The Morning Breaks

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” –Romans 8:38-39

I love the idea that God's love is always there operating in our lives even when we don't realize it, just as the sun is always shining even though we can't always see it.

Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?

Young Apostles in the LDS Quorum of the Twelve
silently affirm the warmth of non-sexual, same-sex
affection between friends and colleagues.

I agree with Beck and JGW that this is a provocative question. Elder Boyd K. Packer's talk was not only heard by thousands of faithful LDS members, but reports of it have echoed around the world through FaceBook and the blogosphere. As of a few minutes ago the Salt Lake Tribune's article on the talk with the headline "Apostle: Same-Sex Attraction Can Change" had prompted over 3,100 comments. 

Now, don't get the wrong impression here. I agree that some of Elder Packer's statements--if not put in perspective--could be deadly to some. But I am glad that the topic is generating discussion. I'm glad there's going to be a demonstration in Salt Lake City later this week. Dustin Lance Black, aren't you so glad you made the MILK film? 

So you know where I stand, here's what I wrote on the topic last year in response to a question from Abelard.

...I hope my future will include rejoicing as LDS church continues to refine its attitudes about sexuality. The Family: A Proclamation to the World includes this highly significant sentence: "Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation." 

I find hope in the idea that the church, like individuals, may find it necessary to adapt. One of my greatest sources of hope is the 9th Article of Faith: "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal and we believe he will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God." 

I reached adulthood before the 1978 revelation that all worthy men could receive the priesthood. The church's former racist policy and teachings were a roadblock to my fully accepting Mormonism. The fact that that roadblock fell is a source of hope that other much-needed changes should and can be made. 

So do I agree with Elder Packer? Not so much. Do I find reason to welcome the discussion he has prompted, yes. 

Seeking advice on the shedding of tears

Weeping Parisian
from Wikimedia Commons

There's been a death in my world. I have lost someone who has been a mentor, cheerleader, advisor, confidant, entertainer and listener. A kind, talented, beautiful person inside and out. Someone who protected, nurtured, endured, stumbled, climbed, sorrowed, succeeded, wept, laughed, loved, smiled, beamed, angered, frustrated, manipulated, gave, enjoyed, planned, played, produced, praised and prayed.

I've shed a few tears but haven't really had a good cry yet. Maybe I need to watch a tearjerker movie to get me started and then I can just let loose.

The few tears I have shed felt good. I wouldn't say they were bitter tears, but tears of loss and sadness mixed with tears of gratitude and thanksgiving. But for days now, I've felt all dried up and cried out. So if you have any good recommendations on movies that'll make even a tough old cowboy cry, well then let me know. Not that I'm a tough old cowboy but the old part is true.

So what have I gained? An increased appreciation of hospice, hugs, music, friends, loved ones, kind words, sunshine, sleep, food, silence, flowers, funeral directors and that certain change in the air that comes with fall. And these old song lyrics and the melodies that go with them.

The falling leaves drift by the window
The autumn leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, the summer kisses
The sun-burned hands I used to hold

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

Oh, it's a long long while from May to December
But the days grow short when you reach September
When the autumn weather turns the leaves to flame
And you ain't got time for waiting game

When days dwindle down to a precious few
September November,
And these few golden days I'd share with you
Those golden days I share with you

And then there's this from Emily Dickinson:

I held a jewel in my fingers
And went to sleep
The day was warm, and winds were prosy
I said "twill keep"

I woke and child my honest fingers,
The Gem was gone
And now, an Amethyst remembrance
Is all I own

So, now just so you know that my question above was serious, I'm going to repeat it here: What do you recommend for a fellow who knows he needs to cry, and who really thinks he wants to cry, but doesn't quite remember how? Should I try the movies route? If so, which ones? Any other ideas?
Thanks my friends.

On a Summer Night (part three)

So when I realized this was not an accident, I didn’t really think through my options at all. I don’t think I knew about the three reactions humans and animals often have regarding what they perceive to be threatening. I didn’t think: fight, flight or freeze. Beck speculated about what I did. Here's what he imagined and my thoughts all these years later:


Beck: You playfully tousled his hair in return and you both started laughing and brushed it off with embarrassed chuckles?

Me: No, but I wish I had. I wish I had at least said or done something.

Beck: You slowly woke up and asked him: "What do you think you're doing?" as he immediately slid back into his sleeping bag?

Me: That doesn’t sound at all like me as a 15-year-old, or even now. But that’s what I like about it. Maybe we would have started wrestling again.

Beck: Your reflexes got the best of you and you slugged him in the nose?

Me: Again this sounds impossible, but I do kind of like the idea of some playful violence. I guess the idea is that he did invade my space and I should have done something to reciprocate.

Beck: You brought your arm around him and gave him a big kiss?
Me: This is the one I like the best. But this is now, not then. I was so homophobic I couldn’t imagine hugging or kissing another male. But that would have been cool to tousle his hair, and then perhaps caress his face, and then move in a little closer, but it would be another year before I kissed girl and decades before I would let another man touch me.

Beck: You pretended to stay asleep but you agonized all night wondering what the tousle meant?

Me: This is the closest to the truth. I pretended to be asleep. Then I seemed to be able to put the entire think out of my mind. But funny thing about repression, here I am four decades later, still thinking about it.

To bring the story up to date, our friendship continued throughout high school and college. We were never close, but then again I was not very close with anyone in those days. Both of us married beautiful women and fathered sons and daughters. Early in his career my friend moved out of state and we lost track of each other for a decade or so. Then we reconnected through annual Christmas cards, until one year my card was returned. I realize this echoes the plot in Brokeback Mountain, but that story and mine only have a few points in common.

To be continued.

On a Summer Night (part two)

So there we in our sleeping bags out under the stars in my back yard. I don’t remember our conversation ending, it’s just that there were longer and longer pauses between his comments and mine. As the pauses grew longer, I grew sleepier. But I know I wasn’t dreaming when my friend did something I didn’t understand then and still don’t fully understand now.

Just now I googled definitions for the word “tousle” and here’s what I got: “Tousle, to make something (especially a person’s hair) untidy. She reached up behind his head and gave his hair a tousle.”

That’s the word for it. My friend, my male friend, my 15-year-old active-in-the-LDS church male friend, had reached over and was tousling my hair. Maybe he thought I was asleep. Maybe he was just curious about what my hair felt like, but I know this: It wasn’t an accident.

It wasn’t just a single tousle that could be explained by a sleepy involuntary stretch that just happened to graze the top of my head. He tousled my hair deliberately and fairly slowly. It wasn’t just a few strokes for a few seconds. He went from my forehead to the back of my head several times.

I didn't realize it at the time, but as I've thought about it over the years, he was touching me in a very loving and affectionate way, or at the very least in a most curious, exploratory way. It was totally chaste in way, like petting a dog, but in another way it was also incredibly sexually charged because his fingers were in my hair, and he was a 15-year-old boy who was touching another 15-year-old boy as they slept out under the stars on a warm summer night. At least that's how I see it NOW as a married man and father.

But back then, as an inexperienced lad, I wondered what was going on, and I wondered what I should say or whether to say anything. What I decided to do may surprise you, or perhaps you’ve already guessed. To be continued.

On a Summer Night

I've been thinking about some of my teenage experiences, especially one warm night when my good friend and I were sleeping under the stars in my back yard. I know we weren't sixteen yet because neither of us had our license to drive. We'd lived in the same neighborhood for years, but we'd really only gotten to know each other in the last year. Like me, his dad wasn't around. My mom was on her second marriage and his mom was divorced. 

So our moms weren't with our dads and we lived the same street and went to the same ward and the same school, but other than that we didn't have too much in common. I wore glasses over my brown eyes. His blue/hazel eyes needed no correction. I was good at non-technical stuff like English and history. He slaughtered the English language but was great with math. He was into sports. I wasn't. Yet somehow we had become friends. 

Actually I shouldn't say somehow. I know exactly how it happened. We were walking home from school one day and when we got to his house, he tackled me on his lawn. No warning. He didn't challenge me to a fight. We weren't talking about anything in particular, but suddenly he was on top of me and I was fighting to get free. Eventually the fight stopped. I picked up my books and walked home. After that we were pretty good friends.

Well back to that summer night on the back lawn. We'd had a long talk about religion--I wasn't active in the church and he was--and then things grew quiet and I started to fall asleep. Then my friend did something that I will always remember. To be continued.

Celebrating the Sabbath

Monday mornings are hard to face,

Tuesday lunch can bring disgrace,

Wednesday night can move too slow

Thursday I'll be on the go

Friday will be loving and giving,

Saturday I'll celebrate living,

But the hours I spend on the Sabbath day

will be warm and bright and good and gay.

Some of us attend services of various types on Sundays. Some of us renew our spirits in other ways. I'm curious what readers of this blog do on Sundays and how you feel about it. I'm in church usually for at least an hour, often for two and sometimes for three. I almost always feel uplifted when I go to church, but just as I sometimes need a break from work, sometimes it's great to need to attend another ward for a blessing, or a farewell or homecoming. And sometimes it's nice to just take my own sabbatical from the sabbath. How about you?

Question about homosexuality removed from church site

A week or so ago, this question was available to be answered when you filled out a member profile at the mormon dot org web site:

"What is the Church’s attitude on homosexuality? Why is homosexuality and same-sex marriage important to the Mormon Church?"


Today it is no longer on the site. Here are some ideas to explain why it was removed:

• It's just a technical glitch.
• The technicians who run the web site just wanted to have some fun.
• The church received so many replies that it no longer needs that question answered.
• The a mid-level bureaucrat made the decision.
• A general authority made a phone call and the question was immediately removed.
• Someone noticed that the question contains a grammatical error.

Why do you think the question was removed?

Insights about Bisexual General Authorities

The following chat from Vatican City to Salt Lake City was recently intercepted and decoded. 

VC: As Mormons you agree with us that same sex marriage should be fought. You, too, see that gays really are one of the problems we need to deal with. Why's that?

SLC: Well first of all, we really appreciate your support. But I do need to let you know that we don't like to use the word "gay". We prefer to call it SGA or Same Gender Attraction. And we do know that SGA can often be cured or at least suppressed well enough that no one would ever know. We have lots of strugglers who have wives and children. They've overcome it and we know others can, too.

VC: How do you know that?

SLC: Well you've seen our missionaries walking around Italy, right?

VC: Many times, yes, many times.

SLC: We send these young men out to serve two year missions when they're 19 years old. They're paired with a male companion 24/7 for months at a time.  They walk together, preach together, share meals together. They learn to share a kitchen and much more, each morning and night the get on their knees and pray together. Why in the early days of the church they even slept in the same bed together.

VC: What does that have to do with homosexuality?

SLC: Well we know very well that some of these young boys are attracted to each other. But it's OK because we also know that most of them have the self-control not to act on it, and when they return home, they'll marry sweet young women, have wonderful families and put their homosexuality behind them for good.

VC: How do you know that?

SLC: Well, confidentially, I can tell you it has happened within the highest ranks of the church.

VC: You mean some of your leaders are gay?

SLC: No, I wouldn't put it that way. Like I said, we really don't like the G-word. I would say they had same gender attraction, but they overcame it.

VC: But what about the scientific evidence that homosexuality is immutable?

SLC: We don't buy it. When science and the gospel disagree, we tend to go with the gospel. Besides that, when some of our highest ranking leaders say that they've overcome this weakness, then we can count on that as the truth.

VC: Isn't it more likely that these men who say they can overcome homosexual feelings are actually bisexuals who are choosing to bond with women because their bisexuality gives them that option?

SLC: Well I hadn't thought about it quite that way. We don't like to use the word bisexual very much. I guess we could refer to it as OGAASGA, or simply OGASA, opposite and same gender attraction. But I think that sounds too much like Obama and we certainly don't want that.

VC: Wow and I thought we were homophobic. It would be tough for an openly gay member of your church to rise to the level of a Cardin---uh---General Authority. But a bisexual member of your church who could pass as straight could certainly rise up through the ranks, couldn't he?

SLC: Well I suppose it's possible, and to be honest with you, I have wondered about some of the men I work with.

VC: And then when discussions about the fluidity of sexual attraction came up, they would be able to say "I know this can be overcome" because they've overcome it. What these bisexuals doesn't understand is that they never were homosexual to begin with. The bisexual has a choice. The homosexual not so much.  We see the world not as it is, but as we are. So the bisexual church leader assumes that because he had a choice, others do, too. That's probably why some of your leaders and our leaders are so fearful of gay marriage. They really do think that lots of people could change teams because they have and they see others like themselves.

SLC: Interesting thoughts.

VC: Got to run. I've got meetings. Next time you're in Rome, let's have lunch and I'll give you a personal tour of the Vatican.

SLC: Hey, I've also got meetings, morning noon and night, but thanks, my friend, and the next time you're in Salt Lake, I'll buy you lunch and give you a personal tour of Temple Square. Incidentally, please don't mention this exchange to anyone, it could cost me my job.

VC: Not a problem. I won't say a word, and of course this chat is encrypted. Even if someone intercepted it, they'd never be able to decode what we've said.

SLC: Ciao.

VC: Ciao.

Need a hair cut and a care hut for that matter

Dang it, I need to go my hair cut again. It's not just that my hair is out of control. I also need to see my barber. Not just see him. But but talk with him as he cuts my hair and touches me in his kind and gentle yet professional way. I know he does this for a living. Man after man, hour after hour, days, weeks, he's been doing it for years. I like the way he takes his time. I like the haircut and the process of getting a haircut. I like his hands. And the way he stands. The way he talks. His laughter. I wouldn't go to him if he gave lousy haircuts, but he's amazing. My hair, it's going away fast, but he does his best with it. I think he'd make a good doctor or nurse. I think his touch alone is healing, but then again he's never touched me without giving me a haircut, so what do I know?

Come to think of it I also need a massage. I want to walk into a cool darkened room, take off my clothes, get on the table, pull up the sheet and have a professional get the knots out of my back and my neck. I tell myself I don't mind paying for these services from these trained and licensed men. Hey I'm no good at cutting my own hair. No shame in getting a haircut.

To be honest though, I'm a little more ambivalent about massage. I sometimes wish I didn't have to pay. That I had a friend who would do this for me and that I had the skill to return the favor. Pretty unrealistic thinking, isn't it?

In straight Mormon culture, you give and get hugs when guys go on missions, or when you haven't seen somebody in a long time, or maybe at a funerals or weddings. Maybe things are slowly changing. I touch guys in my quorum and they touch me back. That ought to be enough, right? What kind of a guy is constantly wanting hugs from other guys? What kind of guy looks forward to his barber's touch? What kind of guy will spend a dollar a minute to have some other guy give him a fancy back rub?

Latter-day Saints and Modern-day Pioneers

Check out this opinion piece by Holly Welker on the Huffington Post. Among her many quotable lines is this one: 

"So this year I celebrate by imagining the Pioneer Day parade of my latter-day dreams. The marshals of my parade wouldn't be men who make pronouncements about doctrine, but the contemporary pioneers who challenge and remake the ways Mormons live their day-to-day lives."

Way Over Yonder

All my grandparents are there. So are a few of my cousins. My dad and each one of his brothers and sisters and their spouses. Not just those aunts and uncles, but my maternal aunt and uncle, too. There are long gone mentors and professors. There are friends I knew fairly well, friends I barely knew, and people who I would like to befriend. 

When I make the journey, I'd like to meet some of the famous members of our club. Guys like Harvey and Stuart and Pyotr. If it were just up to me, the decision might be much easier. I've considered it before, usually just as a fantasy, but once very seriously. Not because I wanted to go, but because staying seemed so painful and pointless. 

I'm glad I resisted the temptation. I'm glad my mental health has improved. But when I read about someone like Todd Ransom and others who sought a way out, I realize I'm still vulnerable. Yes, in someways I'm stronger than I've ever been. I'm healthy, for the most part, and have so much to be thankful for. It has been a beautiful life, a good ride, a wonderful busy day at school. 

And there's more to come. More joy and more pain. More accomplishments and disappointments. More hot sunny days, cold dark winter nights, and those few perfect days we get each spring and fall here in the shadows of the everlasting hills. There are more rides, hikes, swims, fireworks and picnics. More doctor's offices, hospital stays, tears, deaths, funerals, graves and flowers to be placed on graves. There are more hugs and massages. More sunrises, sunsets and wild bells ringing out across the snow. 

I hope to be here. I've made promises I'm going to keep. And I've broken promises, too. Only in my dreams have I slept a summer by his side, but some of my days have been filled with wonder. But I know very well by now that there are dreams that cannot be and there are storms we cannot weather. Sorry to fill a post with so many ripoffs and cliches. 

Helping and Being Helped

Years ago, someone I didn't like very much at the time taught me something I'm now so glad he showed me. I don't think his intent was to teach, but teach he did. It wasn't through his words but what he did. He offered his time, talents and means to help someone who had once helped him. He did this year in and year out. It wasn't a flash in the pan. I wasn't paying much attention for a long time, but eventually I couldn't help but see that he was showing devotion, not with words but action.

Now he and the person he helped are gone, never to be seen again in this life. But his example of service lives on. I've sometimes reluctantly helped someone, based on the way I remember he helped. As I've tried to help out someone who now clearly needs my help, I've sometimes thought of my old friend with new-found appreciation and respect.

How did he do it, year after year, on hot days like today, driving in a car without air conditioning? How did he manage in the cold of winter in a broken down car without snow tires? How could he be of good cheer when the one he served was sometimes difficult, when he knew that no matter what he did, the eventual prospect was death?

Today as I worked in a similar situation, I was blessed with some insights. My old friend was able give because others had helped him when he was vulnerable. He had grown from weak to strong, but in his strength he had not forgotten those who had pioneered and sacrificed on his behalf. I thought of such things today. Where would I be without the help and sacrifices of those who have loved and supported me? As a young man, I viewed the future as an endless supply of days. Now with perhaps a majority of my lifetime behind me, time seems more valuable. So when I try to help out someone who is more than 30 years my senior, I realize just how swiftly the seven, eight or nine decades of a human life disappear.

So what does this have to do with the life of a Moho? Maybe not so much, but maybe it can be illuminated through these lyrics from Garth Brooks and Kent Blazy:

Sometimes late at night 
I lie awake and watch her sleeping 
She's lost in peaceful dreams 
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark 


And the thought crosses my mind 
If I never wake up in the morning 
Would she ever doubt the way I feel 
About her in my heart 


If tomorrow never comes 
Will she know how much I loved her 
Did I try in every way 
To show her every day 
That she's my only one 


If my time on earth were through 
And she must face the world without me 
Is the love I gave her in the past 
Gonna be enough to last 
If tomorrow never comes 


'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life 
Who never knew how much I loved them 
Now I live with the regret 
That my true feelings for them never were revealed 


So I made a promise to myself 
To say each day how much she means to me 
And avoid that circumstance 
Where there's no second chance 
To tell her how I feel 


If tomorrow never comes 
Will she know how much I loved her 
Did I try in every way 
To show her every day 
That she's my only one 


If my time on earth were through 
And she must face the world without me 
Is the love I gave her in the past 
Gonna be enough to last 
If tomorrow never comes 


So tell that someone that you love 
Just what you're thinking of 
If tomorrow never comes

A Tale of Three Friendships

Actually two of them aren't friendships, but each has blessed my life in certain ways, in fact I don't know if #3 would have been possible without #1 and #2 to give me perspective. I wrote these three in response to David over at In the Dark and Dreary Wilderness. Thanks, David, for prompting me to think and write.

1. To my old friend who recently surprised me:

Dear _______, Can you believe that after all these years I finally found you again? When I friended you on Facebook, I didn't really expect you to friend me back. After all it's been more than a decade since we've talked. I eventually got the message that you weren't interested. It took me a long time not to think of you daily, but eventually I slowly let go, and you made it easy because you never followed up. When I was able to become more objective about our one-sided friendship, I realized I was the one who was interested in you and at first you were polite, but eventually your lack of doing anything to reach out to me helped me understand that I was wasting my time. But then you friended me back on Facebook. Wow, I've got to tell you that made my day, but I'm really glad we now live hours away from each other. I've gotten in the habit of not thinking about you, but when I saw David's post, it reminded me of you. Thanks for friending me, wow I got one, two maybe three mouse clicks from you. ;D I realize now that it is as close as I will ever get to any kind of a authentic friendship with you, and after all these years, I'm OK with that. (Moral of the story: Probably not such a good idea to friend certain old friends on Facebook?)

2. To someone who didn't become a friend, but I could have handled it better.

Dear __________, I hope you are doing well and sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't follow up with you when you made it so obvious that you wanted some kind of relationship with me. I should have just told you, sorry I'm not interested. But I took the easy way out, the wrong way out, I just basically ignored you until you went away. I wish I had been able to handle that better. I wish I could have said, "You've called several time and I always make some excuse, but the truth is, I'm not interested in a friendship. It's really nothing personal at all, just one of those cases where there isn't a good match." But I didn't say that. I wasn't very mature, but you weren't very perceptive when you just kept calling and I just kept saying no. Oh well, maybe we both have learned something. (Moral of the story: Candor is possible, at least in retrospect?)

3. To my true friends:

Dear __________, So many times you've brightened my day with a message or a phone call or a visit. I'm so glad that we've built a solid friendship that has weathered the years. I'm glad that our friendship isn't a one-way deal. I reach out to you, you reach out to me. Sometimes we have to say no but most of the time we find a way to say yes. Thanks for being there through thick and thin, through years of summers, winters, falls and springs. I had to wait a long time to cross paths with such a good match, such a good friend, but it was worth the wait. I'm smiling as I write this because it seems to me that the best part of our friendship is yet to come. I could be wrong, of course, but I don't think so. (Moral of the story: Storms eventually give way to clear skies?)

What do you think?

A response to: meeting same-gender intimacy needs

Back in May, Active Gay Mormon blogged about Meeting My Same-gender Intimacy Needs. I wrote the following to him, but it was too lengthy to fit as a reply, so I've posted it here.

"Hey, this is a great post. Here's my take (in red) on each of your items;

(1) Playing sports with other men -- anyone up for baseball, football, basketball? I've only done this with other SSA guys and we were all pretty new to it, but I particularly enjoyed softball.

(2) Lifting weights with a buddy -- feeling support, feeling strong, feeling confident. Have done it as part of an exercise class. Didn't push any buttons for me.

(3) Going on a trip -- whether it is short day trip, a hike, or a 7 day cruise with three friend. Love these. They've been rare in recent years since my sons got their Eagle Scout awards.

(4) Getting together with the priesthood brothers to help someone move, (I think we all underestimate the power of service). Amen. Again I haven't done this in a few years since I was "promoted" into the HP group, but I agree it's a great way to feel connected and that you're making a difference for someone.

(5) Talking it up with a friend while taking a shower together in the public shower room at the gym after working-out (non-sexual nudity doesn't have to be a bad thing). Believe it or not I've done this literally hundreds of times over the past decade. Here's the math: At just two workouts a week, 48 weeks a year, over a decade, that's at least 960 times that I've changed into athletic attire, worked out, showered (usually with a buddy or someone I've gotten to know) and the dressed and returned my non-training life. The first time wasn't easy, but within a week or so, my anxiety gave way to appreciation.

(6) Going out and enjoying a nice dinner (But what is better than the midnight dinner and chat at Village Inn or your faviorite local dive) Haven't done this is years, but have good memories of doing such things as a younger man, particularly in college.

(7) Going camping -- I look forward to the father and sons outing every year. Enjoy this while your sons are young, believe me the years fly by.  

(8) Hugging and other gestures of physical affection -- what can I say it feels great. I would love to hear more about this. None of my straight friends are much into hugging. I'd love it (to give and receive), but I don't know how to initiate it. Any suggestions?

(9) Shaving -- shaving with a friend at the same time at the gym, getting ready to start my work day. Have done this a few times, usually on the lunch hour with a buddy when we both got too busy to shave before work. Agreed this is a nice male bonding activity. 

(10) Massage - what a great way to bond through non-verbal communication, non-sexual touching has tremedous healing power. I agree massage is great--that's why I have no regrets about the bucks I've spent with licensed massage therapists over the years. I'd like to ask my friends to do this, but again haven't figured out the approach. How do you approach it?

(11) Priesthood Meeting -- Going to Stake Priesthood Meeting or General Priesthood Meeting with your priesthood brothers (its even more intimate, when a friend sitting next to you, puts his arm around you, or rubs your back while listening to the speakers) I'd love that, but I'm usually sandwiched in between my sons and that has it's own warm and fuzzy aspect. But again my question is, how do you make this happen, or is it just a spontaneous gift?

(12) Watching Sports -- I love when my Bishop invites me over to watch sports with him and his sons! It doesn't getter better than that. I'm better at watching and understanding sports than I used to be, but I'd be there for the male bonding, not really because I'm a big sports fan.

(13) House projects -- whether its your house or a friends, getting those power tools in your hands destroying and building is great. Another amen on that one. I loved it when my sons and their uncles and I all chipped in on a home improvement project for an extended family member a few years ago. 

(14) Serving in the church -- I look forward to meeting with the Bishopric each Sunday to discuss the needs of the ward to minister together and administer. I used to be a clerk and I really miss that weekly contact with the Bishopric and the other clerks. Again savor it while you've got it. 

(15) Spending time with family -- I love it when my brothers and I get together and do guy things. Being without brothers, I've had to adopt a few. Participating in activities together with them, especially in the great outdoors, is one of the greatest things I can think of.

Do We Face the Death Penalty?

What does the state execution of a death row inmate have to do with the Moho world? Not that much, I suppose, unless you take into account that in some countries, in this varied world we live in, we could be condemned to die for the "sin" of loving someone of the "wrong" gender. 93 nations in the world still legally punish homosexuality. In 7 of these - Iran, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, United Arab Emirates, Sudan, Nigeria, Mauritania - gays and lesbians are punished with the death penalty. But we're safe here in the USA, right? One Internet commenter reminds us, "being gay is a death penalty in the United States if you're in the wrong place at the wrong time." But who needs the death penalty when your religion makes you so conflicted that you choose suicide as the best option?

Almost Summertime

I know it's not officially summer until June 21, but for many of us summer starts when school ends or on Memorial Day weekend, whichever comes first.

By both of those standards summer has been here a while now, eventhough the weather here in the shadows of the everlasting hills has been unusually cold and rainy. Thanks to George Gershwin and Dubose Heyward, summertime isn't just a season but a wonderful melody and lyric:

Summertime and the livin' is easy
fish are jumpin' and the cotton is high
oh your daddy's rich and your ma is good lookin'
so hush little baby don't you cry

One of these mornin's you're gonna rise up singin'
yes you'll spread your wings and you'll take to the sky
but til' that mornin' theres nothin' can harm you
with daddy and mammy standin' by

I also associate Summertime with this classic by Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein II from the musical Show Boat:

Fish got to swim, birds got to fly,
I got to love one man till I die
Can't help loving that man of mine

Tell me he's lazy, tell me he's slow,
Tell me I'm crazy, maybe I know
Can't help loving that man of mine

When he goes away,
That's a rainy day,
And when he comes back that day is fine,
The sun will shine

He can come home as late as can be,
Home without him ain't no home to me,
Can't help loving that man of mine

Which brings me to this thought: As one of the older guys on Abelard's long list of Moho bloggers I can tell you that even well into my fifties and still committed to my wife, children and faith, there are a few men on this planet and beyond that I can't help loving.

Some are dead. Some are far away. Some are on missions of various types. But one day there will be a reunion or even a meeting for the first time of someone that I've always known, someone who has always known me. That day will be fine. The sun will shine. And perhaps on that day I will know even more surely than I know now, that the love I feel is a good, noble and God-given trait that brings great challenges and even greater blessings. 

I played with dolls

My sisters had dolls and I liked to play with them. My parents gave me toys for boys like trucks, trains, Lincoln Logs and Erector Sets. I also had weapons including toy rifles, pistols and fake knives made of rubber. Some of this stuff was kind of interesting, but not anywhere near as cool as dolls.

I also liked purses. It seemed to me that guys got ripped off just having a little wallet, when girls and moms got to have these interesting and colorful compartments to keep their stuff in. Evenually I outgrew my fascination with dolls and purses. Maybe it's because my parents steered me in other directions.

I don't have any early memories of being called a sissy, pansie, faggot, queer, homo. Not when I was a little boy. But the I think I got called all of those in junior high. It's not like I was dragging dolls to school with me or carrying around a woman's purse. But I wasn't interested in sports and I wasn't good at them, and I was interested in art. I also remember that as boys my age talked about how wonderful girls were, I was noticing the guys. Everything about them seemed noteworthy: their eyes, their hands, how they combed their hair and if they could grow decent sideburns. I couldn't.

I wonder if there had been gay-straight alliances in Utah schools 40 years ago, if I would have participated. Probably not. I knew I was gay, that I was strongly attracted to the same sex. I could admit it to myself, but not to anyone else. I remember thinking I will never, ever tell anyone. I also remember the first time I made out with a girl. I became aroused and I thought, maybe I'm not gay after all. I enjoyed dating girls. I enjoyed kissing them, but I didn't want to go beyond kissing. I heard other boys talk about their sexual adventures with girls and I thought that sounds gross. Sometimes I'm amazed that I made it through junior high and high school. Sometimes it seems a miracle that I fell in love with a woman, married her, and that together we have raised a wonderful family.

When I look at this painting of the little boy sitting on the steps, I think, I know that boy. I was once that little boy. I'm glad he got so much love and affirmation for who he was. I'm sorry that he was sometimes taunted for being different, but he did the best he could with what he had, and somehow life has turned out pretty good for him.

Other little boys who liked dolls were not so lucky. Many have died from a variety of causes. Some have been murdered. Some have killed themselves. Some have lived lives of isolation and loneliness. And some have flourished. They've lived, loved and learned. Some have married women. Some have married men. All of us are human. What we have in common is greater than our differences. All of us have the need to touch and be touched, to love and to be loved, to belong to and contribute to something greater than ourselves, something that matters, something that makes the world a better place, even it it is for just one child sitting on a step holding a doll.

House episode on MOM engagement

Thanks to Into the West I watched an excellent episode of House last night. It deals with the wedding of a young couple. She is straight. He is dealing with SSA from which he says he is "cured." The episode helped me understand the sense of betrayal my wife felt when I finally came out to her after coming out to myself many years into our marriage. The ideal that child should be raised by a committed mother and father is also something I've pondered since watching the episode. A mixed orientation marriage is not only difficult for the wife and husband, but it also has implications for the children that may be brought into the union. True, no marriage is perfect, and I don't know if there is any data on the effects of MOM relationships on children in those families. If you are aware of any information on this, please let me know.

GLA News - Policy Change Announced

In early April of this year, the Greener Lawn Association (GLA) announced that xeriscaping will now be a fully acceptable form of home landscaping. Association Director Lance White asked that I send this email. The policy was changed after extended deliberations. It was also approved by the Landscape Foundation and the National Council of Home Gardeners. The following text provides additional details.

May 17, 2010

Dear Lawn and Garden Enthusiasts, 

As we have seen changes in the economy and the environment, we have been grateful that many property owners have turned their attention to improved landscaping. Although we continue to fully embrace lush green lawns, we also see that xeriscaping brings certain advantages in some locations. As many others have demonstrated that xeriscaping can an acceptable alternative to traditional lawns, we have pondered how to include this option within the context of our organization. After much deliberation, we now encourage all property owners to consider the best options for their particular needs and location, including both green lawns and xeriscaping. So keep it green, or dry, either way just as long as beauty remains your top priority and please help us spread the good news.

Best regards,

Lance

The Lusty Month of May

I notice guys all year long, but when the weather turns warmer and many of them are sweating and taking off their shirts, I notice them even more.

True, it's been cold and rainy lately here in northern Utah, but still we've had some beautiful days in the last few weeks and more quintessential "perfect spring days" are certainly ahead. Years ago my reaction to the various colors and scents of spring was to try to shut down my emotions. I remember very deliberately trying not to stare, trying not to obsess, which made me even more obsessive.

Now I try to look at things more philosophically. Hey it's springtime. Flowers and trees bloom, dead grass revives, and both men and women spend more time outdoors, wearing less clothing the warmer it gets. It's just the way it is. Why not enjoy it? Sure there are lots of reasons to remain somewhat cautious: traffic accidents, other accidents. But within reason I don't think I need totally cut myself off from the many manifestations of spring.

What do you say? Are you also more likely to experience pon farr at this time of year? If so, how do you deal with it? Any advice for those of us who are also in the same boat?

One night stands

They happen with gay and straight people. They happen with the young and old and those in between. They sometimes involve sex. But not always. Yes, I've had one night stands that weren't sexual at all. Here are a few of them.

• Neighbor friend and I go for a bike ride. Nothing bad happens. I expect we'll go again. But I never ask and neither does the neighbor. We see each other at church. We even chat. But no bike rides are scheduled.
  
• Different neighbor friend has a cabin. His son and my son are the same age and buddies. My son and I are invited to the cabin. Nothing bad happens. I expect to be invited again sometime. My son and his son go to the cabin mutliple times particularly after they both get their drivers licenses. I see my friend at church. We chat. Eventually I out and out say, "If you ever need any help up at your cabin, just let me know, I'd love to lend a hand." Never again am I invited to the cabin. We continue to see each other at church. We chat. I can't bring myself to ask him, what happened, how come I never got invited back?
  
• College buddy invites me to go skiing. We have a good time. At least I think so. Nothing bad happens. But I don't ever again invite him to go skiing. He doesn't ever again invite me to go skiing. Eventually we lose track of each other, but sometimes when it snows, I think of him and wonder what happened. The I tell myself, you can't hold on to every friendship and aqauintance.
  
• Yet another neighbor and I go for yet a different bike ride. Nothing bad happens. We both say we'll go again sometime, but I never invite him and he never invites me. We see each other at church. We even chat. But no bike rides are scheduled.

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Other times I know it's because I'm gay and they're straight and their gaydar goes off and they back away. Then I say, no, that's not it. Just because I'm still kind of homophobic doesn't mean they are. Then I remember that in three of the four cases above, I didn't do anything to try to advance the friendship. Sometimes I'm too judgemental though. I read about guys who have sex or something close to it with other guys, and then when the relationship stalls I can hear myself judgementally saying, "Well if you hadn't had sex, you'd still be friends." But the point is, sometimes there's just not enough energy in a relationship to carry it forward. Maybe it's nobody's fault. Maybe it just is. At least that's what I tell myself on beautiful spring days when I think about bike rides and trips to cabins.

Leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again

Disclaimer: I am not leaving, but one of our fellow bloggers is and here's a re-post of what I just wrote to him:

Will you be leaving your blog up or do I need to go in and quickly read the whole thing tonight after work? Sorry to hear you're leaving, but I hope you will leave the blog up for those of us who have just discovered you. Thanks also for your friendship on Facebook. I'm glad there's a way to still be in touch.

As to your comment "I think my outlook has stepped outside the bounds of what is allowed in the MoHo community", I was not aware that we had any particularly hard and fast rules about what is and isn't allowed.

To the contrary, I thought one of our great strengths was our diversity of view points from true believing to pragmatic and discriminating cafeteria-ists, to the cultural heritagists, to the less active, inactive, excommunicated, agnonistic, athestic, etc.

What we all have in common is not so much our entire belief system, per se, but the fact that our lives are in thousands of ways shaped by our Mormonism and our gayness, bisexuality, same gender attracted genetic structure, or simply our desire to read and weep or giggle about expose's on Journey into Manhood Weekends.

So I guess what I'm doing is what you were trying to do with your friend and that is extend your welcome, rewnew your subscription, affirm your belonging, express gratitute for what you've contributed and encourage you to lurk rather than completely withdraw.

Or to put it in more personal terms, some of us are really, really needy and we'll miss you more than we want to admit.

That said, of course I respect your decision to do what you beleive is best for you. Thanks for hearing me out. Good luck and may you continue to be blessed and bless those many others who your life touches.

Rules: The Bad, the OK, and the Wished For

April Theme: The Rules

Old rules that should continue to die - "the bad"

• If you're gay, do all you can to hide it.
• If you can't be heterosexual, fake it until you make it.
• If you marry a woman, the gay will go a way.
• If you marry a woman and the gay doesn't go a way, then it's somebody's fault.
• You would be better off dead than gay.
• All touch is sexual, so don't touch anyone but your spouse.

Existing rules that do apply - "the OK"

• If you are suicidally depressed, get professional help.
• If you marry someone and have children, make them a high priority.
• Care for yourself so you'll be able to care for your loved ones.

New rules? - "the wished-for"

• Not all touch is sexual. It is OK to touch others in appropriate ways.
• Married men, whether straight or gay, can benefit from a variety of male/male friendships.
• Marriage between a man and a woman is the heterosexual ideal, however marriage between persons of the same sex is appropriate for gay people.
• Same sex marriage is legal throughout the United States. This law is not only good for gays, it is good for society in general.

Monson lovingly jokes about male-on-male kiss

How delightful that in his first conference talk this morning, President Monson went off script to talk about his first meeting with his parents-in-law who joined the church thanks to his grand uncle's missionary efforts. He told how his prospective father-in-law showed him an old photograph of the missionaries, then wept and then kissed him on the cheek. He then ad-libbed something like, "Even before our first date," which was met with laughter from the audience. What a delightful and unintentionally Moho-friendly thing to have said.

Early in April, Part 3

Kade: Hey…Can you chat? I guess you're not on line...

Arie: Yes I’m here!

Kade: Just wanted to drop you a note that I'm thrilled for your family vacation plans. What fun times ahead for you! Congratulations.

Arie: thanks!

Kade: Is now a bad time?

Arie: no, I’ve got a few minutes. thanks for the congrats. I know you do the family vacation thing too…but I see you in my minds eye as too young to have teenagers. Maybe age is more of an illusion than we think.

Kade: Most definitely. I'm not aging at all - just everyone around me.

Arie: :D Meaning that when we connect, it doesn't matter.

Kade: It doesn't matter - isn't that great!

Arie: Can you still meet for lunch on Thursday? I can bring apples and cheese. Do you like sharp cheddar?

Kade: We can go together from your office if that works.

Arie: Just call me when you arrive and I’ll meet you outside. I think both of our dads would approve.

Kade: I just want a brother that understands. Did your father understand?

Arie: I don’t know if he did or not. It’s not something we got a chance to discuss, but we can talk more about it if you like. It will be so good to see you again.

Kade: We are hiding this from our wives. Does that make it right or wrong? Another question to ponder. Anyway, I've got to run... I hope you're okay - sometimes I ask too many questions...

Arie: You're fine, my man. I'm good. It's been a good chat. Talk to you soon.

Kade: Huge hugs!

Arie: The same for you.

When Kade and Arie met on Thursday, they didn’t realize they’d have some unwanted company. To be continued…