out, I guess I'll also have to try to stop talking in code. I'll have to say I'm dealing with same gender attraction while sustaining my mixed-orientation marriage, but even then, I'll probably get unknowing stares as people ask themselves "What on earth is he talking about? Is this more of this gay lingo? It used to be out in the world, not it's right here in our neighborhood."

What will coming out do to my affectionate relationships with the guys in my High Priests Group? I like the idea that they're talking with me and even occasionally putting a hand on my shoulder or squeezing my knee just because we're brothers and we feel comfortable touching each other. Would I want them to touch me and talk with me to show me increased love and acceptance because I'm struggling with this "terrible burden of being gay" and Mormon? Hmmm, maybe not so much.

How would I feel if I knew that in Ward Council the Relief Society president was saying, "We've got to reach out to Ned and his wife, especially his wife. Think of what she's be going through all those years being married to a gay man, uh, a SSA man, oh no, SGA, that's what we call it right? We need to be sure she gets visiting taught every month, and what are you High Priests going to do with Ned?"

To which the HP group leader confesses, "Well, I'm sorry to say this but some of our older High Priests feel that Ned's really betrayed them. He's always been so kind and sometimes openly affectionate, but now they think he's been coming on to them all these years. When we thought of Ned as straight, of course we accepted him as one of the group, but now that we know that he's turned gay, uh, or he now thinks that he's SSA or SGA, whatever you want to call it, these guys feel like he's been lying to them about who he really is. They don't trust him. To be honest, I don't think we can keep him as an instructor."

To which the Bishop says, "Well maybe we could lovingly call him to coordinate the Saturday morning cleaning of the building. No, that's not going to work, people aren't going to want to be alone in the church with him. We can put him on the prayer rolls of the Temple and we'll pray about calling another instructor so we can release him. He's a great teacher, but this whole gay thing is really making people uncomfortable. If only Ned had kept this to himself, we wouldn't have to be dealing with all this contention."

What do you think? Am I being too cynical? Or am I just facing the reality that older members of the church, and those who have become leaders because of their orthodox views, aren't really going to be on board with really loving and accepting gays and lesbians?

Moho Films Win Tops Awards in Mormon Video Contest

It hasn't happened yet. But it could. Who better to make some highly relevant, engaging, and unforgettable videos about gospel principles like: 

• As I have loved you, love one another
• Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly, too
• Though though deepening trials throng your way

Ok, so those are song titles, but you get the idea. Here's the link to the contest site. Entries are due on the last day of January. Here's a quick idea. How about you use the text of the story of Jonathan and David as the basis of a story, but it is all done with contemporary actors in a typical Mormon home and neighborhood? Just something to get you thinking.

Dolls and Darkrooms

Here's my earlier post on this subject 

using same great painting by 

Steve Walker.

As a little boy I didn’t worry what people thought. I liked dolls, purses, makeup, jewelry, sewing and photography. Later I learned that real boys don’t like dolls, purses, makeup and jewelry. I knew that I was a real boy, but I didn’t like the things real boys liked, except photography. So I hid those parts from others and eventually from myself. As a teenager I spent a lot of time processing film and photos in a darkroom. In some ways I’ve lived most of my life in a darkroom.

Now I’m a young senior citizen. More than half of my life is behind me. I’ve hidden from myself and others for so long that I sometimes wonder if I can ever let the real me show. Does he even exist or did I kill him just as surely as if I had driven my VW Beetle into the family garage and closed the door with the engine running. 

A few minutes ago an online acquaintance texted me that he’d been burned by people who weren’t honest about who they are. He asked if I used a pseudonym online. I told him yes. He said “I wish you well” and then a little green bright spot on my computer screen lost its color and turned gray. I wanted to tell him, I’m trying to be me. I really am. But I’ve hidden so long that light hurts my eyes, sun burns my skin, sound hurts my ears and I feel like I’m going to melt and sizzle away like a chip of ice on a hot stove.

Then I hear another voice saying, “Oh come on, stop with all the drama and angst already. You’re a grown up man. Act like one. Get on with your life. Quit living in the past. Stop the pity party. Get over yourself. Life is tough, then you die. Besides, why would our Father in Heaven do that to anyone?"

Then I hear a kinder voice saying, “You really are OK just the way you are. And you are multi-faceted. That’s OK. Diamonds are like that, too.”

Jonathan and David may yet lead the way

“…the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul…and then Jonathan and David made a covenant because he loved him as his own soul…”   1 Samuel 1-3

What does it mean to have your soul knit to another? It my idealized world, it would be wonderful for this scripture to be cited and explained in the context of God-sanctioned same-sex relationships. If you were to write such a text, what would it say? What has already been written on the subject? What needs to be said from a Moho point of view?

Dear Father in Heaven, Just as you blessed David to love Jonathan and his wife as well, you have blessed me with the gift of bisexuality. Thank you for this gift that has provided me with so many blessings throughout my life. Please help me and guide me to use this gift wisely. This I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

The Morning Breaks

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” –Romans 8:38-39

I love the idea that God's love is always there operating in our lives even when we don't realize it, just as the sun is always shining even though we can't always see it.

Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?

Young Apostles in the LDS Quorum of the Twelve
silently affirm the warmth of non-sexual, same-sex
affection between friends and colleagues.

I agree with Beck and JGW that this is a provocative question. Elder Boyd K. Packer's talk was not only heard by thousands of faithful LDS members, but reports of it have echoed around the world through FaceBook and the blogosphere. As of a few minutes ago the Salt Lake Tribune's article on the talk with the headline "Apostle: Same-Sex Attraction Can Change" had prompted over 3,100 comments. 

Now, don't get the wrong impression here. I agree that some of Elder Packer's statements--if not put in perspective--could be deadly to some. But I am glad that the topic is generating discussion. I'm glad there's going to be a demonstration in Salt Lake City later this week. Dustin Lance Black, aren't you so glad you made the MILK film? 

So you know where I stand, here's what I wrote on the topic last year in response to a question from Abelard.

...I hope my future will include rejoicing as LDS church continues to refine its attitudes about sexuality. The Family: A Proclamation to the World includes this highly significant sentence: "Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation." 

I find hope in the idea that the church, like individuals, may find it necessary to adapt. One of my greatest sources of hope is the 9th Article of Faith: "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal and we believe he will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God." 

I reached adulthood before the 1978 revelation that all worthy men could receive the priesthood. The church's former racist policy and teachings were a roadblock to my fully accepting Mormonism. The fact that that roadblock fell is a source of hope that other much-needed changes should and can be made. 

So do I agree with Elder Packer? Not so much. Do I find reason to welcome the discussion he has prompted, yes. 

Seeking advice on the shedding of tears

Weeping Parisian
from Wikimedia Commons

There's been a death in my world. I have lost someone who has been a mentor, cheerleader, advisor, confidant, entertainer and listener. A kind, talented, beautiful person inside and out. Someone who protected, nurtured, endured, stumbled, climbed, sorrowed, succeeded, wept, laughed, loved, smiled, beamed, angered, frustrated, manipulated, gave, enjoyed, planned, played, produced, praised and prayed.

I've shed a few tears but haven't really had a good cry yet. Maybe I need to watch a tearjerker movie to get me started and then I can just let loose.

The few tears I have shed felt good. I wouldn't say they were bitter tears, but tears of loss and sadness mixed with tears of gratitude and thanksgiving. But for days now, I've felt all dried up and cried out. So if you have any good recommendations on movies that'll make even a tough old cowboy cry, well then let me know. Not that I'm a tough old cowboy but the old part is true.

So what have I gained? An increased appreciation of hospice, hugs, music, friends, loved ones, kind words, sunshine, sleep, food, silence, flowers, funeral directors and that certain change in the air that comes with fall. And these old song lyrics and the melodies that go with them.

The falling leaves drift by the window
The autumn leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, the summer kisses
The sun-burned hands I used to hold

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

Oh, it's a long long while from May to December
But the days grow short when you reach September
When the autumn weather turns the leaves to flame
And you ain't got time for waiting game

When days dwindle down to a precious few
September November,
And these few golden days I'd share with you
Those golden days I share with you

And then there's this from Emily Dickinson:

I held a jewel in my fingers
And went to sleep
The day was warm, and winds were prosy
I said "twill keep"

I woke and child my honest fingers,
The Gem was gone
And now, an Amethyst remembrance
Is all I own

So, now just so you know that my question above was serious, I'm going to repeat it here: What do you recommend for a fellow who knows he needs to cry, and who really thinks he wants to cry, but doesn't quite remember how? Should I try the movies route? If so, which ones? Any other ideas?
Thanks my friends.

On a Summer Night (part three)

So when I realized this was not an accident, I didn’t really think through my options at all. I don’t think I knew about the three reactions humans and animals often have regarding what they perceive to be threatening. I didn’t think: fight, flight or freeze. Beck speculated about what I did. Here's what he imagined and my thoughts all these years later:


Beck: You playfully tousled his hair in return and you both started laughing and brushed it off with embarrassed chuckles?

Me: No, but I wish I had. I wish I had at least said or done something.

Beck: You slowly woke up and asked him: "What do you think you're doing?" as he immediately slid back into his sleeping bag?

Me: That doesn’t sound at all like me as a 15-year-old, or even now. But that’s what I like about it. Maybe we would have started wrestling again.

Beck: Your reflexes got the best of you and you slugged him in the nose?

Me: Again this sounds impossible, but I do kind of like the idea of some playful violence. I guess the idea is that he did invade my space and I should have done something to reciprocate.

Beck: You brought your arm around him and gave him a big kiss?
Me: This is the one I like the best. But this is now, not then. I was so homophobic I couldn’t imagine hugging or kissing another male. But that would have been cool to tousle his hair, and then perhaps caress his face, and then move in a little closer, but it would be another year before I kissed girl and decades before I would let another man touch me.

Beck: You pretended to stay asleep but you agonized all night wondering what the tousle meant?

Me: This is the closest to the truth. I pretended to be asleep. Then I seemed to be able to put the entire think out of my mind. But funny thing about repression, here I am four decades later, still thinking about it.

To bring the story up to date, our friendship continued throughout high school and college. We were never close, but then again I was not very close with anyone in those days. Both of us married beautiful women and fathered sons and daughters. Early in his career my friend moved out of state and we lost track of each other for a decade or so. Then we reconnected through annual Christmas cards, until one year my card was returned. I realize this echoes the plot in Brokeback Mountain, but that story and mine only have a few points in common.

To be continued.

On a Summer Night (part two)

So there we in our sleeping bags out under the stars in my back yard. I don’t remember our conversation ending, it’s just that there were longer and longer pauses between his comments and mine. As the pauses grew longer, I grew sleepier. But I know I wasn’t dreaming when my friend did something I didn’t understand then and still don’t fully understand now.

Just now I googled definitions for the word “tousle” and here’s what I got: “Tousle, to make something (especially a person’s hair) untidy. She reached up behind his head and gave his hair a tousle.”

That’s the word for it. My friend, my male friend, my 15-year-old active-in-the-LDS church male friend, had reached over and was tousling my hair. Maybe he thought I was asleep. Maybe he was just curious about what my hair felt like, but I know this: It wasn’t an accident.

It wasn’t just a single tousle that could be explained by a sleepy involuntary stretch that just happened to graze the top of my head. He tousled my hair deliberately and fairly slowly. It wasn’t just a few strokes for a few seconds. He went from my forehead to the back of my head several times.

I didn't realize it at the time, but as I've thought about it over the years, he was touching me in a very loving and affectionate way, or at the very least in a most curious, exploratory way. It was totally chaste in way, like petting a dog, but in another way it was also incredibly sexually charged because his fingers were in my hair, and he was a 15-year-old boy who was touching another 15-year-old boy as they slept out under the stars on a warm summer night. At least that's how I see it NOW as a married man and father.

But back then, as an inexperienced lad, I wondered what was going on, and I wondered what I should say or whether to say anything. What I decided to do may surprise you, or perhaps you’ve already guessed. To be continued.

On a Summer Night

I've been thinking about some of my teenage experiences, especially one warm night when my good friend and I were sleeping under the stars in my back yard. I know we weren't sixteen yet because neither of us had our license to drive. We'd lived in the same neighborhood for years, but we'd really only gotten to know each other in the last year. Like me, his dad wasn't around. My mom was on her second marriage and his mom was divorced. 

So our moms weren't with our dads and we lived the same street and went to the same ward and the same school, but other than that we didn't have too much in common. I wore glasses over my brown eyes. His blue/hazel eyes needed no correction. I was good at non-technical stuff like English and history. He slaughtered the English language but was great with math. He was into sports. I wasn't. Yet somehow we had become friends. 

Actually I shouldn't say somehow. I know exactly how it happened. We were walking home from school one day and when we got to his house, he tackled me on his lawn. No warning. He didn't challenge me to a fight. We weren't talking about anything in particular, but suddenly he was on top of me and I was fighting to get free. Eventually the fight stopped. I picked up my books and walked home. After that we were pretty good friends.

Well back to that summer night on the back lawn. We'd had a long talk about religion--I wasn't active in the church and he was--and then things grew quiet and I started to fall asleep. Then my friend did something that I will always remember. To be continued.

Celebrating the Sabbath

Monday mornings are hard to face,

Tuesday lunch can bring disgrace,

Wednesday night can move too slow

Thursday I'll be on the go

Friday will be loving and giving,

Saturday I'll celebrate living,

But the hours I spend on the Sabbath day

will be warm and bright and good and gay.

Some of us attend services of various types on Sundays. Some of us renew our spirits in other ways. I'm curious what readers of this blog do on Sundays and how you feel about it. I'm in church usually for at least an hour, often for two and sometimes for three. I almost always feel uplifted when I go to church, but just as I sometimes need a break from work, sometimes it's great to need to attend another ward for a blessing, or a farewell or homecoming. And sometimes it's nice to just take my own sabbatical from the sabbath. How about you?

Question about homosexuality removed from church site

A week or so ago, this question was available to be answered when you filled out a member profile at the mormon dot org web site:

"What is the Church’s attitude on homosexuality? Why is homosexuality and same-sex marriage important to the Mormon Church?"


Today it is no longer on the site. Here are some ideas to explain why it was removed:

• It's just a technical glitch.
• The technicians who run the web site just wanted to have some fun.
• The church received so many replies that it no longer needs that question answered.
• The a mid-level bureaucrat made the decision.
• A general authority made a phone call and the question was immediately removed.
• Someone noticed that the question contains a grammatical error.

Why do you think the question was removed?

Insights about Bisexual General Authorities

The following chat from Vatican City to Salt Lake City was recently intercepted and decoded. 

VC: As Mormons you agree with us that same sex marriage should be fought. You, too, see that gays really are one of the problems we need to deal with. Why's that?

SLC: Well first of all, we really appreciate your support. But I do need to let you know that we don't like to use the word "gay". We prefer to call it SGA or Same Gender Attraction. And we do know that SGA can often be cured or at least suppressed well enough that no one would ever know. We have lots of strugglers who have wives and children. They've overcome it and we know others can, too.

VC: How do you know that?

SLC: Well you've seen our missionaries walking around Italy, right?

VC: Many times, yes, many times.

SLC: We send these young men out to serve two year missions when they're 19 years old. They're paired with a male companion 24/7 for months at a time.  They walk together, preach together, share meals together. They learn to share a kitchen and much more, each morning and night the get on their knees and pray together. Why in the early days of the church they even slept in the same bed together.

VC: What does that have to do with homosexuality?

SLC: Well we know very well that some of these young boys are attracted to each other. But it's OK because we also know that most of them have the self-control not to act on it, and when they return home, they'll marry sweet young women, have wonderful families and put their homosexuality behind them for good.

VC: How do you know that?

SLC: Well, confidentially, I can tell you it has happened within the highest ranks of the church.

VC: You mean some of your leaders are gay?

SLC: No, I wouldn't put it that way. Like I said, we really don't like the G-word. I would say they had same gender attraction, but they overcame it.

VC: But what about the scientific evidence that homosexuality is immutable?

SLC: We don't buy it. When science and the gospel disagree, we tend to go with the gospel. Besides that, when some of our highest ranking leaders say that they've overcome this weakness, then we can count on that as the truth.

VC: Isn't it more likely that these men who say they can overcome homosexual feelings are actually bisexuals who are choosing to bond with women because their bisexuality gives them that option?

SLC: Well I hadn't thought about it quite that way. We don't like to use the word bisexual very much. I guess we could refer to it as OGAASGA, or simply OGASA, opposite and same gender attraction. But I think that sounds too much like Obama and we certainly don't want that.

VC: Wow and I thought we were homophobic. It would be tough for an openly gay member of your church to rise to the level of a Cardin---uh---General Authority. But a bisexual member of your church who could pass as straight could certainly rise up through the ranks, couldn't he?

SLC: Well I suppose it's possible, and to be honest with you, I have wondered about some of the men I work with.

VC: And then when discussions about the fluidity of sexual attraction came up, they would be able to say "I know this can be overcome" because they've overcome it. What these bisexuals doesn't understand is that they never were homosexual to begin with. The bisexual has a choice. The homosexual not so much.  We see the world not as it is, but as we are. So the bisexual church leader assumes that because he had a choice, others do, too. That's probably why some of your leaders and our leaders are so fearful of gay marriage. They really do think that lots of people could change teams because they have and they see others like themselves.

SLC: Interesting thoughts.

VC: Got to run. I've got meetings. Next time you're in Rome, let's have lunch and I'll give you a personal tour of the Vatican.

SLC: Hey, I've also got meetings, morning noon and night, but thanks, my friend, and the next time you're in Salt Lake, I'll buy you lunch and give you a personal tour of Temple Square. Incidentally, please don't mention this exchange to anyone, it could cost me my job.

VC: Not a problem. I won't say a word, and of course this chat is encrypted. Even if someone intercepted it, they'd never be able to decode what we've said.

SLC: Ciao.

VC: Ciao.

Need a hair cut and a care hut for that matter

Dang it, I need to go my hair cut again. It's not just that my hair is out of control. I also need to see my barber. Not just see him. But but talk with him as he cuts my hair and touches me in his kind and gentle yet professional way. I know he does this for a living. Man after man, hour after hour, days, weeks, he's been doing it for years. I like the way he takes his time. I like the haircut and the process of getting a haircut. I like his hands. And the way he stands. The way he talks. His laughter. I wouldn't go to him if he gave lousy haircuts, but he's amazing. My hair, it's going away fast, but he does his best with it. I think he'd make a good doctor or nurse. I think his touch alone is healing, but then again he's never touched me without giving me a haircut, so what do I know?

Come to think of it I also need a massage. I want to walk into a cool darkened room, take off my clothes, get on the table, pull up the sheet and have a professional get the knots out of my back and my neck. I tell myself I don't mind paying for these services from these trained and licensed men. Hey I'm no good at cutting my own hair. No shame in getting a haircut.

To be honest though, I'm a little more ambivalent about massage. I sometimes wish I didn't have to pay. That I had a friend who would do this for me and that I had the skill to return the favor. Pretty unrealistic thinking, isn't it?

In straight Mormon culture, you give and get hugs when guys go on missions, or when you haven't seen somebody in a long time, or maybe at a funerals or weddings. Maybe things are slowly changing. I touch guys in my quorum and they touch me back. That ought to be enough, right? What kind of a guy is constantly wanting hugs from other guys? What kind of guy looks forward to his barber's touch? What kind of guy will spend a dollar a minute to have some other guy give him a fancy back rub?

Latter-day Saints and Modern-day Pioneers

Check out this opinion piece by Holly Welker on the Huffington Post. Among her many quotable lines is this one: 

"So this year I celebrate by imagining the Pioneer Day parade of my latter-day dreams. The marshals of my parade wouldn't be men who make pronouncements about doctrine, but the contemporary pioneers who challenge and remake the ways Mormons live their day-to-day lives."

Way Over Yonder

All my grandparents are there. So are a few of my cousins. My dad and each one of his brothers and sisters and their spouses. Not just those aunts and uncles, but my maternal aunt and uncle, too. There are long gone mentors and professors. There are friends I knew fairly well, friends I barely knew, and people who I would like to befriend. 

When I make the journey, I'd like to meet some of the famous members of our club. Guys like Harvey and Stuart and Pyotr. If it were just up to me, the decision might be much easier. I've considered it before, usually just as a fantasy, but once very seriously. Not because I wanted to go, but because staying seemed so painful and pointless. 

I'm glad I resisted the temptation. I'm glad my mental health has improved. But when I read about someone like Todd Ransom and others who sought a way out, I realize I'm still vulnerable. Yes, in someways I'm stronger than I've ever been. I'm healthy, for the most part, and have so much to be thankful for. It has been a beautiful life, a good ride, a wonderful busy day at school. 

And there's more to come. More joy and more pain. More accomplishments and disappointments. More hot sunny days, cold dark winter nights, and those few perfect days we get each spring and fall here in the shadows of the everlasting hills. There are more rides, hikes, swims, fireworks and picnics. More doctor's offices, hospital stays, tears, deaths, funerals, graves and flowers to be placed on graves. There are more hugs and massages. More sunrises, sunsets and wild bells ringing out across the snow. 

I hope to be here. I've made promises I'm going to keep. And I've broken promises, too. Only in my dreams have I slept a summer by his side, but some of my days have been filled with wonder. But I know very well by now that there are dreams that cannot be and there are storms we cannot weather. Sorry to fill a post with so many ripoffs and cliches. 

Helping and Being Helped

Years ago, someone I didn't like very much at the time taught me something I'm now so glad he showed me. I don't think his intent was to teach, but teach he did. It wasn't through his words but what he did. He offered his time, talents and means to help someone who had once helped him. He did this year in and year out. It wasn't a flash in the pan. I wasn't paying much attention for a long time, but eventually I couldn't help but see that he was showing devotion, not with words but action.

Now he and the person he helped are gone, never to be seen again in this life. But his example of service lives on. I've sometimes reluctantly helped someone, based on the way I remember he helped. As I've tried to help out someone who now clearly needs my help, I've sometimes thought of my old friend with new-found appreciation and respect.

How did he do it, year after year, on hot days like today, driving in a car without air conditioning? How did he manage in the cold of winter in a broken down car without snow tires? How could he be of good cheer when the one he served was sometimes difficult, when he knew that no matter what he did, the eventual prospect was death?

Today as I worked in a similar situation, I was blessed with some insights. My old friend was able give because others had helped him when he was vulnerable. He had grown from weak to strong, but in his strength he had not forgotten those who had pioneered and sacrificed on his behalf. I thought of such things today. Where would I be without the help and sacrifices of those who have loved and supported me? As a young man, I viewed the future as an endless supply of days. Now with perhaps a majority of my lifetime behind me, time seems more valuable. So when I try to help out someone who is more than 30 years my senior, I realize just how swiftly the seven, eight or nine decades of a human life disappear.

So what does this have to do with the life of a Moho? Maybe not so much, but maybe it can be illuminated through these lyrics from Garth Brooks and Kent Blazy:

Sometimes late at night 
I lie awake and watch her sleeping 
She's lost in peaceful dreams 
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark 


And the thought crosses my mind 
If I never wake up in the morning 
Would she ever doubt the way I feel 
About her in my heart 


If tomorrow never comes 
Will she know how much I loved her 
Did I try in every way 
To show her every day 
That she's my only one 


If my time on earth were through 
And she must face the world without me 
Is the love I gave her in the past 
Gonna be enough to last 
If tomorrow never comes 


'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life 
Who never knew how much I loved them 
Now I live with the regret 
That my true feelings for them never were revealed 


So I made a promise to myself 
To say each day how much she means to me 
And avoid that circumstance 
Where there's no second chance 
To tell her how I feel 


If tomorrow never comes 
Will she know how much I loved her 
Did I try in every way 
To show her every day 
That she's my only one 


If my time on earth were through 
And she must face the world without me 
Is the love I gave her in the past 
Gonna be enough to last 
If tomorrow never comes 


So tell that someone that you love 
Just what you're thinking of 
If tomorrow never comes